Waste of time

SOOOOOOO to start off......work sucks....my relationship sucks......what else? hmmmm....life is just shitty in general...........My relationship is over in fact...

God I have two interviews tomorrow....who knows how that will go...I'm sure I will get one of the jobs because I'm not a fucking loser....

I can't wait to get the fuck out of here and be on my own and do whatever. I am now single and looking for a decent man. One with a real job, pref. with a college education (or in college)

My wings...

So obviously I haven't written in a while...it obviously proves that I am very busy or a miserable failure to commit to a blog. Lets just go with being very busy. Well I moved into Matts a while ago. Then we broke up AGAIN and he kicked me out, but now I'm back. We will see what happens this time. I love him so hopefully only good things happen. I also started my second semester at school. I did very good my first semester!! Woohooo 3.0. I so could have gotten a 4.0 but there goes my procrastination....it's a weakness of mine.

I went to a really lame haunted experience the other weekend. Nothing will ever beat the fear factory in Canada....no not the band...the most bad ass haunted house on the EARTH....because I think seeing extraterrestrial would be pretty freaken scary in the event itself. lol

Anyways.....work is ok...could be better...I could be getting more hours...

Oh!! guess what I did get? A CAR!! woot woot....Brittany is FINALLY free. This is my chance to fly. This car is my pair of wings....so why am I committing myself in a relationship that I'm not sure will even work? ughhh...I don't want to think about it now..

I'm just excited to think about all of the things that I can do now.

Oh, and my best friend is having a baby!!! with a southern ass hole....but whatever it's what she wants...I still love her..

I'm sick with a cold now so I must depart....I will be back soon I promise...

Death & Love

I miss being as blonde as I was before...haha I don't know where that came from...I saw one of my pics on here....anyways...

So one of my friends passed away recently. Her name was Amanda. She was a really good girl. She was smart, pretty and had two beautiful children. The cutest fucking kids I've ever seen in my life. Anyways she passed away from cancer. I'm not quite sure what kind yet. It's such a bummer how someone that seemed so fine and whom was so young can just pass away right before all of our eyes, and then we're like "damn." I mean....I don't know what else to say....it's crazy.....

I just lost my great aunt a few weeks ago....she was 95 years old.....she passed away after my grandma (her sister)...you know how she died? She died in a nursing home coughing up blood because she had lung cancer....you know the saddest part? She had Alzheimer's and didn't remember that she had it....so she didn't know what was going on at all..... :(

And my grandma died from some lung problem...I don't remember what exactly. I would do anything to see my grandma just one more time. I miss her so much. She was the best grandma that anyone could have had. Everyone loved her....we'd go to Circle K to get the newspaper and a cup of coffee and that would give her coffee for free because she's so cute! The doctors at the doctors office loved her and would just squeeze her! Everyone at Giant Eagle knew her and loved her so much.

anyways....I've been so busy doing school work and going to work lately.....me and Matt are doing better....I hope it stays that way. I love him so much....I'm going to move in with him. We're doing really good with it now. I bought a bed for us, dishes, a bedspread, we have a dog. We're gonna make it work. He loves me, and I love him.

That's what we all need in this world. We all need just one special person that we love so much, and that loves us just as much. Someone you know you can always come home to. Someone that gets mad at you for doing things, because they care so much. Someone you can be with when you feel sick and uncomfortable. I finally found that person. :)

Wish us luck..

The Question

I talked to him tonight....and I really broke down...I broke down so hard that my head will hurts for weeks...ouch....

he told me he had thought about proposing to me before.....

God those words were horrible to hear. That's what I've wanted so badly..I wanted that! But I wanted him to ask me...and yet he didn't...

what made him not ask? was it because he was already married and he doesn't want to do it again?

You know how it makes me feel? like I'm not good enough. He could ask Nikki no problem and have a child with her....but with all that we've been through he can't even ask me something like that?

:(

I love him....and I wanted that more than anything...now I don't think it'll ever happen...

I lost.

I lost again...to some woman who cheated on him...and left him...and took his kid...I lost to that? How? I just can't seem to understand it...I don't understand people....

They can give up something so good so that they can go back to something so bad that they already had....

Never dated...

I can't wait to get my car....I can go wherever I want....visit whoever I want...and do whatever....it'll make me so much more happier...

I need to reunite with my friends that I've lost touch with anyways...I gave them all up for my ex...and now we're not together...I gave up a lot for him...which is weird...because I've never given up so much for anyone...and I gave them up so easily for him...and not once did I go behind his back and do something I told him I wouldn't...

I did that to Mario though. I did a lot of things behind his back....But he was NEVER there for me...and Matt was...most of the time..

Anyways...I just need people in my life at this point. People that I can hang out with to keep me preoccupied.

And I've never really ever "dated" anyone before. I've gone to the movies, and dinner, and bowling, and stuff with the people that I've been in a relationship with, but I've never just dated people and explored my options.

I think now is time to do that. I need to stop trying to be so serious. It doesn't work out at this age anyways. My ex was MARRIED and had a KID before we got together! That's insane...

Sure I've thought about it a dozen times. But I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I didn't know whether or not my relationship would last that long. I'm not about to MARRY someone and have a KID with someone that might leave me in the near future. I need to KNOW that the person I'm with that I want to marry and have a kid with is right for me. And that they want those things as much as I do, or even more.

But who knows....I need to DATE first....ugghhh

In Memory of Me & Matt...

Haha you know what's crazy? For a while there, I honestly thought I found "the one." But now I see that it was too good to be true. The one does not exist. It's all a part of our imagination. We want to believe that there is actually someone out there that is perfect for us. But the truth is that love doesn't even exist. We weren't built to love. It's something we made up in a moment of weakness. It's something that we want to feel.

I wanted it so bad. After two previous mistakes, I just really wanted it to work this time. He seemed so perfect for me. And it felt like that in the beginning.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't put myself in such a messed up situation. I've been in far too many of those, and I can't do it again. Because I always end up getting fucked over.

God I really wanted it. Just one thing, and that was it. It just wasn't meant to be....I wish it were..

Wicked Stepmother

Remember the wicked stepmother from Cinderella? yeah well I know her....her name is Jamie...and let me tell you...she is one BIG BITCH.....and bitch is an understatement...

I've never met anyone as self absorbed as this woman is.....she has 4 or 5 packages come to the house EVERYDAY from QVC....don't even let me mention all the other ones....the clothes...the books....the magazines....SHE IS AN EVIL WOMAN....I have never hated someone as much as I hate her.....

She has not once tried to respect me.....you know what she believes? she said she feels that she shouldn't have to buy the groceries for the household......uhhhh...hello you dumb bitch you came into your marriage with two kids of your own...and two from my father....one being me you little red headed MONSTER..you spend all of my FATHERS money on pampering yourself....you buy expensive clothes (all ugly by the way) jewelry, makeup, hair products, going to the salon (You're not blonde!! so stop trying to look like you are) You make my dad take you out to expensive dinners all the time, you make him take you fancy places and vacations. And you leave everyone else behind. It's all about you!

