light at the end of the tunnel

supposedly...we;re going to work on our relationship...I don't exactly know how...but that's what were going to do...I guess I'm happy that he wants it to work...I'm pretty sure I'm happy about it...a little bit confused as to HOW it's going to work....so I got the loan...I'm going back to college...I'm excited..not only that but I'll have money to spare and I'll finally be able to get a car....things are getting better...my major is now pre-pharmacy...I think I'll enjoy that very much...reminds me of Alchemy in a way...I think I'll be very good at it...I love learning the compounds and chemicals and whatnot of different types of medications and how they break down and extractions and how they react when combinded with other meds..I don't know...believe it or not, it is a very interesting field...not to mention it is in HIGH demand..and they make a great amount of money...I'd be satisfied with a career as a pharmacist...I mean...I can always do other stuff on the side...

I can do whatever I want to do I guess...I hope things don't fall apart again...I mean...I still have problems...but some of them are starting to clear up...I never thought they would...

all I need to do now...is obtain the happiness that I've been looking for for so long...once I achieve that, nothing will be in my way. everything will be good.

I haven't been optimistic for the longest time....I'm glad that I can realize when my life lacks a little optimism...I'm always so pessimistic about things....I've been searching for the light at the end of the tunnel....but sometimes....sometimes you have to make your own light...

this is for you

Love is such a fucking lie...how could I fall for something so fucking stupid and fake...it was NEVER real...no one loved me....LOVE IS A FUCKING LIE.

I put all of my heart and my soul into loving someone...I waste so much of my time trying and trying feeling like a fucking retard begging him to stay and begging him not to leave me...why should I be the one begging? if he wanted to leave in the first place, then he never loved me. you can't love someone and then leave them all alone out of nowhere and not even fucking tell them what's going on because you're an ignorant inconsiderate ASS HOLE!

do you think I was fucking lying when I said I Love You and that I was in love with you and that you meant everything to me and that I wanted to marry you?

HOW CAN SOMEONE LIE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT??

I just wanted this to work....I feel so much more dead inside now...I can't steer clear of wanting to do drugs and getting absolutely shit faced...I just keep trying to do more and more and more all at once so maybe something will happen to me...maybe I'll overdose and degydrate and I'll pass out...maybe something really bad will happen....I don't fucking care anymore...no one else does why should I?

I wasn't put on this fucking planet to be miserable and feel like shit....and I can't fucking handle it anymore..

sometimes I want to kill myself in the bloodiest way so that the people that I have loved that have hurt me see the damage they've caused to me...

I want to kill myself right in front of you Mario!! I want you to see me tear myself apart and bleed..I want you to see me cry while I'm doing it...I want you to hear me tell you that I still love you on the verge of death..

I hate my life..

cheers

his name is Mario..he told me he loved me,and I believed him...but he did not mean it...he couldn't have...he says he did...but the way he treats me...I must be trash...he used to treat me like...well...it was amazing...I was very much so in love..I loved himmore than anything else in the world. I was his completely..he had all of me...every single thing....I was never good enough..he wanted more...

his life is falling apart...so I guess I must be to blame?as ifmyown life hasn't beenfalling to pieces slowly over the years...I must go through even more heartbreak....and this seems to be the worst of it all.

I really love this person...I would do anything for him...but I must not be good enough to get that in return...

I don't know what I feel right now...but I know I'm thinking bad thoughts....I know what I'm thinking about doing...but I don't even care anymore...I've only been putting it off hoping that my life would amount to something more..

I thought that this person that I loved was going to play a great part in my life...and I wanted him to..

but he had other plans..

I told him that I hate him..I'm so angry and hurt that I believe it is true...but I can't stop the tears from coming down my face because I know how much I loved him..

Does love mean nothin anymore? is it something that can be played around with...what do those words mean to people?

I have a bottle of vodka sitting next to me and it's only 8 in the morning...

I lost him...

he left..

and now I hate him..

ANGER

I'm a fucking failure at life. I have no one to fucking blame but myself. Everything I've done is wrong. I wouldn't be having financial problems with college if I would have just gotten good grades....but I couldn't get good grades in High School because I had too many personal problems that I had to deal with all by myself. No one fucking knew about the shit I had to deal with. I kept it a secret so no one else had to deal with what I had to fucking deal with, because it was a pain in my fucking ass.

I didn't have anyone that gave a shit about me...they acted like they fucking cared...but in the long run they would throw me in the fucking river if they needed to. I never meant anything to anyone.

Not only did I have personal problems that steered me away from my work, but I had excruciating back pain that wasn't helped with narcotics...I went through that pain for four fucking years until I finally had surgery after years of bitching during my senior year which was a very important year for me. I didn't go to prom....homecoming...nothing...I couldn't even understand math later that year because I missed so much while I was out recooperating from my surgery.

all of that pain both physical and emotional made it really fucking hard to concentrate on something as stupid as the school work that was given to us.

I just fucking turned 18 in September...I graduated High School alive surprisingly let alone graduating period.....I graduated when I was 17 and then went away to work all summer 3 hours away from where I lived because It was residential and I don't have a car to get a closer job to home and I can't get a job in our town and walk because our town has no jobs it's a tiny villiage with about 1,000 people. so my only option I had was to go 3 hours away and live there after graduation...I was going to save that money for a car for college in the fall but I had to buy things such as food, and rent at the place I worked...and they only paid minimum wage. So it was a little fucking hard saving.

right after I left work in summer I was enrolled to go to college an hour and a half away with no fucking car or money all by myself. That's right I took out thousands of dollars in loans to live at college because I don't have a car to commute....not only did I go to college and take out all those loans but I got a job there that I had to walk to in downtown Akron which isn't the greatest of all places. So I've walked through rain storms and snow storms just fora shitty minimum wage 10 hour a week job.

And now....I can't get any more loans to go back to college next semester and I still owe fees from last. So I have a hold on my enrollment which prevents me from enrolling there or anywhere for that matter because they hold your transcripts.

So I have no job anymore....I'm living at my dads...I can't go back to college....I have no money...I'm in future debt, and I fucking hate my life.

Not only that but my boyfriend of three years that I Loved very much and I broke up...

ummm.....my dog at my mothers house...which is my dog is currently living outside in the freezing northeast ohio ashtabula countys cold frigid winter conditions because she is a lazy bitch and can't take care of him from the inside. My dog that I love so much is going to die because he's going to freeze to death because he is an american bulldog purebreed.

