A reason for my sadness...another reason to drink

my grandma is in a coma right now...

I would pray for her...but to who? I don't believe in God...and what would I pray for? for her to be alive and miserable never seeing the outsides of a hospital or for her to die so she can be relieved and in piece while leaving everyone that loves her behind not knowing what to do?...

my mom.....my grandmas daughter fails to see that she has a daughter of her own...a daughter who is also losing her grandmother...and that she's not the only one suffering...all of this time my own mom has forgotten about me because she doesn't love me her daughter as much as she loves her mother.......it's sad but true...I do love my mom...as much as we have fought and wanted to kill each other in the past...I do love her..and I hate seeing...and hearing all of these things....every day for the past month I have gotten phone calls from my mom telling me that my grandma might not make it...how do you think I've felt? how do you think I've gone about my days after a phone call like that? every day I've had to worry about whether or not I was ever going to get to see my grandma again.

So close to mothers day makes this very dispairing..... I was going to send her a beautiful vase of flowers....

I thought that my grandma would get to see me get married...

I feel like a piece of shit for not giving a damn about my own life...when someone that actually enjoys living is losing theirs...I would give mine to her in a heartbeat.......