Why are you so inconsiderate? I've done nothing but be nice to you....I've cooked dinner before you came home so you wouldn't have to.....I do all of the laundry that your disgusting little fat kid dirties because you don't feel you should do that either, I ask you for NOTHING, I don't eat any of the food you DO buy, I don't use anything in the house, It's like I'm not even here.

And yet it's such a god damn inconvenience that I'm here because you're pissed off that my room isn't your storage room for all of your QVC shit anymore....oh no....lets have a pity party for the woman who has it all!!! But that will NEVER be enough....

She has to make me feel like shit as much as she can. She has to open her mouth and ruin my day. She has to throw her material possessions in my face like I actually give a shit...

I wish my father COULD see what a horrible person she is.....she is trying to get everything she can....she is NO GOOD....she's not a nice person!!!! she is wicked and mean.

I wish I could find some kind of fairy tale spell and turn her into stone.....but some things just can't happen...

Looks like I'm stuck with the evil step mother...

How I'm feeling..

"Sitting in the back room thinking what might have been I'm alive cause I'm taking all my medicine. I'm on top of the world and nothing breaks me down......"

isn't that the truth......ugghhhh what is my problem with alcohol lately....I try to drink and my stomach has nothing but PROBLEMS with it.......big big problems....why?

"This can't go on forever forever this can't go onnnnn foreeeeeevvvver soomebody take me away, somebody take me away." brought to you by Bobaflex....same with the medicine lyrics up there..


I only like a few of their songs.....

[Verse 1]
As a young fool, he'd sling molecule
Made his pickup down south, took this club-kid trick
He thought she side-kicked for Molly, she partied
But her heart was real, he'd find out that night
When this pig pulled them with enough
MDMA to be put away for life
No way, how could this happen today
She said, "It's gonna work out today"
"Let's go home, now. Open your eyes,
I did it for us, the feeling is
mutual, right?"

[Chorus]
Baby we'll be fine, as God is my witness,
as God is my witness, we can
get through anything
Cause I shared my love, shared my skin,
endless in this predicament

[Verse 2]
Laughing the cop made his arrest he
pulled her man from the car
She saw sweaty pig glance at her breast
She said, "I'll make a deal with you,
I'll have sex with you"
"I'll do anything you ask, if you let the
love of my life go free tonight"
No way, how did this happen today
She said, "It's going to work out Okay."

[Chorus]
Baby we'll be fine, as God is my witness,
as God is my witness, we can
get through anything
Cause I shared my love, shared my skin,
endless in this predicament

SCHOOL AND WORK

So I haven't written in a while...my birthday was on the 6th....it was absolutely horrible....not too mention I got heartbroken...again...haha and to think it couldn't happen again...it sure did.

I also started school...I'm on week 2 now...I don't really like the whole on-line thing...but I'm doing good so.....I won a $1,000 scholarship! I had only had $812.00 that I needed to pay out of pocket for my tuition so I applied for a scholarship and won! It was really nice to win something like that....made me feel a little special. I know it's not that big of a deal, but it made me feel good.

I've been working like crazy!

I thought my life was starting to turn around...no luck....same as it was before...couldn't be worse? right? no....it's not....but it hurts me just the same...I just want to be happy...

SELFISH

I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE....why is it that my birthdays are always the worst day than any other day of the year? because people seem to treat me like shit at that particular time more than any other time....and it really fucking upsets me! I don't make anyone feel like shit on their fucking birthday! It makes me want to get "fucked" up.....drink a bottle or do whatever...and I haven't done that for a long time....I've been really good, and now I'm not sure that I want to do that anymore....I fucking HATE living at my dads house....first of all I have to watch this little fucking fat ass kid eat EVERYTHING in this house...no wonder they fucking spend 500 dollars on groceries...they come back with bag fulls and the little fucking fat ass eats it all that very same night!

You know...I had planned to take a nice trip for my birthday...nothing special at all...just a little trip...and I was hoping since it was my birthday and all I would get money to help out with the expenses....since I have NONE...but no.....did anyone help me? No...of course not...because everyone needs to provide for this fucking high maintnence bitch that lives here...she needs to have every fucking thing off of QVC....and every fucking thing she wants she gets...but I can even get 50 dollars to fucking spend on a little trip? they got out on luxurious vacations and fancy dinners...and work on their fucking camaros....but what do I get??? fucking nothing...they even forget me when they order dinner.... "Oh, I didn't know you were here." I do their fucking laundry...I put up with their shit....and not ONCE can I have something special for myself.....I havent been on any kind of trip since I was like NINE! and now Im nineteen....it's not fair...I don't ask for anything! I've fucking paid for my college tuition myself and my prescriptions....and my clothes...and feminine products....and fucking everything.....but once....just this once I ask for help....or to BORROW money and that I would pay them back on the 14th...but no.....that wont go either...

well FUCK ALL OF YOU fucking ritzy selfish fucking ass holes!

Stupid

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

[Chorus:]

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

[Chorus]

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

[Chorus]

inability to become apathetic

I move into my dads.....not only to try to restablish a better relationship with him...but to get my life going in a better direction....and what do I get? absolutely nothing...no acknowledgement of my existance at all.....this isn't supposed to bum me out? of course it fucking bums me out....I feel like a piece of shit...like no one wants anything to do with me...

I don't expect anything either and that's what upsets me.....they act like I'm some kind of fucking inconvenience...I don't ask them for one penny....I do their laundry...I do the dishes...I help clean...I do whatever I can..and I still get shit..

I don't even like to eat the food in the fridge because I feel like I'm not entitled to any of it....isn't this house supposed to be a part of my life as well? It is my fathers...and yet I feel so alienated...like a stranger.

I just want to belong to something...anything...feel like I come from somewhere...but everywhere I try to go...no one wants to accept me...or be burdened by me...why is it so fucking hard????? you don't even know I'm here!!! I'm not a problem at all....if anything I'm good to have around...I cook...I clean...


I don't belong anywhere...and that is why I must be alone...maybe my life map has it planned out for me....maybe I'm supposed to be all by myself with no other human interaction...

I'm not like everyone else...I hope people realize that...I'm not like the average joe...I'm not like every other girl.....it seems like because I have a fucking vagina it automatically stamps me with WHORE across my forhead...I'm sorry but that's not true...I am an emotional person...I can't just "fuck" people or "bang" people...I need some kind of attachment...I need to love that person..

You think after being in my last relationship with Mario that I wouldn't even want to date anymore....I did get raped by my boyfriend....do you think I enjoyed sex with anyone after that? Is it really that important to people? It's not to me....I want a fucking relationship with people...I want to be able to talk with someone for hours...enjoy their company...I want them to enjoy my company...to like me as a person...to want to get to know me in and out...to take fucking interest...not just want to fuck...

Am I asking for too much? Do I expect too much of a human being in todays world? Sometimes I think I do...