He is not made for the fucking snow....but I can't take him because I have no place. I live at my dads now and they have two dogs and my mom isn't living at home shes living at my grandmas house because our house is a mess and my grandma is recovering from a bad fall at a resdiential rehabilitaional center....so our house is empty and getting broken into because no one is staying there, and my dog is there alone. I can't get rid of him because I want him so bad when and if I ever do get a place.

Go ahead and ask what else is wrong? I have a gastro-intestinal infection that makes me sick to my stomach everyday that I haven't gotten checked out because I've had no time, money or a way to get to the fucking doctors...

oh theres much much more but why keep bitching..not like I'm a drug addict or an alcoholic...

why would I do any of those fucking things..

going down

I honestly wish I were a drug fiend or a criminal or something. If I were than I would have a legitimate excuse to hate life....according to society that is...but even then it's still that persons problem. in certain aspects sure. but sometimes it's other people that make people go crazy...you fuckers are intimidating..pardon my language..

so I'm not going to college next semester because I owe fees...I have no money and I can't take out loans because I keep getting denied...oh...also my job gives me five fucking hours a week...I have no car...I'm fucking cursed!

shit just seems to get worse and worse...as soon as I think it can't get worse it fucking does, and it pops out of fucking no where...next I'm going to find out my dog died..oh man if that happened some fucked would die...

I could not bare the loss of my dog...he's my baby

so what are my options now that everything is fucking me over? any one have any ideas? should I rob a bank? JOKING that would be fucking stupid...need to go somewhere like a boutique or something...a private ownership...much less conspicuous

no...seriously...I'mjust kidding..I'm not doing that..I just think it's funny how people in shitty situations participate in more crime....it's Sociology...that was my major...I was pre-law...but can I go on with that anymore? nope...of course I can't.

my dreams and goals are fucking ruined...

anyways I should be falling asleep I need to wake up too early to move out of my dorm and move back home with my dad....

don't even get me started on out relationship....this is so awkward living there now..ughhh

right or left?

I'm a horrible person....I really really am...that's all there is to say about me...I'm horrible..

I really hate all of the options in this fucking world...it's not that fact that it's because I can't make a decision...it's because I don't know how to get to the point to where I need to make the decision...There's so many things I want in life, and I don't know how to get them. It's really depressing..I don't know what to do.

I just want things to work, I don't want to have to always be worrying about everything. I've always had to worry about something...I hate it..

I don't know where to go....do I choose the right or the left path? do I create my own? what do I do? where do I go? how do I do all of this? what's my motivation? what's my reward? what's the punishment? what? what? what?

It's so hard to be starting my life out on my own with no help, no guidance, no opinions...no support..

I just wish I had some support..I wish I had someone that understood me at all..

Maybe I will soon..
I don't know..

these three words

I hate everyone! I hate every piece of shit on this planet. fuck everyone...pieces of fucking scum that's what they are....how can someone tell someone else that they love them and then turn around and hurt them? how does someone do that? why?

first of all I don't tell anyone I Love them unless I absolutely mean it...and notonly that but love is special and sacred to me...no one gets my love unless you're really special.

when I tell someone I love them and that I'm in love with them (speaking in an intimate relationship sense) I mean it, it is no lie. I am willing to do anything for that person...my goal is to make them happy...to love them..

but what do I get in return? an I love you? those words don't even seem important anymore..

I wrote this several years ago..

These three words I want to say,
but I can't stand another day.
You're too close it's killing me
when once you said that you loved me.
Now nothing but a memory
I will clearly start to see
that maybe we weren't meant to be
and that you weren't the right one for me.
"I Love You" was not a phrase
it was said in a special way,
that was only meant for you to hear
throughout my most remembered year.
My three words I said to you,
was not a phrase, but it was true.
"I Love You" what once was said..
is now a phrase, the love is dead.

I believe I wrote that the very first time my heart was broke by someone who lied to me. He told me he loved me for years, and it was a lie.

I have never written anything after that which was quite a few years ago. I feel like I've lost any and all ability to write anything at all. It really sucks because I have so many things I've written, but they were all from then. I can't even draw anymore.

I've lost every ability I've ever had. No wonder no one would want to stay with me. They leave when they're bored.

I try and I try but I can't make anyone happy...I can make people smile and laugh, but only for a moment...why can't they stay happy? I don't care so much about my happiness when I'm in a relationship...I'm not greedy, I want the other person to be happy. I want to make them happy.

But I haven't accomplished that.

I've given up, and now I'm ready to destroy myself.

Is this how it's supposed to be?

one of these days I promise I wont be here any longer..you can go ahead and criticize me all you want....but I don't fucking belong here...I want to kill everyone...I want to just kill people...I'm fucking miserable...I don't think I'm capable of ever being happy...

what am I waiting for? I keep waiting and waiting...I keep thinking to myself...this isn't normal to feel this way...it's not right...am I crazy? am I insane? why do I feel this way?

was my life that bad? was symbolizing I'm lifeless now..it doesn't even matter what happens to me...

I don't care..

I feel absolutely horrible for feeling this way because no one knows..I honestly wish that someone did know...that way maybe there would be some kind of help...but I don't think there ever can be help for the way I feel.

honestly...I have this dying feeling inside...my stomach it's always uneasy...always unsettled..it rumbles...it shakes...it jitters..it growls...I feel like it's always empty...so I think I'm hungry...but the "hunger" is never fulfilled...it's not hunger for food...it's something else...and I don't know how to fulfill it..I've been trying to figure it out for the longest time.

I don't look like a wreck...I don't look like I feel the way I do.....but I am a wreck and I do feel the way that I do.

I could be walking through the busiest place in the world...and I could still feel alone...I could be surrounded with many people I know...all of them talking to me...and I still feel alone, empty and meaningless?

I don't know how life is supposed to be...because apparently I have a different life than most, but is it supposed to be like this? are you supposed to be so lost and confused? are you supposedto be consumed by a scary feeling?

I'm fucking scared...I'll admit it...because I'm in a scary place all alone...my mind is in a scary fucking place, and it wont leave..

