CRAZY (we've established this)

ok good news is....we already know that I'm crazy....now the thing is....bad crazy? good crazy? crazy crazy? clinically insane crazy? hmmm....the world will never know...good thing I don't see a shrink...that would be great...although they couldn't diagnose me with anything...I am perfectly sane...I just have strange points of views...nothing wrong with that...

haha...I am perfectly normal.

what is normal again?

anyways...had the whole weekend off from work...went home to the middle of nowhere to relax from this shitty city and all of this stress....did it work? did I relax? hmmm yes...but when it was time to eventually come back it was sad...I didn't want to...who knew Brittany could be home sick? I honestly didn't think it was possible...

well actually not home sick...I don't have a "home" I just have places to stay at I guess....

Does anyone want an american bulldog? yes...my cute adorable puppy that I LOVE so much...he needs a home...my mother is incapable of taking care of another living being...and even though I want that dog so bad...I live in a fucking dorm...yes that's right....a BOX.

so even though I don't want to let him go...it's better than letting him suffer...believe it or not...I have a heart...unfortunately.

actually when I do come home for the little time I can (once a month it seems)...everytime I see him I cry...because I feel like I've abandoned him...he's a dog...I know...but he wasn't even mine but he became mine over time...and he would follow me everywhere...I've had a rought past 5 years or so....and everytime I would cry or I'd be sick...or whatever he would know...I would cry and cry and he would come up to me and put his nose up to my face and under my arms...or I'd be on the floor so upset and he's just try to lick my face....when I burnt myself on the oven baking cookies for a bunch of stoners (I am a virgo I'm a nurturing crazy gentle hearted fruit loop) anyways...I burnt my arm so bad...and it scarred up....well a week or two after that when the scar was a long 6 inch scab...my dog came up to me...put his face to my arm and used his teeth to peel off the scab...and then licked my wound.. it was so weird....and it healed perfect...no scar..how did he know? why did he do that? it amazed me..

I actually LOVE that dog...things like this that saddens me...I Love a dog...so much..is that weird? I couldn't take him to college with me...I live in a dorm...and now he has no one..why am I getting so upset about a dog? I don't know...maybe because he truly cared...sure he couldn't talk back to me and shit...but he knew..

amazing...

I'm honestly just a sad sad person...I try not to dampen peoples days...I just act "normal"...try..

I feel like I have no one...my family doesn't know me at all...they don't know what I've gone through...and I wish they did..I wish I could tell them how bad their daughter, their grand daughter, their sister really is..

Is feeling so down all the time an illness? is it...because I've never believe in that...I've never believed in being diagnosed with depression or any of that shit..they told me I was depressed when I was 13...but how did they know?

they gave me pills....a fucking pill...was that going to change anything? at 13 I sat and thought a pill can't change anything I am what I am...it will be there whether or not I take the pill..honestly what kind of 13 yr old just thinks weird shit like that...I thought that people thought they felt better after they took the pills because they were told that they would feel better...I've always believed it was psychological...all in your mind..

anyways...I'm rambling...there's a reason for that..but I wont discuss that.