I want human interaction....with my friends....my family....and from everyone in my life...I don't ask for much...I just want to be cared about....I care about everyone...you may not realize it...I put on a hard front....but I care more about people than they will ever realize...I care about people that may not even know that I exist at all....but I know that they do....I see peoples emotions...they wear them right on their sleeves...and I see it...I understand...and I feel for them...I wish there was something I could do...but there isn't always a way I can help..

you know it ruins my day just to see someone upset? because I know how it feels...

anyways....just had to get shit off my chest..I'm done.

Maybe I should become apathetic like my ex....he doesn't care about one god damn thing in this world...he hates everything and everyone...people he doesn't even know..he lacks any sort of compassion or concern for anything but himself...he doesn't care about anything and that's why it didn't bother him the slightest doing what he did to me...I tried to be everything anyone could want and need....I did things for him I told myself I would never do because those were MY MORALS...but I broke them for him...but being the apathetic ass hole he is...it was nothing to him..

The world doesn't need people like that..

Running Away from Civilization

I remember the days when I wrote a blog every day.....sometimes I would write up to twice or three times a day...I consider this my on-line diary....in fact my only diary that I own....when I was a little girl I watched movies and tv shows of girls of every age writing in a diary....I thought that that was something I should do....I should start a diary and write down my daily thoughts and activities...so I did...but my house wasn't a safe place for anything private....my mom went through everything I owned...in fact at almost 19 years olf she still does....and I don't even live there...I couldn't have a diary...she went through it....read my private poetry....my mail....everything. Of course most of my diary entries were about my mother...it's just a bummmer that I couldn't keep something like that to look back upon....I couldn't keep anything...

I know that most of my blog posts are a bit depressing but I don't have anything else to write about at the moment...the stages I'm going through in life right now are nothing but depressing and hard..

It saddens me...I feel like I'm getting no where.....I mean I was put into school a year early when I was young...so when I started my freshman year of college I was only 17....maybe I expect to much of myself? is that it? am I too harsh on myself? I expect so much right away....at such a young age....but why not? why can't I get these things done now? I am 18.....I know that I'm not going to have my life set right away....but I still need to keep trying....or else then I'll never have it......what if I don't? what if my life never gets in order? what am I supposed to do then?

I have nothing else to hold onto....no special talents....nothing unique.....I'm just like anyone else I suppose....I write poetry....but it's not that great....I like to draw...and paint....but it's not the best...

I don't even know what I want to get into major wise at college...I have so many interests....SO MANY....but none that would do me good in a career...none.....my room mate Cory used to tell me that he didn't care how much money he made in the future...that he just wanted to do something he enjoys.....but how can you do that? how can you not care about the money you'll make? all I've been subjected to my whole life is the downfalls of not having ENOUGH money...and I don't want to have to go through that again...I want to be financially secure..I want to be able to live comfortablly...

I know money isn't everything but it helps get things done....it HELPS...the littles things make me happy...the sky...the moon...the trees....flowers...woods...hiking...music.

but money makes the world go round as they say...sad but true...so sad.

I miss being little.....I miss being able to not worry about things like money and school and a job....and life....I miss worrying about little petty things like what flavor candy I wanted to pick from the dish at the bank...or wanting to stay just one more hour at the park....

I find myself wanting to escape somewhere....I see myself running away from civilization and hiding in the woods...sitting there hour upon hour just staring at nothing...but something that means everything to me....

I've been thinking about Mario a lot lately, and how sad he makes me. He makes me really really sad....why do I think about him if he brings nothing but tears to my eyes? He's a horrible person and I should be very thankful that he's out of my life...but the thing is...he's not out of my life...he's still there....tiny bits and pieces but he's still there...I hate receiving messages from him..e-mails and texts...because it dampens my day..and makes me think of what I wanted from that relationship...I wanted so much..and gave so much but received nothing...absolutely nothing in return..I wasted three years of my life trying to make something impossible work....of course I still think about it...I still loved him...I didn't end the relationship...no one ended it....it was just left....what was I supposed to think? oh well...who knows....I don't want to think about it anymore...

anyways....that's all I have to say now..I'm going to go finish reading my book "We The Living" by Ayn Rand....it's fantastic...

Peace

I need to do better

I feel like a piece of shit....I left my amazing room mate Cory from Akron so that I could move back to Orwell.....every god damn morning I woke up with horrible panic attacks in Akron....I felt so alone....and scared....I was waiting on a guy that called me his "fiance" he popped the question to me right after he raped me on new years day at 5 in the morning....but my dumb ass was still in love with him....why? I don't know....so I waited every day for him....he had many excuses for not being able to come see me....not only that but made me feel like a piece of shit every day.....told me I wasn't worth it....and I wasn't good enough....he told me he wanted to bring other women into our relationship every day.......

I felt horrible....I felt worthless....useless....and it made me sad....so what did I do? I partied and tried to forget about all of it....I pretended like it wasn't as bad as what it seemed when he raped me.....he tried to convince me that it was owed to him...that there is no such thing as being raped when you're in a relationship...

you know what else I did? I let him borrow $1,200 that I got back from a student loan.....I was going to finally buy a car so I woudln't feel abandoned and stuck...and alone....so that I could see my family....my friends and my grandma who WAS in the hospital until she died...

and he lied to me...he told me he needed it for fines....you know what he did? bought a pound of Marijuana...and never paid me back...

I left Akron and came back to Orwell so I wouldn't have as many panic attacks....so I could at least be around my family.....but it was too late...my grandma died before I got out...I couldn't even see her because I had no way there!....I was so alone...

My dog also died....by baby boy....I loved that fucking dog more than anything! you know why? because he was always there for me....yeah he was a dog....but he was more than that he was the greatest companion....he cared about me....I made him happy and he made me happy.....but he died because he had heart worm.....and I miss him so dearly....


and now.......now I still feel like shit....I feel worthless.....

my ex calls me frequently....still telling me how shitty I am....and how he expects us to still be together....haha......I can't ever do that...I loved him and gave him everything I had....I can't go back.....


I need to get my life in line and fix things for myself....I can't rely on anyone but myself!


I'm going to Kent Trumbull in the fall....I need to do better this semester...I just need to do better with everything...

Recently

so I havenn't written for a whole month....a lot has happened since then....I moved back to Orwell and I got a job at Dominos.....I've also been planning on attending a college on-line but now I plan on going to Kent Trumbull because I will receive more financial aid, also my dad said he is going to try to work on getting me a car but who knows if that will actually happen because he has promised me a lot of stuff in the past and he have never kept any of those promises. Not much else has happened......my dog died.......my beautiful precious Kobe...I loved that dog with all of my heart....he was my baby boy...I found out my cousin Aaron is getting married next summer.....ummmm I'm going to Cedar Point on the 4th of July......

I have been having a lot of digestive problems so I have to get several tests done....one of those is called a Barium Swallow.

anyways......there's not much else going on at the moment...well...nothing that I want to mention right now...

