I'm fucking everything up....every single thing in my life I have fucked up, and now I don't know what to do....how do I explain myself? how do I explain the reason for all of my fuck ups? what is my reason? is it even a reason? the past few nights have made me realize that I need to get fucked up in order to make it through my day...I need to not be sober...I have another docs appointment on the 23rd....I was supposed to have blood taken and an x-ray done but I haven't gone to get those yet, and I should have....but I can't get my blood taken when there are all these things things in my blood that shouldn't be there...and if they were to know then everything would be revealed..no one knows anything...and I've kept it like this for years....and now I don't know how long I can keep it anymore....I guess until I kill myself..
I keep doing things I shouldn't be doing...but yet I know exactly what I'm doing when I'm doing those things....
I don't know what to do..
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