Back in O-H-I-O

Ha ha ha.....my shitty life has caught up with me....my past I should say....and to think I was on the right path in my life...I go to rehab last year complete 6 weeks of treatment and then move to Florida to get away from all of the bad up here in Ohio....well there's bad everywhere...and quite frankly I HATED Florida so so so much...what a ikky place...sorry but I'll stick to Ohio...it's beautiful up here...and I'm familiar with the wood creatures up here. no more fire ants and brown recluses and black widows...But Ohio is really getting to me again...The bad people...the bad things...the bad ways.

fuckkkkk....so last year in March....I believe March 8th. the cops pulled in my driveway and apparently I had a warrant for my arrest for a car accident that I had gotten into December 8th- 2010 and I missed a court date I didn't even know I had because I was in the hospital having back surgery...so anyways they pull in my driveway run my plates and let me know I have a warrant...I'm shocked as hell....so that supposedly gave them motive to search my car for whatever reason...mind you I was already out of my car up to the door of my house ready to walk in as they pull in my driveway with their lights on....which is FUCKING BULLSHIT because it was such a bitch move on their end...I asked them what they wanted and they said that I didn't have my headlights on...which is bullshit because I completely turned them off...so when they searched my car apparently somehow they found some dope in my car...hmmm....and a WHOLE YEAR later I am JUST now getting charged with it....it's an F-5 in Ohio...I don't understand...why didn't I get a ticket or some kind of charge for it at the time...it just bewilders me...so now a whole year later after I've been iin rehab and have been clean they want me to start going through this shit again...I mean what the hell am I supposed to do?? It just stresses me out to the point where I want to go back to my old ways....but I know if I have one little fuck up I'm DONE for...I just need some kind of help...I want all of this to go away..

No more room...

Shit.....I'm so home sick today....sometimes it's so overwhelming (one word?) to think about what got me here to Florida.....crazy......I honestly don't really like Florida at all....I hate the weather...I hate the animals...the bugs...the trees the grass the lack of nature due to excessive heat. Whatever...it got me away from the shit that I needed to escape. And to think that the shit I escaped from used to be my escape from every single thing :( I can't say that I don't miss doing H because I do. It freaks me out because it'll probably haunt me for the reat of my life. I was a junkie for about 10 months and I've been clean for 4 months now since I went to rehab. But I still have nightmares every single night about my use.....it scares me because it makes my cravings so much stronger. Most of the time in my dreams I end up scoring dope and then I look at it and I don't want to do it so I stick it in my pocket. Then I usually wake up thinking that it was real and get really excited and go to reach into my pocket and nothing is there :(

Now that I'm in Florida and back on my feet from my ten month binge I got a job and I have money...that scares me as well...I'm afraid that now I have money I'm going to seek it out down here...and I can't say that I haven't thought about it....oh boy have I...

I also want to take a trip back home for a few days and go get my car..I know if I go up there that I'm going to go get dope...it's too accessible up there. It's everywhere.

Man. I just gotta stay strong like I have for all this time and not fuck up...because I've fucked up way too many times before....and I don't think I have any more room in my life for big fuck ups...

are you on your way?

Lyrics to Are You On Your Way :

[Zack sings:]
Don't you miss your family and your friends?
Don't it feel like this road never ends?
And don't your freedom make you feel so small?
You knock one down and there's another wall

And so you let it creep back in your memory (in your memory)
And you let it live there in your mind
Because you're too scared to be alone
You're too scared you'll be left behind

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?

And don't you hate living with that emptiness?
You got someone, but you're a lonely mess?
Don't you hate waiting on a better day?
You know that it will leave you as soon as it gets here anyway.

But you can't erase it from your memory (your memory)
So you let it live there in your mind
Because you're too scared to be alone
You're too scared you'll be left behind

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?

When are you coming home?
When are you coming home?

It's kinda like a race in time
You can't see the sign
But you are not alone

So even if you change your mind
You can't turn back time
But you are not alone!!
But you are not alone!!

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
When are you coming home?