SOBER

I havenn't written in about a month...what has happened? I've been in Orwell since then....I've gotten a job....and a new bf.....and I signed up to take online college classes...so I guess I have everything set right? well then why don't I seem ok?...

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

[Chorus]
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

[Chorus]
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have hurt myself, cried,
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

[Chorus]
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

[Chorus]
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

A reason for my sadness...another reason to drink

my grandma is in a coma right now...

I would pray for her...but to who? I don't believe in God...and what would I pray for? for her to be alive and miserable never seeing the outsides of a hospital or for her to die so she can be relieved and in piece while leaving everyone that loves her behind not knowing what to do?...

my mom.....my grandmas daughter fails to see that she has a daughter of her own...a daughter who is also losing her grandmother...and that she's not the only one suffering...all of this time my own mom has forgotten about me because she doesn't love me her daughter as much as she loves her mother.......it's sad but true...I do love my mom...as much as we have fought and wanted to kill each other in the past...I do love her..and I hate seeing...and hearing all of these things....every day for the past month I have gotten phone calls from my mom telling me that my grandma might not make it...how do you think I've felt? how do you think I've gone about my days after a phone call like that? every day I've had to worry about whether or not I was ever going to get to see my grandma again.

So close to mothers day makes this very dispairing..... I was going to send her a beautiful vase of flowers....

I thought that my grandma would get to see me get married...

I feel like a piece of shit for not giving a damn about my own life...when someone that actually enjoys living is losing theirs...I would give mine to her in a heartbeat.......

Realization that I'm a dumb ass

I'm a failure....a miserable failure...I've done it all myself...it's all my fault...there are stronger people out there who can rise up against all of their problems and shit, but not me...apparently I'm the weaker one..I'm weak..

I can't rise up against anything...

so instead of trying to make my life better I make it even more miserable...how the hell does that make sense? and when my life gets more miserable I fall deeper and deeper into this bottomless pit...it consumes me in this vicious circle...because I feel miserable I do things that are bad that in the long run make my life more miserable...and then because I become more miserable from doing whatever I did...I do something else that makes me miserable..

I should be trying to turn things around...

why can't I just do something right and fix everything?

I don't know how...or where to start...or what to do...I feel like I have this heavy weight that I'm always carrying...this heavy weight that has fucked up my back...my mind...everything...and it's all self inflicted pain....self induced....MY FAULT

what a dumb ass I am...

I don't know what to do from here...I've already fucked it all up....

It really is the truth when they say you only have one chance..believe it

this very day 4 years ago

four years ago this very day (April 23rd) I remember it perfectly....it was a cold rainy day in Orwell...the sky was dark from morning till night and it was the cold stabbing type rain that when it hit you it send chills down your body and you shook...I wasn't wearing a jacket...just a black zip up hoody and a pair of jeans...I had just polished my nails this beautiful ruby red color...I was wearing antonio bendaras perfume and at the time had my very first cell phone which was from t-mobile...I had a mission that day....and it was to meet someone that I had been talking to on the internet for quite some time..I was to meet him "up town" in the parking lot of A&W...he called me and told me he had a dark green mini van with tinted windows....as I approached the parking lot I saw his car parked over to the left....approached it and opened the passenger door....I didn't even take a look at the person in the drivers seat until I was already sitting in the passenger seat...I was surprised to learn of his appearance being the way it was...

we took a drive around the town trying to figure out where to go....but couldn't think of anywhere...so finally we exited Orwell and went to a nearby town that goes by the name of Hartsgrove.....we found an old dirt road that was dark, heavily wooded, and abandoned...so we parked on the side....I was shy and nervous as fuck..I was 14 years old...what was I doing meeting some guy I didn't know off the internet? he seemed very interesting to me...we had so much in common...and I wanted to converse...that's all I wanted...I was so sick of being subjected by stupid people my age...I was different than most my age...I was interested in different things...religious studies....philosohy...mysticism....astrology...occult and cultic studies...esoteric studies...it fascinated me...and he knew quite a bit...I was impressed...that's why we had met...

sitting in the car on that side street is one of the biggest regrets I have...that was the day I lost my innocence...not my virginity...but I tried my first drug for the first time ever...and you know what it was? no it wasn't pot...but it was crystal meth...that was the first drug I have ever done...with a stranger on a dark back road..

as I lit the pipe from the bottom and took my first puff I was amazed...I was hit with this instant high...and it was amazing...at first I thought it was all of the butterflies in my stomach...but it wasn't just that...it was the rush of euphoria I felt from this drug...we smoked for a while and layed in the back of the van on a blanket...(this should have been obvious to me that this wasn't a good idea) but I was a dumb ass and it never struck me what a bad idea this was...anyways...we ended up kissing all night....for 8 hours exactly...it was great...the euphoria of the drugs and the passion of the kissing mixed was the most pleasurable thing I've ever felt...after those 8 hours passed...he dropped me off down the road from my house at 11 p.m. so that my mom wouldn't see him drop me off...I had told her way earlier in the day that I was walking to my friends house and that I would be back soon....she was pissed...the cops were at my house waiting for me...I guess she had called them....I had to make up a lie and tell her that I ended up running into another friend and that I lost track of time...I got away with it..

and then I met him later again that week...at my house when my mom was away at work...he brought over alcohol this time...I remember exactly what it was...it was a zema xxx hard green apple 6 pack and a fifth of Kamchatka vodka...he mixed it together in a cup with ice and told me to try it....it was great....I had never really drank before this moment as well...it was my introduction to alcohol...and I could barely taste it! the green apple alcoholic drink seemed to cover up the taste of the vodka...and so I drank...and drank....and drank...and drank....

we met continuously....about 2 or 3 times a week....I only knew his name and that he lived in Cleveland...he told me he was 26...and of course I had believed everything he told me....

I ended up losing my virginity to this man...and being fed alcohol and drugs...we would talk on the phone day after day night after night..we would go to the drive-in....or wherever..we decided to be in a relationship....and 2 years pass by of all of this...and then my family starts to find out something is going on with me...and bit by bit piece by piece they find out about me meeting a guy off the internet...they did some snooping and tried to find out who it was....I don't remember how many different times I had the cops called on me by my mom because I didn't come home and would be missing for hours with no explanation...finally my mom told the cops I met someone from the internet...the cops would try to hassle me over and over trying to figure out who it was...but I wouldn't tell them shit...also my first encounter with the cops because of this man that was suddenly a part of my life...I put all of my trust in him...and after 2 years and losing my virginity I thought that I loved him...and he told me he loved me....I believed it....

