inability to become apathetic

I move into my dads.....not only to try to restablish a better relationship with him...but to get my life going in a better direction....and what do I get? absolutely nothing...no acknowledgement of my existance at all.....this isn't supposed to bum me out? of course it fucking bums me out....I feel like a piece of shit...like no one wants anything to do with me...

I don't expect anything either and that's what upsets me.....they act like I'm some kind of fucking inconvenience...I don't ask them for one penny....I do their laundry...I do the dishes...I help clean...I do whatever I can..and I still get shit..

I don't even like to eat the food in the fridge because I feel like I'm not entitled to any of it....isn't this house supposed to be a part of my life as well? It is my fathers...and yet I feel so alienated...like a stranger.

I just want to belong to something...anything...feel like I come from somewhere...but everywhere I try to go...no one wants to accept me...or be burdened by me...why is it so fucking hard????? you don't even know I'm here!!! I'm not a problem at all....if anything I'm good to have around...I cook...I clean...


I don't belong anywhere...and that is why I must be alone...maybe my life map has it planned out for me....maybe I'm supposed to be all by myself with no other human interaction...

I'm not like everyone else...I hope people realize that...I'm not like the average joe...I'm not like every other girl.....it seems like because I have a fucking vagina it automatically stamps me with WHORE across my forhead...I'm sorry but that's not true...I am an emotional person...I can't just "fuck" people or "bang" people...I need some kind of attachment...I need to love that person..

You think after being in my last relationship with Mario that I wouldn't even want to date anymore....I did get raped by my boyfriend....do you think I enjoyed sex with anyone after that? Is it really that important to people? It's not to me....I want a fucking relationship with people...I want to be able to talk with someone for hours...enjoy their company...I want them to enjoy my company...to like me as a person...to want to get to know me in and out...to take fucking interest...not just want to fuck...

Am I asking for too much? Do I expect too much of a human being in todays world? Sometimes I think I do...

I want human interaction....with my friends....my family....and from everyone in my life...I don't ask for much...I just want to be cared about....I care about everyone...you may not realize it...I put on a hard front....but I care more about people than they will ever realize...I care about people that may not even know that I exist at all....but I know that they do....I see peoples emotions...they wear them right on their sleeves...and I see it...I understand...and I feel for them...I wish there was something I could do...but there isn't always a way I can help..

you know it ruins my day just to see someone upset? because I know how it feels...

anyways....just had to get shit off my chest..I'm done.

Maybe I should become apathetic like my ex....he doesn't care about one god damn thing in this world...he hates everything and everyone...people he doesn't even know..he lacks any sort of compassion or concern for anything but himself...he doesn't care about anything and that's why it didn't bother him the slightest doing what he did to me...I tried to be everything anyone could want and need....I did things for him I told myself I would never do because those were MY MORALS...but I broke them for him...but being the apathetic ass hole he is...it was nothing to him..

The world doesn't need people like that..