A Pill..

those are all pictures of my eyes...crazy isn't it?

I don't know what's wrong with me....why are people constantly compelled to break my heart.. is it fun? I wouldn't know...I've never done that to someone..

I'm here...crying alone in my fucking dorm room...I hate this place...but the weekends are the only time I can cry in peace....I hold all of the tears from throughout the week and shed them when my room mate goes home..

I feel crazy....because I had a bad experience with the first person I was ever with...he lied to me for 2 years about who he was...everything about him was not real..he would look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me...but then he abandoned me out of the blue and was never to be found again...it hurt a lot...I didn't think I could trust again...who could...I lost a lot for him..

Now...a person that's supposed to love me as well tells me I'm not the one for him anymore....he can ignore me for days....and not want a thing to do with me....

is that normal? is that normal to not WANT to talk or be with the one you love? to have absolutely no need or desire? maybe he didn't love me from the start after all..


This may sound crazy....but if you knew my situation, and you were in it...it wouldn't be..

sometimes...I just want to sleep everything away, if I can't sleep...I want to get fucked up....from anything possible...even if it means taking a bottle or two of something that needs that much potency to knock you out for a few hours...I look around me...and I have nothing that would alter reality for a little bit...not one god damn thing...because I've used it all up...

what I'm talking about is pain pills...I've been on those and muscle relaxers and anti inflamatorys since I was 13...

why not take advantage of them...it's not like they work for my real pain...they can't...pain pills TRY to send a signal to your brain that you're not in pain anymore...my problem is that my brain knows...and can't be fooled...

I'm not a "druggie" or whatever you would call a person of that nature...

I can just see how certain things CAN be good for you.....I've done plenty of things...and some experienced were bad...some were good..it's all what you make up...now if you go around shooting up heroin...then you're a fucking retard...well...shooting up anything...it's stupid...I will NEVER do that. unless it's the lethal injection..

*sings*
a pill to make you numb...a pill to make you dumb...a pill to make you anybody else....all the drugs in this world...wont save her from herself....

it's true...they wont...I've tried..


my life is fucking miserable because people go out of their fucking way to hurt me...what the fuck have I ever done? what what did I fucking do? I don't know what it is...and what I do...it'll never ever be good enough....I go to fucking college all by my fucking self in an unknown fucking place with no help from anyone...no fucking money but millions of fucking loans...no car...nothing..I walk to work every fucking day...I walk to classes...if I need to go somewhere....I fucking walk...

I hope something tragic happens to me today..is that bad? no...because I have nothing to show for everything I've done and everything I've gone through....I have nothing to look forward to...to what? a fucking good paying job IF that would be the case? oooohh...work....just what I want to do for the rest of my life...I can never be in another relationship...I can't...

fuck...what's left?