FUCKED UP

500 x 5 = 2500....hmmm....

I am ready to give up...he can play these games all he wants...he's already lost me...I'm not here anymore...no longer existant....you gave me this ring...I wear it on my hand, but what does it mean? It doesn't mean anything...not to you at least...but this ring meant so much to me...you just took all of that meaning away...I can't think of things in the same way anymore...you've destroyed who I was...I don't even know who I am anymore...always down...always depressed....I don't want to be here and everyone knows this...it's just that I have so many obligations to fulfill...and hope...hope is all I can have that things will get better so maybe, just maybe I will change my mindand my outlook on life....but I don't know if that'll happen...sure it's not healthy to have this so called "negative" outlook, but is it really negative, or is it the truth? it's truthful negativity.

I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE.

I HATE LIFE IN GENERAL.

but....there are some people I have to outlive...like my grandma...I can't disappear while she is still in my life..she means too much to me...the rest...it doesn't even matter..

DXM.

dextromethorphan- it's a fucked up drug....it's legal...that's even more fucked up...I should never take it again...but I can't ignore the dxm that's just casually sitting in my room...it sure is enough to fuck me up beyond repair...but aren't I already there? I was hoping that when I took it Saturday that something tragic would happen...but it didn't...go figure...nothing bad ever happens...I was convinced for about 5 minutes though that I was actually going to die...I was puking up a bunch of black stuff and was so out of my mind that I had to have people come look in the toliet to tell me what it was...all I could think was "I'm puking out my organs...I'm bleeding inside....it's black...black means you're suffering from internal bleeding.." In a way I was hoping to see the world disappear right before my eyes...I thought my eyes would automatically shut and that it would just end like that...too bad I had forgotten that I drank grape kool-aid earlier in the day that would appear to come out as black.... I was bummed... "Dam it...I'm not going to die." Oh well...one my experiences has to accomplish something along the lines of death...

would that be considered suicide or over dose? hmmm....because who would know what my intentions of taking it were? was it to enjoy a trip or to die? if it were to enjoy a trip it would be considered overdose- an accidental death....but if I took it to die then that would be suicide...hmmm...oh well...even if I did die accidentally I'm sure everyone would turn it into a suicide...no problem with me...I don't want my name cleared when I die....I don't need to be portrayed as some kind of saint..because we all know I'm not...I'm the opposite of a saint. I'm a horrible person who does very bad things....

haha it amuses me that no one I know even knows that I have a blog on-line...or that I'm even this fucked up...NO ONE knows...and this is one of the several reasons I have this blog...I'll live it in my will or something...or in some letter everyone can read when I'm dead....and then they will understand...well, prob. not...they will never understand how I feel inside..

even when I'm "high" It's not like other peoples high...it's different and more fucked up...everything I do and feel is always more fucked up than other people...whatever..I'm not worried about it..

this blog is more like my personal reference...I can't keep a diary like a written hard copy...it's too much and too easy to obtain.....other people could end up with it and read it...I wouldn't want certain people to know I think like this...they would try to put me in a bubble....take away sharp objects...drugs...alcohol...everything...that would be bad...for me and everyone else in this world...as long as I'm living here I need to be out of it as much as possible... I will prob. become an alcoholic...but how can I when I don't believe in addiction? I believe it's all psychological..fucking dumb asses think you need it...you don't!! you're just a fucking junkie...

anyways...my life is a piece of shit...there's nothing else to write here.