I need a LONG vacation

Love isn't necessary

so what's so great about a threesome again? I mean I understand why guys want a threesome...because that means that they get to bang two chicks...but for the girls in the situation...they only get one guy...what kind of shit is that?

that's not fair...why not make it a fucking orgy and invite everyone...then it'll be a lot better....a few bottles and a whole lot of sex...see...thing is I've never done that...never wanted to do that...never seemed too amusing to me..

but boy have I had the offers..but seriously come on...there's a lot of nasty ass people in this world....nasty disgusting disease infested skanks and ass holes..

why would I want to get an std? just because most can be cured with a shot of some sort? fuck that shit...I rather cut my head off than be a nasty disease infested fruit loop....ewww....I have pride saying that I don't do shit like that...you know why? because I'm one of the few...I'm rare...not many people have morals or commonsense these days....

COMMONSENSE is a necessity to live well and to be smart....it's fucking ridiculous how many people don't acquire commonsense

maybe I'm wrong...maybe it's just part of our "primal" instincts or something....sex? primal? I thought reproduction was primal? which one is it?

Love isn't necessary...so why do I even bother trying to acquire that...I should be out finding a cure to cancer...or stupidity for that matter...stupidity is what causes cancer..

I don't need Love...I don't need to love or to be loved...

sure I WANTED it...but I don't anymore...I don't want any of it...it leads to dispair and heartache..

I know for a damn fact that everyone is a liar...a hypocrite...and a fake in some sort of way....if you say you're not then you're already one of those things...a LIAR..

everyone looks for something else...no one is ever satisfied...there's always something bigger and better to people...

I'm not the greatest thing in this world....I don't have everything to offer...there's better than me...so why would someone want to settle for less? they don't....they go out and find what's better...they look for it even if they don't know that they're looking for it...there's no way that someone can be satisfied with something that isn't the best.

someone may say that they love me and that they want to be with me...but it wont always be that way...they will grow old or tired of the same old thing...they'll want something else...maybe a brunette...maybe someone with bigger tits...maybe a blue eyed girl...there's so many different options..

somewhere down the road you have to stop and take a serious look at everything...is it worth it to put so much heart and effort into something that's just going to fall apart?

I need to stop being so serious...I need to stop trying to make things last forever and I need to let shit happen...I can't prevent everything..

College isn't worth it

you notice how some songs by Incubus absolutely rock and then the rest absolutely suck? well one song will be amazing like wish you were here, anna molly, drive...but then they have their shitty ass songs like dig and earth to bella..

I didn't come on here to rat on Incubus...they have more talent than most I presume..maybe not..maybe it's all a show..I guess anyone could sing with a shit load of money...I mean Paris Hilton did come out with an album right? there's no way that broad can sing...

so my life is absolutely BORING right now...I was going to say uneventful...but that's a lie it is very eventful...just not in a good way...

you know who always rocks? the foo fighters...that's right...they rock..I'm digging their newer song Let it Die...I don't know I just like their melody and the tone of their voices...not too mention the lyrics are usually pretty sweet in most of their songs.

im just sitting here listening to music....and I'm starting to rot in this fucking room...I HATE it...sometimes I wish I could just go for a walk and get mugged or something...then maybe my family would realize this isn't a good place and I'd go back home...

people think that they have shitty lives, well imagine being stuck in a tiny ass room living with a person you don't know that's complete opposite of you, and you don't have a car, no money, and no one to talk to....that's shitty...I rather be somewhere else struggling to pay bills and just barely making it...because I know as soon as I get the fuck out of here my god damn education isn't going to be worth the fucking ridiculous loans that I've taken out, and the interest rate that those ignorant bastards put on it....WHAT THE FUCK....it's not worth it...

they say oh it's so worth it....but no it's not!! don't listen to anyone!! they're a bunch of liars!! it's not worth it!! my high school english teacher that's past middle 50's says he's still paying off his loans!!! I don't want to be like that...but from not even a whole year of college I've already fucked myself over...thanks mom and dad!

I'm about ready to sell my plasma....my blood...my eggs...my ovaries...my fucking whatever...

I'm just going to become a god damn nomad...how about that? or a hippy....a hobo...

I wish I were an animal...

make a wish

9 o'clock on a Saturday night....what am I doing? sitting in my dorm room....alone.

funny how the old Brittany would never have just sat around by herself and did absolutely nothing..

but a lot has changed...now I have no where to go...no one to spend time with...nothing to do..

I can't go for walks to the park to sit on the pic nic tables and relax...or go jogging on the trails in the woods...I'm in Akron now...and there's nowhere to go...no park..no woods...no safety if there were those things..

why did I come here? oh yeah...I didn't think anything through..

ughhh...I want to play scrabble...but what's the use when I will just play alone? I want to converse but I have no one to talk to so I sit here and write these useless blogs...I still don't get the same satisfaction as I do when I talk to a person that is actually here..but I don't have that so I have to compromise...

I don't even want to eat anymore...

it's so weird...I remember when I lived at home I would cook all the time when people came over....muffins...cookies..cakes...stir frys...dinners...breakfast...anything...but I would never cook if I were alone..I only wanted to eat if I had company..

it's not that I can't be alone...I don't want to be..I hate it...everything I do alone feels meaningless..b/c why am I doing it? for myself? that isn't good enough...

so weird that I take care of others better than myself.

soon I will be gone from Akron forever..

and I will start my journey all over again...hopefully it's right this time...I can't keep starting over..

You only get so many chances..you only have so much money..

anxiety

my life is getting more and more complicated...the worse part...I'm completely ignoring it and pretending like it isn't happening...its kind of helpong until i get confronted by it sooner or later when I'm not expecting it.....

you know what else is funny...I'm sick...and I don't know what I have or what's wrong with me...but I don't have a car...I don't have a doctor...I don't have money...I don't have time...I am a poor, unhappy, sick college student.. It's kind of amusing sometimes...what else could be wrong..

oh wait...I shouldn't say that...that's asking for trouble right...I wish there was a place to escape to...somewhere to go...someone to go to...I feel like I need to disappear....but I can't...I don't mean like shoot myself disappear...I mean like go on a vacation...or go home...or take a break...figure my life out...

I was rushed into college...I felt like I had no other choice...I hated my house..I hated my mom..I hated my life...I thought that maybe getting out and trying to accomplish my goals would be better for me...but I had no car so I couldn't commute...no house so I had to live on campus....and no money so I took out a shit load of loans....

and I've been so unhappy...terribly unhappy here that I've done poorly...and I've failed...I'm a failure...

