SLEEPY

I have a realization.....I'm in love with Msrio....I mean I have loved him for a very long time...but I have been doubtin our situation for a while now...but I Love him...how could I deny it....it's been the only thin that's kept me here...I love him so much...sure things haven't been great...but who gives a shit...things get hard sometimes....

I love him so much...he means everything to me...

it's just that I don't know whether or not he's telling me the truth about everything. I don't know if I can trust him......sometimes I can picture him doing everything and anything behind my back...like fucking tons of broads and going to the strip club and getting shit faced and having three-somes and going to the bar and all this stuff...but he tells me he doesn't do anything...can I believe that?

I went to Peabodys last night in Cleveland...saw my room mates friends band play their second show...it was awesome...they're so good...

It was fun...I mean my atmoshpere isn't the whole bar/club thing...I'm more of a reserved stay at home person...I do have my moments when I do like to go out...but that's only usually to go out to a nice restaurant or to go to a movie...that's all..


I have a confession...I've been drinking too much lately....every night in fact....every single night....and day...and sometimes morning...but I just don't have one...two....three....four....or five drinks...I have more....and they're not beer...it's usually straight up hard liquor with a 10% mix...so the rest is the liquor....I drink and drink and drink my ass under the floor...I don't know why I keep doing it....It just makes everything go away and it makes me a better person...I tend to become happier and nicer...and more care free...not only that but my body...my back and my neck feels a whole lot better...

like right now...my neck is soooooo fucking swollen and it hurts so bad...so I'm drinking a nice glass of pineapple rum...of course I'm not drinking it right now to get drunk, but I'm still putting alcohol into my body...it's crazy...I'm prob. really sick and I don't even know it..

I know there is something wrong with my stomach...I'm just afraid to go to the doctors just because they're going to tell me what's wrong...I don't want to know..

I know...I know...stupid for pretending that the problem doesn't exist...but it does...I mean...I honestly don't care what's going to happen to me in the long run...I just want to know what I'm in store for...and what's going to tear me apart and fuck me up...for all I know I could have ulcers...or something like that

oh well...what's new...this is coming from the person with every other prolem in the world...

but I must go now...I am so sleepy.