I started to do some snooping myself for some reason and googled his e-mail addresses and found out he had been sending e-cards to other women telling them that he loved them...and that was the first time my heart was broken...completely shattered...and that was the first time I tried to kill myself...I took around 50 pills of whatever was laying in my house...some prescription...I took them around midnight on a Sunday...fell asleep and woke up the next day to go to school...although when I woke up...my world was spinning...it was spinning so fucking bad....I could barely see and things were dizzy...I was pale as fuck...but I decided to go to school...how I made it in the shower and onto the school bus is beyond me...I had to have two friends carry me off the bus when it arrived to the school...I was in EIGTH GRADE! and when I walked into class.....I tried to make my way to my seat until I felt nausous and ran immediately to the bathroom to vomit...nothing came up except yellow foam..my best friend and my teacher ran after me and asked me what was wrong...I said I didn't know...then my mom was called and I went to the doctor...the doc. asked me what I had eaten that day...I said an apple...he asked me if I had washed it and I said no...so he told me it was prob. food poisoning....I didn't dare tell anyone I had taken 50 pills of something...and so he prescribed me even more pills...I couldn 't bear to take them...so when I got home I threw them away...I was sick for 7 whole days....constant spinning...and puking...all because I was heartbroken...after that my parents found out his cell phone number from my phone bill and hired a private investigator...my dad told me his name wasn't what I thought it was...and he wasn't 26....and that he was married and had kids...

I FREAKED the FUCK OUT!! but I didn't believe it...I thought he was just lying to me so I would stop sneaking out....

but it was true....it was all true....he lied to me about everything...stole everything from me...introduced me to drugs...alcohol...and the cops...and took my virginity...

I was ready to run away...I couldn't take this shit.

but I was held back by a dear friend of mine...she grabbed me and wouldn't let me go...I hit her and screamed at her and called her profane names...but she was still there for me..

anyways....that ruined my life for a while...and then I got over it..kind of....he disappeared from face of planet...changed phone number and e-mail addresses and everything...I had no way to find him..

years later...around the time I turned 18...guess who entered my life again? yes...that's right...it was him...and he acted as if he was so sorry for everything and that he really did love me...but this time I didn't believe him...I hated him...

and now...now he's gone from my life...but there's not one day I don't think about all the shit that happened...I tried to take my own life because someone tried to ruin mine...

April 23rd is a bad memory..

Tainted Blood

I'm fucking everything up....every single thing in my life I have fucked up, and now I don't know what to do....how do I explain myself? how do I explain the reason for all of my fuck ups? what is my reason? is it even a reason? the past few nights have made me realize that I need to get fucked up in order to make it through my day...I need to not be sober...I have another docs appointment on the 23rd....I was supposed to have blood taken and an x-ray done but I haven't gone to get those yet, and I should have....but I can't get my blood taken when there are all these things things in my blood that shouldn't be there...and if they were to know then everything would be revealed..no one knows anything...and I've kept it like this for years....and now I don't know how long I can keep it anymore....I guess until I kill myself..

I keep doing things I shouldn't be doing...but yet I know exactly what I'm doing when I'm doing those things....

I don't know what to do..

My puppy is gone..

I never thought that I could miss someone as much as I miss Mario...I really miss him a lot...

I gave my dog away yesterday to my englih teacher...she is the most kind hearted person that I've ever met in my life...she opened her heart and home to my roommate and I and our dog Kobe....she barely knows us....it's good to know that there are still decent people left in this world..I'm glad my dog has a new home until we can find a place that allows dogs....I miss him so much though..I love him.

I'm having withdraw from my dog....no wonder I need to be medicated..I can't stand being alone...but yet I am....I'm alone...I hate it..but I'm still here...

I don't even know what I have planned after this semester ends...I might as well just drop out now..I give up....I can't do it...I just can't....for my age I'm technically supposed to be a senior in High School but here I am my second semester in college...I'm not ready for all of this...I have no help..and no one in my life..I have no one in my life..and it gets to me so much sometimes...I should at least have family in my life right? but I don't...they're blinded...they don't see that there is something so seriously wrong with me...I've even told them in a desperate cry for help...but I didn't get any help..

so I'm stil left to fend for myself.... whatever....

Thank You Mario

well I finally got those meds.....got some Cymbalta for depression...Lorazepam for anxiety and Skelaxin for muscle tension.....hmmmmmmmm.....now the question is will they work? honestly...and surprisingly I have noticed a little bit of improvement...but only a little...not enough to keep me sane for long though..

I still haven't talked to my fiance...where is he? who knows...he just left my life...I have a feeling he doesn't plan on coming back...all he wanted from me was money..

whatever...I'm over it...I can't keep sitting here waiting...wishing..hoping...

I can't..

I do love you Mario...wherever you are..and I'm sorry we couldn't work things out..but you abandoned me..

He

ughhhh....where are you? anyone? I need something..I need it...

what is it? what do I need?

help?

need some meds.

I can't even fucking socialize anymore!! I actually want to and now I can't!! ANXIETY..apparently anxiety is a reaction from some kind of fear...or threatening situation..hmmmmm how am I always anxious? I can't even talk to someone because my heart is pounding sorapidly and jumping up and down and im getting light headed and dizzy and my eyes start to twitch and I can't breathe...does this sounds right to you? or am I just crazy? is this normal? because if it is I will never try to talk to anyone else ever again..

ughhhI freeze and feel like a dumb ass...or I laugh at something that isn't funny...I make myself come off as a completely incapable fucking retard...

damn it...

i need so many different prescriptions..

Not again.

my grandma is in the hopsital again....I don't know if she'll make it :( my life just keeps spinning around all of thes unfortunate events...and I can't even be there...I have to be stuck in Akron going to college...I don't even want to be here anymore...I just want to go far away...

If my grandma dies...so does my mom...and the rest of our family will fall apart...what am I supposed to do????

I already have enough shit on my plate!!

:(

cervical radiculopathy

things in life are crazy...I'm thinking about moving out of state after my lease is up on my apart....I mean...things have changed....my room mate has a girlfriend and I supposedly have a bf....and I don't know...I'm just not happy anymore....

I need to rethink everything I do....I can't just sit around and wait for everything...I'm so sick of sitting and waiting...I need to take action and initiative...no more proccrastinating..

ikk..I have this horrible pinched nerve in my neck...it's driving me crazy and it's getting harder to breathe because of it...I'm so sick of Orwell already...I've been here for the duration of my "spring break" not so much of a break as it was intended for.

I need a real break...and a job...I need a job so desperately...and yet no one is hiring...I've applied to over 50 places...this is getting to be too much to handle...I can't take it anymore...

AHHH

serenity where are you?

JOKER

haha my life is a joke...I'm a horrible person..that's all there is to say..

I'm sorry

soon.

my time to leave this piece of shit world is so soon...but who will know when it will be? haha maybe tonight! who knows! I don't have ONE damn reason to fucking stay..not one...I wouldn't stay here for a million fucking dollars...no way.........

FUCKED UP

500 x 5 = 2500....hmmm....

I am ready to give up...he can play these games all he wants...he's already lost me...I'm not here anymore...no longer existant....you gave me this ring...I wear it on my hand, but what does it mean? It doesn't mean anything...not to you at least...but this ring meant so much to me...you just took all of that meaning away...I can't think of things in the same way anymore...you've destroyed who I was...I don't even know who I am anymore...always down...always depressed....I don't want to be here and everyone knows this...it's just that I have so many obligations to fulfill...and hope...hope is all I can have that things will get better so maybe, just maybe I will change my mindand my outlook on life....but I don't know if that'll happen...sure it's not healthy to have this so called "negative" outlook, but is it really negative, or is it the truth? it's truthful negativity.