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
When are you coming home?
[Zack sings:]
Don't you miss your family and your friends?
Don't it feel like this road never ends?
And don't your freedom make you feel so small?
You knock one down and there's another wall

And so you let it creep back in your memory (in your memory)
And you let it live there in your mind
Because you're too scared to be alone
You're too scared you'll be left behind

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?

And don't you hate living with that emptiness?
You got someone, but you're a lonely mess?
Don't you hate waiting on a better day?
You know that it will leave you as soon as it gets here anyway.

But you can't erase it from your memory (your memory)
So you let it live there in your mind
Because you're too scared to be alone
You're too scared you'll be left behind

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?

When are you coming home?
When are you coming home?

It's kinda like a race in time
You can't see the sign
But you are not alone

So even if you change your mind
You can't turn back time
But you are not alone!!
But you are not alone!!

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
When are you coming home?

Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
When are you coming home?

So long ago...I'm back

I can't believe my post was so long ago. To think that I used to try and write on this thing everyday. I guess that's what happens when you pawn your laptop to score dope. My life went to an absolutely crazy place. A place I never thought that I'd end up. I went from a somewhat decent person to a hardcore heroin addict. My ex boyfriend ended up in jail with 3 felony charges and put my current best friend and dope partner in the hospital. I od'ed twice and almost died. I ended up in the hospital and my car was missing. I also lost my new job that I had for a year because I got into a car accident and had to have immediate back surgery, that was my second back surgery on Christmas Eve of last year when I was on my way to bail Kyle (my best friend) out of jail. So I was an addict for 10 months.

I have never been through anything as bad as being addicted to opiates/heroin EVER in my life. It was the absolute most worst thing that anyone can go through. My best friend Kyle is 31 years old. I am 20 and he has been a heroin addict for over 10 years and has od'ed multiple times and died time and time again. Not only that but he has yet to ever have a job and robs and steals and scraps and pawns for his daily fix. He introduced me to my first taste of dope and then to my first shot. I fell in love at first injection. Well I ended up being grimy as hell along with him to score money and ended up being a hardcore fiend who got dopesick if I didn't have a fix every few hours. My whole town got hooked on dope at the same time because of the recent change in the makeup of oxycontin and the anti-abuse potential it now has. We had a big dealer who sold amazing quality right in our tiny little town in Ohio. I ended up putting myself in rehab this year a couple of months ago for 6 weeks and got clean. I felt so crazy but I did it. Now I'm in Florida because I had to move away in order to get away from the drugs. I'm starting my life over.....I have so much more to talk about....but this is a start....I need some therapy and this used to help....

Breakeven

The Script-Breakeven

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
_________________________________________________________________________

So....I had a dream about Mario this morning. It really bummed me out. In the dream he came back to me, out of nowhere. Like I should still have been waiting for him after all this time and the things that he did to me. But we were together...in my dream I was living at my moms again and I was dating someone else (not who I'm really dating now at this point in time) but someone else (he looks like a guy I work with) Anyways....Mario came over to my moms and we were in my room together just like old times. We were kissing really passionately. But all I kept feeling was confused as to why he was back, and why I was even kissing him in the first place. All I could feel in my dream was the hurt and pain he made me go through all of those years that we were supposedly together. I loved him with all of my heart, I truly did. He really changed my life and my views of people. He's made me very apathetic, and it's not a good thing. I used to care about everything, and now I don't care about anything really. Mario, you broke my heart. I really wish that my subconscious mind would stop bringing him up, along with other horrible memories I would like to forget. Just go away...please..

