Running Away from Civilization

I remember the days when I wrote a blog every day.....sometimes I would write up to twice or three times a day...I consider this my on-line diary....in fact my only diary that I own....when I was a little girl I watched movies and tv shows of girls of every age writing in a diary....I thought that that was something I should do....I should start a diary and write down my daily thoughts and activities...so I did...but my house wasn't a safe place for anything private....my mom went through everything I owned...in fact at almost 19 years olf she still does....and I don't even live there...I couldn't have a diary...she went through it....read my private poetry....my mail....everything. Of course most of my diary entries were about my mother...it's just a bummmer that I couldn't keep something like that to look back upon....I couldn't keep anything...

I know that most of my blog posts are a bit depressing but I don't have anything else to write about at the moment...the stages I'm going through in life right now are nothing but depressing and hard..

It saddens me...I feel like I'm getting no where.....I mean I was put into school a year early when I was young...so when I started my freshman year of college I was only 17....maybe I expect to much of myself? is that it? am I too harsh on myself? I expect so much right away....at such a young age....but why not? why can't I get these things done now? I am 18.....I know that I'm not going to have my life set right away....but I still need to keep trying....or else then I'll never have it......what if I don't? what if my life never gets in order? what am I supposed to do then?

I have nothing else to hold onto....no special talents....nothing unique.....I'm just like anyone else I suppose....I write poetry....but it's not that great....I like to draw...and paint....but it's not the best...

I don't even know what I want to get into major wise at college...I have so many interests....SO MANY....but none that would do me good in a career...none.....my room mate Cory used to tell me that he didn't care how much money he made in the future...that he just wanted to do something he enjoys.....but how can you do that? how can you not care about the money you'll make? all I've been subjected to my whole life is the downfalls of not having ENOUGH money...and I don't want to have to go through that again...I want to be financially secure..I want to be able to live comfortablly...

I know money isn't everything but it helps get things done....it HELPS...the littles things make me happy...the sky...the moon...the trees....flowers...woods...hiking...music.

but money makes the world go round as they say...sad but true...so sad.

I miss being little.....I miss being able to not worry about things like money and school and a job....and life....I miss worrying about little petty things like what flavor candy I wanted to pick from the dish at the bank...or wanting to stay just one more hour at the park....

I find myself wanting to escape somewhere....I see myself running away from civilization and hiding in the woods...sitting there hour upon hour just staring at nothing...but something that means everything to me....

I've been thinking about Mario a lot lately, and how sad he makes me. He makes me really really sad....why do I think about him if he brings nothing but tears to my eyes? He's a horrible person and I should be very thankful that he's out of my life...but the thing is...he's not out of my life...he's still there....tiny bits and pieces but he's still there...I hate receiving messages from him..e-mails and texts...because it dampens my day..and makes me think of what I wanted from that relationship...I wanted so much..and gave so much but received nothing...absolutely nothing in return..I wasted three years of my life trying to make something impossible work....of course I still think about it...I still loved him...I didn't end the relationship...no one ended it....it was just left....what was I supposed to think? oh well...who knows....I don't want to think about it anymore...

anyways....that's all I have to say now..I'm going to go finish reading my book "We The Living" by Ayn Rand....it's fantastic...

Peace