I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE.

I HATE LIFE IN GENERAL.

but....there are some people I have to outlive...like my grandma...I can't disappear while she is still in my life..she means too much to me...the rest...it doesn't even matter..

DXM.

dextromethorphan- it's a fucked up drug....it's legal...that's even more fucked up...I should never take it again...but I can't ignore the dxm that's just casually sitting in my room...it sure is enough to fuck me up beyond repair...but aren't I already there? I was hoping that when I took it Saturday that something tragic would happen...but it didn't...go figure...nothing bad ever happens...I was convinced for about 5 minutes though that I was actually going to die...I was puking up a bunch of black stuff and was so out of my mind that I had to have people come look in the toliet to tell me what it was...all I could think was "I'm puking out my organs...I'm bleeding inside....it's black...black means you're suffering from internal bleeding.." In a way I was hoping to see the world disappear right before my eyes...I thought my eyes would automatically shut and that it would just end like that...too bad I had forgotten that I drank grape kool-aid earlier in the day that would appear to come out as black.... I was bummed... "Dam it...I'm not going to die." Oh well...one my experiences has to accomplish something along the lines of death...

would that be considered suicide or over dose? hmmm....because who would know what my intentions of taking it were? was it to enjoy a trip or to die? if it were to enjoy a trip it would be considered overdose- an accidental death....but if I took it to die then that would be suicide...hmmm...oh well...even if I did die accidentally I'm sure everyone would turn it into a suicide...no problem with me...I don't want my name cleared when I die....I don't need to be portrayed as some kind of saint..because we all know I'm not...I'm the opposite of a saint. I'm a horrible person who does very bad things....

haha it amuses me that no one I know even knows that I have a blog on-line...or that I'm even this fucked up...NO ONE knows...and this is one of the several reasons I have this blog...I'll live it in my will or something...or in some letter everyone can read when I'm dead....and then they will understand...well, prob. not...they will never understand how I feel inside..

even when I'm "high" It's not like other peoples high...it's different and more fucked up...everything I do and feel is always more fucked up than other people...whatever..I'm not worried about it..

this blog is more like my personal reference...I can't keep a diary like a written hard copy...it's too much and too easy to obtain.....other people could end up with it and read it...I wouldn't want certain people to know I think like this...they would try to put me in a bubble....take away sharp objects...drugs...alcohol...everything...that would be bad...for me and everyone else in this world...as long as I'm living here I need to be out of it as much as possible... I will prob. become an alcoholic...but how can I when I don't believe in addiction? I believe it's all psychological..fucking dumb asses think you need it...you don't!! you're just a fucking junkie...

anyways...my life is a piece of shit...there's nothing else to write here.

IS THIS NATURAL?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!! SUICIDAL THOUGHTS LIKE CRAZY.....ALWAYS...IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY...I'VE ALWAYS HAD THESE THOUGHTS...BUT NOW..NOW IT'S ALL SO DIFFERENT...IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S SOMETHING I SHOULD JUST "NATURALLY" DO.....LIKE MY MIND IS TELLING MY BODY THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO...IT'S PAINFUL TO NOT LISTEN TO THESE THOUGHTS...

I'M SO SICK OF EVERYTHING....I'VE COME TO THE POINT A LONG TIME AGO THAT I'M SO SICK THAT I'M SICK OF LIFE AND LIVING...I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS...I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!! I'M NOT CHRISTIAN...I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL....I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE...WHY IS THIS SUCH A PROBLEM TO PEOPLE? LET ME GO..HELP ME...IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP THEN HELP ME FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY.

Piss on me!

I miss him so much but yet at the same time I want to kill him...does this make any kind of sense? no not really...my mind is kind of fucked up though...so it's ok...well not really ok since my mind is fucked up....I had an interesting night last night...hung out with my roomies friend Ashley...she's fucking sweet! we had a lot of fun! we also hung out with Cory and his friends...which was a pretty eventful night since one of Corys friends pissed on his girlfriend...it was quite amusing to me...only because...well...never mind I don't need to justify myself lol...it was just amusing..

anyways...I'm so hungry right now...starving...so is my dog.....hmmm prob because I'm running low on money since someone seems to think that he shouldn't pay me back....whatever...

I have no clue what I'm doing tonight...one of Corys friend has a show tonight at some bar. they are pretty good this will be their third show that they've ever played...and I've been to both of the other ones so why not keep a streak going? knowing me I'll ruin it :(

I'm so lonely right now...I just wanna sleep everything away.

everything you touch.

Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may desert you
So it cannot hurt you

You only have to look behind you
At who's underlined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way


Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand, takes your gun
Wants you out of the sun


What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way


Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may delay you
Might just save you


You only have to look behind you
At who's underlined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way


Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand, takes your gun
Wants you out of the sun


What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way


Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand, takes your gun
Wants you out of the sun


What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way


Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand, takes your gun
Wants you out of the sun


What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way

goodbye....

hmmm

The Beast is Released.

What should I update? well SOMEONE is a piece of shit and an ass hole that is a god damn fucking lying bastard and I HOPE something tragic happens to him. he doesn't deserve to live...

PIECE OF SHIT

anyways....I'm a PSO- Phone Sex Operator...yeah I know...kind of lame...and trashy...and horrible...but what the fuck ever...everyone else in this world seems to be degrading themselves...why not me? I mean I'm making money over people weaknesses...their weakness to believe that there are other things in life besides getting off...

that's what I just absolutely fucking LOVE about men...they just want to get off...they don't give a fuck who they're fucking...or who's fucking them...they just want to get off...they don't care if they please you in return...you're not important, only they are...I would love to shove their god damn ego-tistical penis down their fucking shit talking throats!!!!

RARRRRRRRR!!!!!

Don't cross this beast.

HATE

fuck you

we can never reach it...it's unreachable.

AHHHH did you ever notice that once things become something common, seen regularly, and repetitive, they lose their special-ness.....they become less special because they become more common and average to you...you get used to it...so it becomes less and less special to you than when you first got it or owned it or whatever it is that became common...and it becomes less special until it becomes nothing to you anymore....it loses it's value...and you move on to something new.

Isn't that the truth...it's so true...even about people in our lives that at one time were special to us...it's sad but true...it really saddens me that common things can't keep people continously happy...so why do we as people claim monogomy? we go on to something else...we don't want one thing...we want it all..and we wont be satisfied until we've had it all and there's nothing left to have...but it wont work like that...because you could live your whole life until you die trying to have everything, and you still wont reach it....you can never have everything...it will never happen..you will die trying...is that really what you want? to die trying to reach the unreachable to make you satisfied?

why can't you just always have the things that initially satisfied you? people always have to look for bigger, better things...it's human nature. why would you settle for less?