On another note, I'm really confused about my life right now. I don't know where I'm going in life, It's like all my plans that I've once had are COMPLETELY shattered in my eyes. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be in a serious relationship, and I don't know if I should be. It's hard because it's already been a whole year and then some with Matt, but things feel weird anymore. In the beginning it was really hard because things had just ended with Mario and I and I felt really scared and overwhelmed with being in a new relationship because quite frankly I was still in love with Mario....but then I fell in Love with Matt.....but I was still scared because it was a completely different situation. I loved Matt a lot more in the beginning because he became someone else throughout our relationship, and now things just aren't the same and aren't as good as they once were. When I was with Mario it felt like those three years were passionate all the way through, but I also didn't live with Mario and only got to see him once or twice a week and sometimes less. So technically I've been with Matt way more than I was with Mario. I feel like this relationship now is holding me back from a lot of things, and I don't want to feel like that because I'm only 19. You're only young once right? So why do I try to make life so serious so fast. I'll get there soon enough....but I'm already there..

I need some help and some guidance....what I really need is some advice. But I'm living a lie to everyone. I'm a liar. My parents think I'm still in school, but I haven't been for months. What do I do? Do I tell them the truth? I can't. They would be so ashamed and disappointed. I can't face that pain. I feel like a failure enough as it is...I still have time right? I'm a year ahead of everyone anyways...

Why do I expect so much out of myself? Probably because I know that I'm capable of achieving all of those things, but why haven't I already then? :(

The Impossible and Possible Dream

So I quit Domino's and got a new job working at BK in another town close by. They hired me in as an Assistant Manager right away without having any previous work experience in a fast food place. Good for me right? Yes. I'm excited about it. I make more money and get more hours, which completely works out for me. The people are ok too....which is always a good thing. What else is new? Hmmmm....nothing really.....it's tornado season....YAYYYYYY I want to see one SO BAD. The sirens went off in Orwell the other night. It was awesome....I was ready....but nothing happened :(

I had a crazy dream about my Grandma last night.....she died in a car accident, I was with her in the car in the passenger seat, the car flipped over and my grandma wasn't moving or breathing....even in my dream I didn't know how to do CPR correctly and I knew that but I tried anyways...I remember watching Baywatch (lol) when I was little and seeing them do it so I tried what I could remember, and it didn't work. I remember I just kept pounding her chest over and over saying grandma wake up, wake up grandma. It was horribly sad..Why do I still have dreams of her dying when she's already dead? It's puts me through the same situation over and over again.

The second dream I had was about my brother(he's my twin.) My brother has always acted younger and more immature than myself. So I know that he's immature and whatnot, but I just didn't expect him to start getting into the partying thing like I did. I thought that he would completely steer clear of it, but obviously that was unavoidable. Anyways, in my dream he looked crazy....he had to have been twenty something in my dream (which is funny because we're both 19 at the moment) anyways his hair was all greasy and messy, and he had tattoos (which he doesn't have now) and he was telling me about the drugs that he was into at the time. All I kept thinking in my dream was "man this is all my fault, if I wouldn't have done all those things when I was younger and acted like it wasn't bad, he wouldn't have been in this situation." He had this black case that he zipped open just to show me a bunch of syringes and this bottle. I asked him what it was and he tells me it's a veterinary drug and then I knew what it was right away...I just didn't want to hear it. He said "it's called Ketamine." I told him yeah I know what Ketamine is and that it's dangerous but he was all about it. Anyways....WHAT THE FUCK....weird ass dreams...hopefully that doesn't happen...well I must hop off of here now...I'm really cold and need to stay warm...they just turned our electric back on today...it's been off for a week now...

Tornado Dreams

I keep having all these crazy dreams about tornadoes...not like that's uncommon for me...but I am having them every single night now.....insane..I think I've had dreams of tornadoes ever since I was a kid like 8 or 9 up until now. It used to be the same exact dream over and over throughout the years and it would only happen every now and then. But now I'm having all these different and new tornado dreams, very close to home. It's funny that I'm having them now when all these tornadoes are appearing in Kansas and Texas and whatnot....of course I'm never going to see a tornado where I live at, but I would love to....it sounds crazy but it fascinates me greatly. Wouldn't it fascinate you if it haunted your dreams throughout your whole life? I feel like I NEED to see one....not even that but be right there...I would LOVE to die in a tornado...not anytime soon of course but when I'm older and I'm almost at that point anyways...it would be so symbolic...weird? I know...haha