I just wish I could have had time to have figured it out thouroughly and made sure I'd be happy and that's what I wanted....but I worked the whole summer...lived at work...worked 60 hours a week with only one day off..i left for work the day after my high school graduation...no rest...no thought...no preparing....school...graduate...work...and school again but now im doing school and work....I've already had the back surgery...now what's next? what's my next medical problem...it looks at if history is repeating itself....funny how that works...

I'm guessing no one wants to hide me in their closet or under their bed.....I just need some peace...some space...some time....

I'm so sick of stress...maybe that's making me sick...maybe that's why I can't sleep...maybe that's why I'm fucking crazy..

But I need a god damn break here....just a little one...I've had too much stress...and knowing my luck I'll have a heart attack

I'm tired....

anyways

sleep?

CRAZY (we've established this)

ok good news is....we already know that I'm crazy....now the thing is....bad crazy? good crazy? crazy crazy? clinically insane crazy? hmmm....the world will never know...good thing I don't see a shrink...that would be great...although they couldn't diagnose me with anything...I am perfectly sane...I just have strange points of views...nothing wrong with that...

haha...I am perfectly normal.

what is normal again?

anyways...had the whole weekend off from work...went home to the middle of nowhere to relax from this shitty city and all of this stress....did it work? did I relax? hmmm yes...but when it was time to eventually come back it was sad...I didn't want to...who knew Brittany could be home sick? I honestly didn't think it was possible...

well actually not home sick...I don't have a "home" I just have places to stay at I guess....

Does anyone want an american bulldog? yes...my cute adorable puppy that I LOVE so much...he needs a home...my mother is incapable of taking care of another living being...and even though I want that dog so bad...I live in a fucking dorm...yes that's right....a BOX.

so even though I don't want to let him go...it's better than letting him suffer...believe it or not...I have a heart...unfortunately.

actually when I do come home for the little time I can (once a month it seems)...everytime I see him I cry...because I feel like I've abandoned him...he's a dog...I know...but he wasn't even mine but he became mine over time...and he would follow me everywhere...I've had a rought past 5 years or so....and everytime I would cry or I'd be sick...or whatever he would know...I would cry and cry and he would come up to me and put his nose up to my face and under my arms...or I'd be on the floor so upset and he's just try to lick my face....when I burnt myself on the oven baking cookies for a bunch of stoners (I am a virgo I'm a nurturing crazy gentle hearted fruit loop) anyways...I burnt my arm so bad...and it scarred up....well a week or two after that when the scar was a long 6 inch scab...my dog came up to me...put his face to my arm and used his teeth to peel off the scab...and then licked my wound.. it was so weird....and it healed perfect...no scar..how did he know? why did he do that? it amazed me..

I actually LOVE that dog...things like this that saddens me...I Love a dog...so much..is that weird? I couldn't take him to college with me...I live in a dorm...and now he has no one..why am I getting so upset about a dog? I don't know...maybe because he truly cared...sure he couldn't talk back to me and shit...but he knew..

amazing...

I'm honestly just a sad sad person...I try not to dampen peoples days...I just act "normal"...try..

I feel like I have no one...my family doesn't know me at all...they don't know what I've gone through...and I wish they did..I wish I could tell them how bad their daughter, their grand daughter, their sister really is..

Is feeling so down all the time an illness? is it...because I've never believe in that...I've never believed in being diagnosed with depression or any of that shit..they told me I was depressed when I was 13...but how did they know?

they gave me pills....a fucking pill...was that going to change anything? at 13 I sat and thought a pill can't change anything I am what I am...it will be there whether or not I take the pill..honestly what kind of 13 yr old just thinks weird shit like that...I thought that people thought they felt better after they took the pills because they were told that they would feel better...I've always believed it was psychological...all in your mind..

anyways...I'm rambling...there's a reason for that..but I wont discuss that.

If I....

if I had a fucking gun right now I would honestly shoot myself in the fucking head...why? because I fucking want to...not because I'm psycho or depressed or whatever the fuck other peoples excuses are...I just don't want to fucking live...why is it that no one believes that that is the real reason...they're always like I'm sorry what happened? did you fail a test? did your boyfriend break up with you? did your dog die? NO BITCH I JUST HATE THIS FUCKING PLANET...

seriously there is no other fucking excuse...I fucking hate people...I hate them all...I really do...I give up and I'm not even trying to find the good ones anymore..I just fucking hate them all...

there are no good people...none!!

we all fuck each other, we all hope to see someone else hurt, or to hurt someone else...we all have hatred towards someone or something, we're all hypocritical...we're all liars.....we are all what we say we're not!

at least I can fucking see the truth..

*in a sky full of people only some want to fly...isn't that crazy?*

it is crazy!! what the fuck is wrong with you people!!

SCRABBLE

so today is Tuesday...I have no classes...thank god....I'm starting to lose interest in going to classes..only because they're not challenging enough...don't you see that the only way I'm going to be interested is if it's challenging me? it has to be something that sparks my interest...something I don't know...I already know that men out power women...I already know where commas and apostrophes go...I know the basics of being a good public speaker...I mean...seriously...I learned more in 8th grade..maybe even 6th grade...isn't that bad? Come on...challenge me..

anyways it's so cold outside...I didn't know today was Veterans day....I was going to the bank...and guess what? it was CLOSED

oh well....it's okay...I'll get it tomorrow...

anyways...I bought myself some Scrabble!! I'm sooooo excited....except I don't have anyone to play with yet...

yet

scrabble is the greatest game ever invented..

A Pill..

those are all pictures of my eyes...crazy isn't it?

I don't know what's wrong with me....why are people constantly compelled to break my heart.. is it fun? I wouldn't know...I've never done that to someone..

I'm here...crying alone in my fucking dorm room...I hate this place...but the weekends are the only time I can cry in peace....I hold all of the tears from throughout the week and shed them when my room mate goes home..

I feel crazy....because I had a bad experience with the first person I was ever with...he lied to me for 2 years about who he was...everything about him was not real..he would look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me...but then he abandoned me out of the blue and was never to be found again...it hurt a lot...I didn't think I could trust again...who could...I lost a lot for him..

Now...a person that's supposed to love me as well tells me I'm not the one for him anymore....he can ignore me for days....and not want a thing to do with me....

is that normal? is that normal to not WANT to talk or be with the one you love? to have absolutely no need or desire? maybe he didn't love me from the start after all..