AHHH


I hate reality...

the sad part for me is...that when I'm high...or I try to create my imaginary world....all that comes to mind is reality because I KNOW it's there...and it wont go anywhere in my mind...because what's real is real...I can't make it not real...and it sucks....everything is all just too real sometimes, and that's what make people go CRAZY

like me...

but that's all I have to say now..



reality is such a bummer sometimes, and that's what brings people down...they need to create their own world, turn to drugs, turn to religion, turn to something that makes things better....makes the real reality just imaginitive and their imaginary world becomes their reality....

FUCKED UP..

I'm high right now.

high on life.

starting over

That's ok....maybe there's hope out there for me....maybe someone will come along and sweep mee off of my feet. Maybe I've been looking in all of the wrong places....maybe I'm just so stuck on being with something/someone that I know and I'm afraid to try something new....it's true...I'm afraid to throw away something I've had for so long for something new...only because I've spent so much time and energy on those things....and it seems like it would be such a waste to give up now...but I must...I mustgive it all up....it's time to start over new...

start over...

I like the sounds of that...

The Contradiction.

:(

Times Like These

do you call my name? do you stain my brain? my eyes are blurry and i cant see you anymore...so you just sit here stuck afraid to risk reality..

you might be dead and cold..you might be full of doubt...don't try to escape cuz you don't have no where to go...if nothing is your fate there's no scenario....!

haha!! I'm sooooo out of it right now...ughh

HE RAN AWAY

I feel very lonely right now...it really sucks...now my room mate is trying to date this one girl...I'm very happy for him, but he's forgetting about his room mate... it kind of saddens me a bit..I don't want to tell him because I don't want to be selfish...I feel that he has spent a sufficient amount of time on me, and I don't want to take anymore of his time that he could spend on other things..

my room mate is great. he is an amazing room mate....my best friend...a great friend...everything...I am very glad I decided to do this..

as for my relationship with Mario....I don't know how things are working out anymore....he never sees me...never calls me...and when he does call...it's awkward...I still love him very much...even though he hurt me a lot.. I want to give him another chance to see if it's worth it.


I haven't exactly been doing much lately except for spending money that I don't need to spend...I really need to get a job right now, but no one is hiring and it driving me crazy....I NEED a job so bad.

my dog ran away this morning....I woke up to Cory bursting in my room *Brittany are you in here?* as I pop my head out from underneath my covers trying to awake from a deep deep sleep. *yes I'm here*.... *Kobe is gone, I woke up this morning and the door was wide open and now he is gone!*....*NOOO*.......

and then Cory searches for him in his car as I stay at home in case he would miraculously appear back at our front door...

realize that Kobe has not gotten used to staying at my apartment yet...we got him 2 weekends or so ago...and he does not know Akron at all...I don't even know Akron at all.....I STILL GET LOST...I kept thinking the worst this morning but Cory found him and brought him back...I was happy..

now he is sleeping soundly and content on the couch in the living room...I Love my puppy..

anyways.....college is ok I guess.....nothing really much to it...

that's all I have for now...I must return to whatever it was I was doing...ciao

In the Shadow of the Valley of Death-MM

I miss him.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY everyone!

even though it's an over-rated Hallmark Holiday.....

who is to blame?

ME

I ruin EVERYTHING...everything bad that has happened to me...no one elses fault but mine...I've been selfish the whole time believing that I was not to blame...I am...I am the one to blame for fucking everything up..

I was told by someone today that I love to be miserable..that I don't want to be happy...that I don't even want to smile..

is this true? do I love misery? am I capable of being happy?

I'm just a fuck up....

It's my turn

I give up...I must let him go...I knew it couldn't work anyways....I just need to let everything go...I hold all of these things in my mind, and I'm so sick of putting my self through so much pain....all because of what? because people are ass holes? no....I will not feel like shit because someone else treats me like shit....if someone feels the need to treat me in that kind of a way, then you're not worth my fucking time...

I have never done anything bad to ANYONE but MYSELF...I will never have enough ignorance to hurt someone let alone in the way that I have been hurt..

Mario says he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but yet he has done all of these horrible things to me...and says all these horrible things...If I meant anything...ANYTHING to him he wouldn't say any of that...or do what he has done!

I gacve him everything I had...my trust..my love..my heart...everything...I gave you $1200 so you could pay fees....when I needed that money...I took that money out with a loan...and now you threaten me and tell me you wont pay me back? FUCK YOU..

Look at how ignorant people are anymore...they do everything for themselves and NOTHING for everyone else...

I have nothing to say to people like that..I'm not wasting my breath on them...not anymore...

I'm DONE....I'm done wasting my time...my life...my energy...everything on people like that..

I need to concentrate on school...on enjoying life...on doing good....on being happy...

It's my turn to do something for myself....I'm always worried about other people and helping them...not once have I helped myself!

RELEASE

Here I am...in my apartment listening to the foo fighters very loudly....trying to file my taxes.....what a pain in the ass...at 4 o'clock I have a test that is scheduled at the Computer based testing center....is it really coming to the point where it's too hard to use a pencil and write on paper? I mean if there were doing the CBT thing for economic reasons such as using less paper and not killing so many trees....but that's not their intentions...I honestly don't know what their intentions are...

anyways...my plan for today is to take my dog and introduce him to a bunch of other dogs around here....it sounds really lame I know...but I met these awesome pit bulls through my friend...and I think my dog could use a little interaction with other dogs...it's nice to be around your own species every now and then lol..

so life is still pretty stressful for me...it's not only college, but it's everything...it's living in this apartment with Cory...and trying to figure out my relationship with everyone....Cory is just a good friend and that's why I moved in with him...but he tells me these little things that make it sound like he likes me...I don't want that to happen...and now one of his friends just told me the other day that he likes me...

I can't take it anymore...I'm so sick of things getting crazy...I'm technically in a relationship that I've been in for three years...well I'm supposed to be....I don't know what's going to happen with it....I don't feel the same about things anymore..

He acts like the male is meant to be dominant...sure whatever...maybe the male is SOMETIMES more dominant just because of their physical strength...but fuck you....if we're in a "Relationship" and you tell me that you're dominant and I should be submissive and that I don't have the right to do whatever...then all I can say is FUCK YOU....

I WILL NOT be in a relationship where the other person doesn't see us as equal......I AM NOT submissive...and never will be.

You shouldn't have to try to dominate me...I should WANT to do things for you....just because I want to do things for you does not make me submissive...I'm doing it of my own free will because I want to.

Maybe I just shouldn't be in a relationship....


But I do know that I need something more out of life that I don't have right now...I'm not exactly sure what that is...maybe someone I can talk to...someone who will be here for me...something..

I always feel so alone...and I don't tell anyone anything...I hide it all...keep it a secret...

I don't want to keep everything inside...it has to be released

TAKE ME AWAY

RAEL-

I fucking hate you....you made my life a living hell...you broke me...you're the reason I am who I am today...you made me hate people...you made me hate myself....you made me question everything and everyone...you took away the good part of me...you made me give up so much...I gave you so much...

and what did I get in return?

abuse...heartbreak..