This may sound crazy....but if you knew my situation, and you were in it...it wouldn't be..

sometimes...I just want to sleep everything away, if I can't sleep...I want to get fucked up....from anything possible...even if it means taking a bottle or two of something that needs that much potency to knock you out for a few hours...I look around me...and I have nothing that would alter reality for a little bit...not one god damn thing...because I've used it all up...

what I'm talking about is pain pills...I've been on those and muscle relaxers and anti inflamatorys since I was 13...

why not take advantage of them...it's not like they work for my real pain...they can't...pain pills TRY to send a signal to your brain that you're not in pain anymore...my problem is that my brain knows...and can't be fooled...

I'm not a "druggie" or whatever you would call a person of that nature...

I can just see how certain things CAN be good for you.....I've done plenty of things...and some experienced were bad...some were good..it's all what you make up...now if you go around shooting up heroin...then you're a fucking retard...well...shooting up anything...it's stupid...I will NEVER do that. unless it's the lethal injection..

*sings*
a pill to make you numb...a pill to make you dumb...a pill to make you anybody else....all the drugs in this world...wont save her from herself....

it's true...they wont...I've tried..


my life is fucking miserable because people go out of their fucking way to hurt me...what the fuck have I ever done? what what did I fucking do? I don't know what it is...and what I do...it'll never ever be good enough....I go to fucking college all by my fucking self in an unknown fucking place with no help from anyone...no fucking money but millions of fucking loans...no car...nothing..I walk to work every fucking day...I walk to classes...if I need to go somewhere....I fucking walk...

I hope something tragic happens to me today..is that bad? no...because I have nothing to show for everything I've done and everything I've gone through....I have nothing to look forward to...to what? a fucking good paying job IF that would be the case? oooohh...work....just what I want to do for the rest of my life...I can never be in another relationship...I can't...

fuck...what's left?

Favorite Fruit

This was my walk to work today....in the cold rain...wasn't that bad...I'm crazy...I Love the rain...I Love storms more...the thunder and lightning...mmm...amazing..

did I ever mention I hate kid rock? well....I do..

so today was ok...work was so long...and I have to go back tomorrow...it really sucks the life out of me...I wish there was something that made me want to actually STAY at work...but nope...don't have one yet...

the people I work with are all very very nice people...courteous...polite..and generous....I found out peoples favorite fruit...I know I'm weird...but I Love fruit so I ask everyone what their favorite is...mine is Pineapple...then strawberries...then mango...then peaches..then plums...then blueberries...then grapefruit...then oranges then lemons then kiwi...and well...every fruit lol..

I have pineapple lotion....orange mandarin body mist...pomegranate fig body wash... berry blossom deodorant..lol...can't help it..

anyways its two in morning...and ummmm im tired as fuck......whats your favorite fruit? let me know..

misery of routine

i look so lifeless

I seem to have lost track of time....I don't know where it went. nor do I fucking care..my father was supposed to come to Alron today to come see me....I was really excited...and I don't even know why.....but go figure...he didn't come or even call to cancel...I'm really disappointed actually...I thought that I could show him my dorm...show him where I work.....talk about school, how I'm doing...why I don't want to attend this school next year....why I feel like I'm dying everyday...

I feel so smothered....I feel like I'm suffocating...it's not the kind of suffocating from too much attention and whatnot...but it's suffocation from not wanting to be where I'm at...I'm just starting out life...well...I'm supposed to be just starting out anyways...I mean I've always done what I've needed to do with no ones help anyways..

I hate my life and where it's at right now....I'm a full time student with a full time job supporting myself...but I hate living in a tiny dorm...I hate this city...the smell...the look...the people..

I hate all of the concrete....the architecture of the buildings..

I look around...I observe people...and they're so fucking stupid....it's embarrassing..

I....I'm all alone...It's not that I don't want to be alone...it's just that I guess it's hard to live without communication....in fact...it's impossible...look at cast away....that guy had to survive by talking to a volley ball that he "ironically" named Wilson....everyone needs communication..

I don't fucking care how tough you are....you need some sort of communication with something or someone...

I want conversation....I want to speak with intelligent people...I want to be missed...to be enjoyed...I don't know...call me human..

I've been told I'm crazy...actually every single person I meet ends up at some point in time calling me crazy...I like a certain craziness I posess...but the other part...the thoughts I have...I hate it..

It's not like I hear voices and shit...none of that nonsense....but I want to constantly learn...to talk...to converse...to share..to educate..always listen to music...to feel certain things...

sometimes I think that I feel and think differently than others...I take a whiff of the air around me and sometimes it's very intoxicating...sometimes in a good way...sometimes in a bad way...but sometimes that's all I need to make my day..the smell of the autumn air...the fresh crisp leaves....the moistness...I don't know...it makes me happy?

It's hard to say that I'm happy...I don't feel happy...I feel miserable...discontent...and heavy...

I've also been told that I can bring smiles...and make people laugh...that I bring them pleasure...of course I want to do that....why should anyone else feel misery? I'm sure they don't think and feel the way that I do...once again...call me crazy


I'm so sick of routine...waking up at 6 am...going to classes...eating lunch...work out...take shower...go to work get home at 1 am sometimes 2...TRY to fall asleep and wake up at 6 am again...

I'm not satisfied with any of it...and I feel horrible because I'll regret it forever with the loans I've taken out, not to mention the disappointment I feel towards myself..this has always been my dream...my "Escape" but it's not that at all..

anyways...I'm routinely following my schedule today like I always do....I can't just live for the moment...where would that get me? the streets? I have a place to live because I stay at a dorm that I pay a ridiculous price for because it's mandatory for firt year students...

time to shower.....get dressed..and off to work I go.

(I still miss my dog...I'm sure he misses me...I hope he doesn't think I've abandoned him)

Weird

maybe everything will be ok....I can be positive right? it's time for a little optimism anyways...it's time for a change..

it's beautiful outside today...the sun is shining...the trees and the leaves look amazing...the reds...yellows...browns...oranges...greens....

I can't wait to leave Akron forever...I don't like it here...it's not alive...

I once thought that I would like the crazy life....bars....clubs...but I don't...I don't like the sluts...the whores...the players....the dirty filthy disgusting people....

I Love music...I love rock..I love metal...I love techno, trance, industrial and some occasional rap...I Love the 70's...the 90's...love songs...