I HATE YOU..

I've never hated anyone as much as I hate you...never in my life will I remember something as much as I remember our time spent together..


I used to believe in so much...I used to be a nice person...I used to enjoy life...I used to be happy...I used to appreciate things....but now...now I'll never be the same...never again will I be the real me..

I can't be the same anymore...and it sucks because so many people are missing out on who I used to be..

I try to be that person I once was, but then I remember all of the things he did and I realize that I can't trust people...I can't believe anything...

:(

I wish I could forget all of it...it's been about 6 years now...and I can't forget it...

ANYWAYS....ughh

I went to the clinic at the University yesterday...got me some Flexeril (Cyclobenzaprine)

doesn't work worth shit...in fact it just makes me pass out...that's all...whoever came up with the idea that this relaxes your muscles is full of shit...in fact it's a tricyclic and was used for depression and whatnot...so why is it prescribed for muscle spasms?

God I HATE college life...I look out my window and watch all these kids partying...I don't want to be in that position..I don't want to go to random parties...play beer pong or do stupid shit....I like to drink nice mixed drinks and drink socially at gatherings or bon fires or whatever...I find most college students are really annoying and obnoxious and not too mention slutty...ewww

how can you even be like that? why?

I've never understood any of this..

anyways...not much else going on in life right now...I just want to disappear...

STILL...

ughhh...permanent vacation please?

take me away

2 bottles of liquor on the wall.

I'm sitting in my own living room right now and I don't seem to know anyone that is sitting in my living room...it's not like 15 random people in my living room is unusual....because not having random unknown people in my living room is unusual...Mario and I had a really big fight. I really miss him...and I love him so much...I don't know why I've been so crazy...but all of these feelings and emotions are built up inside of me and I guess it's time to just explode them out of me. I LOVE Mario with all of my fucking heart...I love him soooooooooooooooooo fucking much. why do we have to fight....why????? why the fuck do we have to fight? I Love you mario.....you don't even read these blogs and I Love You...I just want to let you know if by chance you ever come across these...

I have always love you...I will always love you...you are the one for me and you mean everything to me in the whole world....

I want to be with you...I want everything from you, and I want to be able to give you everything as well....

What am I doing with my life right now? I really don't know what life has in store for me.....I have no clue what's going to happen after right now...what should I do? I'm trying to get a job but this fucking piece of shit economy is not working out in my favor......

my life fucking sucks soooooooo fucking bad....I need some fucking liquor right now....some liquor in my system...actually not some...more like a whole bottle...hell lets go overboard....2 bottles....

SLEEPY

I have a realization.....I'm in love with Msrio....I mean I have loved him for a very long time...but I have been doubtin our situation for a while now...but I Love him...how could I deny it....it's been the only thin that's kept me here...I love him so much...sure things haven't been great...but who gives a shit...things get hard sometimes....

I love him so much...he means everything to me...

it's just that I don't know whether or not he's telling me the truth about everything. I don't know if I can trust him......sometimes I can picture him doing everything and anything behind my back...like fucking tons of broads and going to the strip club and getting shit faced and having three-somes and going to the bar and all this stuff...but he tells me he doesn't do anything...can I believe that?

I went to Peabodys last night in Cleveland...saw my room mates friends band play their second show...it was awesome...they're so good...

It was fun...I mean my atmoshpere isn't the whole bar/club thing...I'm more of a reserved stay at home person...I do have my moments when I do like to go out...but that's only usually to go out to a nice restaurant or to go to a movie...that's all..


I have a confession...I've been drinking too much lately....every night in fact....every single night....and day...and sometimes morning...but I just don't have one...two....three....four....or five drinks...I have more....and they're not beer...it's usually straight up hard liquor with a 10% mix...so the rest is the liquor....I drink and drink and drink my ass under the floor...I don't know why I keep doing it....It just makes everything go away and it makes me a better person...I tend to become happier and nicer...and more care free...not only that but my body...my back and my neck feels a whole lot better...

like right now...my neck is soooooo fucking swollen and it hurts so bad...so I'm drinking a nice glass of pineapple rum...of course I'm not drinking it right now to get drunk, but I'm still putting alcohol into my body...it's crazy...I'm prob. really sick and I don't even know it..

I know there is something wrong with my stomach...I'm just afraid to go to the doctors just because they're going to tell me what's wrong...I don't want to know..

I know...I know...stupid for pretending that the problem doesn't exist...but it does...I mean...I honestly don't care what's going to happen to me in the long run...I just want to know what I'm in store for...and what's going to tear me apart and fuck me up...for all I know I could have ulcers...or something like that

oh well...what's new...this is coming from the person with every other prolem in the world...

but I must go now...I am so sleepy.

an update on life...

I haven't written in a while...I've been going to school and been living in my apartment with Cory in Akron...nothing is new....just my classes from last semester...a lot of other cray shit is going on as well.....I don't even know how to explain most of it...I'm not exactly sure what my plan in life is at the moment...I know I still need to get a job...I need to go get my shit from my moms house in Orwell, and I need to go get my dog from my moms house. I miss Kobe...he's such a cutie...not only that but I miss a lot of things from Orwell that I'm realizing...I miss some of my family such as my grandma...I miss the atmoshpere....the trees...the nature...the bon fired...my good friend Tim..I don't know...I just miss so much...

Things are so fucking complicated right now...I don't know whether to say I'm enjoying life....or If I'm not that happy...hmmm....which one to choose? I'm not so sure anymore...I'm more happy than I used to be....but yet I feel more alone sometimes.....even though I previously lived in my dorm, and now I'm here...I'm still semi-lonely...I may be surrounded by so many people, but that doesn't mean shit anymore....just because I'm surrounded by people physically doesn't mean anything...you can still be alone and be surrounded by people...

I don't know....

anyways....I'm super shit faced right now...I've been drinkinh Bacardi....and there's a bunch of people in my place...

CIAO

escaping reality

I know I haven't posted for quite a while...but so much has happened...I moved into my aparment in Akron with my friend Cory..

It's so nice to be able to feel at home again and to have a very nice, honest, clean, smart, and respectful room mate. You can't find many of those anymore...I know that...I'm very greatful..

As far as my reltionship goes there has been a lot of fighting and arguing going on...I don't know what's going on at all..

I'm still pretty lost...but I'm starting to feel a little better than how I felt before...I've been going to class....and everything seems to be ok..

I think this time things might work out a little better for me, or so I'm hoping.

I still need to find a job so that I can have money for things I need, and then when I graduate I need to pay off all of my loans...

"such a heart...such a soul...when you find it there you search no more..don't tell me it's not worth trying for you can't tell me its not worth dying for...you know it's true...everything I do...I do it for you."

such a good song...good job Bryan Adams...

Anyways..I don't know what's next for me in life..

I'm kind of scared to know...everything is so stressful anymore...I just need to take a vacation...a break....something...

I need to escape the madness of reality..