I love loud music...I love tattoos and piercings and colored hair...my favoriate color is black...

the average person would look at me and automatically judge me...she's a goody goody...she's a prep....she only knows what she's taught...she likes pink and listens to pop...she drinks starbucks and loves to go shopping..

I do know what I'm taught...but I teach myself so much more, and know more than what the majority of people know...I love the moon...the stars...the zodiac...astrology...I love to learn about cults and occults....the rosicrucians...the knights temoplar...my favorite thing is Alchemy it's amazing...I love to read about religion.....and mythology...greek...egyptian, norse, sumerian, indian..I study the babylonians, the olmec....

I do drink starbucks...you do get what you pay for...I take good quality any day...

so you may look and judge...but you're not always right...do I look like your typical weirdo? no...but I am...hehe..

I can say I'm weird with pride...only because weird is good to me...unique...

Death

My grandma....I love my grandma....she was and has been such a big part of my life...I'm only 18....I just turned 18 and I've hoped that she would see the day that I would get married and maybe have children...but she seems to be doing worse....everytime I see her she has such high spirits...more than I've had....

sure she has gotten on my nerves....but I Love her...I have a feeling she has gone through a lot more than I know...

I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her...she fell today...and she needs to get surgery...surgery...I went through surgery...and so many people are getting staph infections are they get sick...what if something happens to her...

I'm here at college alone with no car...no money...nothing...

If my grandmother passed away...my mom wouldn't be right..and my brother...my older brother that I care so deeply for wouldn't be okay..

He doesn't know I care so much about him, and that I Love him...but I do..I know what he's feeling...I don't know all that he's going through..but I know how he feels..

he lost his life...he's lost everything...and now he just hides..he feels like he has no one...but I want to tell him he does...I want to tell him that his crazy stupid little sister loves him very much..

why is it that I can't say the things I feel? I can't say anything at all...

I don't know...

I hope she'll be ok..

SEX

Here I am again sitting alone in my dark dorm....sitting at my desk chugging down a glass bottle of starbucks mocha frappucino....you're damn right....starbucks is way over rated..their products aren't that amazing...I've had better...in fact, Borders has better coffee, and frozen beverages...anyways...I'm also eating a kit-kat bar...what's going on with this chocolate fixation I've had lately? It's not like I'm pregnant...maybe it's because it's cold, wet and snowy out....that's right...Northeast Ohio saw its first snow today....not that great..I'm sick of Ohio weather...it's so unpredicatable..one day it's 90 degress and sweltering, and the next day it fucking snows...how ridiculous is that?

My right eye has been twitching for 2 days in a row now...none of my eyes have EVER twitched...ever...it feels like there's a fly in my eye trying to fly out but can't so he's fluttering around...it's driving me crazy! I feel like a mad man!! Isn't that stereotypical? a mad man with a twitchy eye? isn't that usually pretty accurate though lol...just kidding...

I don't know...it just seems like twitchy eyed people are a little more crazy than ummm the less crazy people? although that leads back to the conversation who is crazy and who isn't?

So I came up with the conclusion that a ritual is an unspoken language...symbols are words...and rituals are sentences...symbols make up rituals like words make up sentences...

anyways..my day has completely sucked...first of all it snowed...and then i did shitty on a test...and then I got sick...and it all went down hill from there..AHHHH!!

I don't know what the hell is going on with me but I'm going fucking insane...it's withdrawl from my old ways...which is completely opposite of what I do now...I used to be out everyday with all sorts of people, laugh, play stupid board games, cook, argue about religion lol, attend bonfires..

now...now I'm lifeless...it's ridiculous...I do nothing...talk to no one..see no one...go nowhere ahhh!!

but at least I'm in college right? yeah that's all that matters....NOT

I hate college!!!

It's so much worse than what I thought it would be..it's not challenging enough..it's elementary...it's all common knowledge...all they want you to learn is fancy vocabulary...where the hell is that going to get you??

You need skills...or talent..something..not a book full of useless big words..


anyways...Alura just totally distracted me!! why does my best friend have to live in Kentucky?? we have KFC up here....haha kidding...

no really...why?

It sucks...as if I didn't know long distance relationships don't work...I have to deal with long distance friendships...but honestly it's made our bond even stronger...I wish it would be the same with relationships..but now...there's that whole physical intimacy thing...oh yeah...what is that called? SEX...

god...I'm sorry I have no libido at the moment...but for some foresaken reason..I seem to be the person of interest with medical conditions!! maybe I'm just a big medical experiment...scoliosis...spinal stenosis...herniated discs...hormal inbalances, lightheadedness, arthritis...I just turned 18 for Christs sake! JUST TURNED...I was diagnosed with this shit at 13 years old...what the hell is wrong with me?

I must be old....13 with all this crazy bullshit...ahh my lifespan wont be too long if it keeps going this way...

that's ok..

anyways duty calls....have to finish English paper.

Cold Frigid Day

I find myself scared...scared to hear words that I don't want to hear...I feel as if I'm so broken, that if I hear those words, my world will come crashing down...once again...I never exactly fixed myself after the first crash, but at least I wasn't dead right? I made it all the way here, just to have this thrown at me like the last one...

I look at the sky....it looks so empty...I look at the trees and they seem so dead and bare..I look in the mirror..and I see my youthful look has diminished..I have bags under my eyes, glassy bloodshot eyes, and dry skin....the color of my skin is so much more pale than it has ever been...you can see everything underneath it, the veins, and the blood flowing through.

I'm beginning to feel cold...very cold...my warmness has iced over..

maybe I don't have a heart...maybe that's the sudden feeling of coldness...if I don't have a heart, then how do I feel the way that I do? I don't understand..

Loves Divine

You think I'd be in a mental hospital by now..but no one knows... I'm fine right? I've went through worse...but the hard part about it is that I finally trusted people again..finally...and it wasn't worth it...trusting someone else wasn't worth this torture..you can't just be with someone for years and love that person and have everything based around them, and just have that all disappear...how can people do shit like that..how can you tell someone you love them so much for years and that you want to have a family with that person and then just out of the blue end it all...how?

I want a god damn bottle of something...how pathetic coming from the preacher...here I am good Brittany who preaches about having a life, going to college, doing "good" things...and yet I'm the most messed up one out of them all..I'm a lying hypocrite...but I always wished the best for everyone...I always have...I've tried to help people out...why can't someone help me??

people always tell me things will be fine, but they wont...they wont be fine...people keep stomping me down..

what did I ever do? what what did I do to anyone? I was good once...and now...now I just want to die...my heart hurts so bad...

I'm not meant to be

I don't know why I thought things would be better..I don't know why I thought someone could really truly Love me..I don't know why I expect certain things from people...why do I expect a fantasy related relationship...

why do I expect at all?

Every day of my life...I look at what I have...I look at what's all around me...is it worth it? Is any of this worth the suffering..

My life isn't worth anything...nothing...Ive made no god damn impact on this world...ive made no difference...ive touched no one...i mean nothing to no one..Im a horrible person...

I don't want to keep playing these fucking games...I'm so sick of it...Life is just one big fucking game.

I'm here all alone in Akron, more alone than I was in Orwell..what happens when I'm in trouble? who do I call? who CAN I call? I was so scared last weekend..I thought I was going to die...which is weird...why would I be scared to die...because I don't want to die without saying goodbye to the people I CARE about...I don't know if they care about me...but I care about them..I was all alone...my brain was frying I had a temp of almost 105...two more degress and I would have died...but no one was there for me..

Why should I put my all into everything...and give people all of the love and generosity I have with absolutely nothing in return?

I'm sorry..

This is not my lifetime...I am not meant to be here...I know it...I can feel it..

Life is a Ritual

I don't know why people feel that they have to leave their criticism when it isn't necessary or even wanted. It's really annoying in fact.

So I work tonight...from 5pm to 10pm...not that bad I guess...I hope I don't work Saturday or Sunday...that would really suck, I already know Im working on Halloween...not like Halloween is that big of a deal...at least not to religious people, and if it is they're hypocrites..

I have to write a paper for my English class...its on Language through Ritual...haha what a great topic to give Brittany....anything that could somehow be morphed into talking about Religion is perfect for me...my teacher has no clue how opinionated I can get, but she soon will if she keeps throwing topics like this out to me..

I think I'm going to write about how so many religions are ritualistic...just like the Catholics...is not everything they do ritualistic? It's repeated over and over...what about Christmas tradition? we repeat the same thing year after year. We go to sleep early at night so Santa can come and we wake up super early in the morning wake up mommy and daddy and run to the tree to see how many presents are under it, and then rampage through the packages and open them crazy. After that is when you play with all the new things you got, and then it's time to put them away and clean up so you can have a nice family Christmas dinner....Before Christmas you purchase a tree....ritual....you decorate it....ritual.

Weddings.....ritual...propose....ring.....plan wedding...cake...flowers, white dress, bridesmaids, best man, tux...

what's wrong with a red dress? what? it doesn't represent purity? mostly everyone wearing that white dress is impure...they want to feel special, but in fact they're just like everyone else...

why do people even get married? people didn't marry each other back in the tribal/primal days......they did what they needed to do, and reproduced so they could create a population of people....there was no getting married...no unity...no vows...it's all what we made it....we created something that's special that shouldn't be that great..

how many people get divorced? how many people have been with that one single person that they married? how many people are faithful?

I would LOVE it if people were faithful...but I know...that they aren't...it's a life...I know..you can't be....people are always looking for bigger and better things, theyre always looking to upgrade...not too mention they find comfort in being with other people because of their emotional or mental instability....

I've always believed in being faithful to who you're with...I had this crazy idea in my head that told me everything would be amazing...I'd only have sex with one person, and that person would be the one, and I would marry that person....nothing bad would happen...I wouldn't get deceived or hurt..

what a BIG CROCK OF BULL SHIT!

now...I don't know what to think, of course I still want a person to be faithful to me....but I don't expect much anymore...the more I expect, the more I'm let down...and If I expect nothing, then I can't exactly be too disappointed now can I?

This world is ridiculous...this world IS ritual...everything is repeated...maybe in a different way because we're supposedly constantly upgrading...when all I see is the opposite...

Anyways....think about what rituals you have in your life right now...do you really want to do that everyday for the rest of your life?

Patch Adams

why the fuck does every god damn thing have to be sad to be good? seriously....I'm such an emotional wreck...I cry all the fucking time...I can blame this on hormones...it has to be that...everything in my body is so messed up right now...and the majority of the symptoms relates to hormonal imbalances...

I just got done watching Patch Adams for the first time...that was unbelievably sad...and I watched The Fountain for the first time over the weekend..that was really sad....it's always sad....

Anyways...so I haven't really told many people...but I changed my major to business....It was Sociology so that I could go to Law School.....but I have always been good at business related things...so I decided business...but I don't know if I'll be passionate about business...and since my career will rule the rest of my life, I dont know what the hell to do. what kind of field can I make my major with the weird interests that I have? that will make money of course...I mean sure I could go into philosophy or religious studies but what career could I get from that that is an adequate source of income?

ughhhh tv is addicting...anyways....got stuff to do...I'll catch up soon.

Pink Lemonade

I love it how beverages are called fruit juices, and then you look at the back and states thtat the one you are currently drinking is made with little or no fruit. How the hell is the product supposed to be a fruit juice if it's not made from fruit. Are we really at that point in the world where we have to use fake versions of the real thing? Why do we made different versions...is it cheaper? yes..if Im buying a product such as Lemonade, I expect my drink to made of actual lemons. Isn't that considered false advertising? They're trying to deceive us, and we're buying it. Who cares if it tastes the same, it isn't real...we don't know what we're putting into our bodies, they could be putting chemicals into our bodies that are ruining our health so we end up going to the doctor, maybe they have a bond with the healthcare companies, where if they put things into our drinks that harms our health so we go to the healthcare providers, that the drink company gets a certain amount of money that we spend going to the companies. It's all bull shit. It's ridiculous, and people make fun of the organic eaters, not that we're 100% sure the products are even organic.

anyways I didn't come here to ramble about my pink lemonade haha...

I went to work yesterday...Was supposed to work from 5pm until 1am but i ended up getting out of work early because everyone in this world at this moment are a bunch of cheap bastards....

How am I supposed to live if our world is falling apart? Doesn't this seem like just the start...first our economy fails, and then a war breaks...first among ourselves, then amongst others...and then crime goes up such as theft, and death...so that the poor people that survived the war can steal what they need such as food or clothing, and then it's all over from there.

Who's to say that's not where we're going? I know for damn sure that crime is rising as I speak. The more the economy fails, the more that crime goes up...It's the cycle of life. We're all greedy bastards.

Anyways...I have to finish my speech I have to give tomorrow in my "Effective Oral Communications" class....lets just say it's not very effective at all..

It's on SEXUAL EDUCATION....everyone needs to learn more than what they know...if they did...our damn poulation wouldn't be increasing now would it!


I MISS MY PUPPY!! I Love You Kobe!

Evolution

I love the song Evolution by Korn, and of course love the video...only because this is what I've been telling people FOREVER....and I love Charles Darwin...I'm reading the Origin of Species currently...it's a good book...watch the video it explains how the IQ of the human is decreasing as population increases...it's ridiculous but so true...

at the end of the video....they tempt the monkey....right hand cash....left hand money....generally people would choose the money....and of course the monkey chooses the banana....but which choice was wiser? I think choosing the banana was wiser...what good is cash when food is a necessity to live? money is nothing unless it's backed up with something...even then...it's nothing

I believe that the first civilizations were the smartest people of all...they had to come up with the base of everything we have today. They came up with math, astrology...it's amazing. They were the first to establish communities, and governments, and law. They knew that there would be chaos if there wasn't someone to take charge

I believe in survival of the fittest though....if you aren't strong enough, then you shouldn't be here...I believe that we should get rid of the majority of the population by filtering the weak and dumping them

anyways that's all i have to say.

Beautiful

I look so nice today with nowhere to go.....I don't know what I'm supposed to do...I hate just sitting here in my dorm...this is why I started to work..I love to work...it gives me a feeling of fulfillment....like I'm actually doing something productive...I got invited to go out with an old friend and her boyfriend tonight...I'm not sure what I want to do yet....I guess it would be fun...

I'm transferring to a different college next year. I think I'm going to go to Bethany College in West Virginia..it sounds like an amazing college with amazing programs. Akron isn't cutting it for me...I thought it would be fun to live in the city...it's not fun....I guess I didn't realize that what I had was better than what I wanted...the country is so warm and welcoming...filled with aesthetic beauty....the trees...the leaves the horses the birds...the stars at night....here you get bad city water....nasty sewer smells....hobos....and a sky lit up from lights and pollution....

There's no place of solidarity...no peace....no haven...nothing....at least there were places I could go to in Orwell that were peaceful and beautiful..nothing but stone and concrete here.

I'm disappointed in my decisions..

The Start

Here I sit alone on this shitty and uncomfortable futon that sits amongst this cold and disgusting brick wall that traps me into this tight oxygen deprived room. It's a sunny but cold Thursday afternoon. I start this blog so that my story gets told some how. I can't just not say anything every single day of my life. I feel like as I progress in age that the life gets sucked out of me. It's really ironic that while I'm supposed to be gaining life, I am losing it in a sense. I am old in many ways, and I don't understand it. My medical conditions confuse me....they tell me I have the spine of an 80 year old at the age of 13. I was never 13. I was never 11-18. I just turned 18, and I was never 18. I will never be 19 either. As I remember my youth it makes me so sad. I remember the last happiness I have ever had. It wasn't the material things. Not at all. It was the happiness, love, and comfort that surrounded me. I miss all of it. I only had it for such a short time, and then it was time for me to grow up at the age of nine because everything had fallen apart. No more fun and games, no more family vacations, no more family get togethers...no more family. I thought I had the greatest life in the world. I honestly did. I didn't believe in "God" when I was little. I didn't have to. I didn't need a haven, I had one. My family was my safe place. They protected me. I was important to them, they were important to me.

Sure my dad was cranky when we woke him up. He worked hard for what we had. My dad was the only morning person in our family. He would be up so early, that's when we would go to the mall, or get our hair cut. My brother and I would sit in he back seat as I used to get carsick when I was little. My dad would play his 70's music that my mom despised, but I loved. To this day I remember every song he used to play, and to this day still listen to them.

Even though I still have both of my parents alive, it's not the same. It's as if they're not alive. Neither one is who they once were, and neither am I. We didn't have to change. Of course we could have grown, but we didn't have to change the whole person that we once were.

I feel like my parents are strangers to me. They're adults that I must respect. They don't seem as if they're my parents anymore.

It's not fair. I'm just now legally considered an adult, and I've been a fucking adult for such a long time. I missed out on a lot. I missed out on family, happy times, and memories. The only difference between now and years ago is that I am "legal" I've still been an adult for a long time. I've had to do everything myself. Sure I may have needed help financially..but everything else...the pain, the hurt, the rough times...I went through all by my self. with help from no one. I went through a lot of fucking shit for me to deal all by myself. No one knows what I've gone through in the past few years. The emotional shit, it sucks. I wish my family would have been there for me. I wish I would have felt comfortable going to my family. I remember a few times where I scared myself so bad...I didn't know what to do...that I forced myself to TRY to talk to my mom....it didn't work...she wouldn't listen...

Now that I graduated High School...all by myself...and made it to college...all by myself...it seems better in the fact that I don't do the things I did before when I was able to, but I'm all alone here. I feel so out of place, and I hate it. I hate college, and I never thought that I would hear those words coming from my mouth. ever. Not Brittany Burnett...no way would she ever say that. She has always wanted to go to college...she couldn't wait to get out of her house, leave Orwell...leave all the shit behind and become her own person. It was her dream...even when she was little and when life was great. She knew she would become someone amazing.

I thought I was so fucking smart when I was younger....I used to get straight A's...get awards...I would be the teachers favorite. I was in the advances classes....I would talk to the smart people...I had so many friends...they were all good people. I was in sports...of course I'm talking about Elementary school.

I still know that I'm smart....it's the way that you think, when you know....it's when you want to know everything...you have this undying need to learn, to find out everything. I hate this need. I want to know everything, I know that I don't, but I try....I just keep teaching myself so many things...there's so may amazing things out there I want to learn about...but finding the people that know about those things is the hard part...I don't know why I'm interested in "weird" stuff...I don't know why I have this fascinatin with Alchemy...or why I want to learn about the ancient Mayans, and Sumerians....or why I Love Astrology....folk lore...science...history...

I'm so unhappy....I'm all alone...I hate college....I want a home...I don't have a place to go back to...no home...haven't had one for a long fucking time. I'm homeless...I live in a dorm in an unknown land not knowing a single soul....