Here I sit alone on this shitty and uncomfortable futon that sits amongst this cold and disgusting brick wall that traps me into this tight oxygen deprived room. It's a sunny but cold Thursday afternoon. I start this blog so that my story gets told some how. I can't just not say anything every single day of my life. I feel like as I progress in age that the life gets sucked out of me. It's really ironic that while I'm supposed to be gaining life, I am losing it in a sense. I am old in many ways, and I don't understand it. My medical conditions confuse me....they tell me I have the spine of an 80 year old at the age of 13. I was never 13. I was never 11-18. I just turned 18, and I was never 18. I will never be 19 either. As I remember my youth it makes me so sad. I remember the last happiness I have ever had. It wasn't the material things. Not at all. It was the happiness, love, and comfort that surrounded me. I miss all of it. I only had it for such a short time, and then it was time for me to grow up at the age of nine because everything had fallen apart. No more fun and games, no more family vacations, no more family get togethers...no more family. I thought I had the greatest life in the world. I honestly did. I didn't believe in "God" when I was little. I didn't have to. I didn't need a haven, I had one. My family was my safe place. They protected me. I was important to them, they were important to me.
Sure my dad was cranky when we woke him up. He worked hard for what we had. My dad was the only morning person in our family. He would be up so early, that's when we would go to the mall, or get our hair cut. My brother and I would sit in he back seat as I used to get carsick when I was little. My dad would play his 70's music that my mom despised, but I loved. To this day I remember every song he used to play, and to this day still listen to them.
Even though I still have both of my parents alive, it's not the same. It's as if they're not alive. Neither one is who they once were, and neither am I. We didn't have to change. Of course we could have grown, but we didn't have to change the whole person that we once were.
I feel like my parents are strangers to me. They're adults that I must respect. They don't seem as if they're my parents anymore.
It's not fair. I'm just now legally considered an adult, and I've been a fucking adult for such a long time. I missed out on a lot. I missed out on family, happy times, and memories. The only difference between now and years ago is that I am "legal" I've still been an adult for a long time. I've had to do everything myself. Sure I may have needed help financially..but everything else...the pain, the hurt, the rough times...I went through all by my self. with help from no one. I went through a lot of fucking shit for me to deal all by myself. No one knows what I've gone through in the past few years. The emotional shit, it sucks. I wish my family would have been there for me. I wish I would have felt comfortable going to my family. I remember a few times where I scared myself so bad...I didn't know what to do...that I forced myself to TRY to talk to my mom....it didn't work...she wouldn't listen...
Now that I graduated High School...all by myself...and made it to college...all by myself...it seems better in the fact that I don't do the things I did before when I was able to, but I'm all alone here. I feel so out of place, and I hate it. I hate college, and I never thought that I would hear those words coming from my mouth. ever. Not Brittany Burnett...no way would she ever say that. She has always wanted to go to college...she couldn't wait to get out of her house, leave Orwell...leave all the shit behind and become her own person. It was her dream...even when she was little and when life was great. She knew she would become someone amazing.
I thought I was so fucking smart when I was younger....I used to get straight A's...get awards...I would be the teachers favorite. I was in the advances classes....I would talk to the smart people...I had so many friends...they were all good people. I was in sports...of course I'm talking about Elementary school.
I still know that I'm smart....it's the way that you think, when you know....it's when you want to know everything...you have this undying need to learn, to find out everything. I hate this need. I want to know everything, I know that I don't, but I try....I just keep teaching myself so many things...there's so may amazing things out there I want to learn about...but finding the people that know about those things is the hard part...I don't know why I'm interested in "weird" stuff...I don't know why I have this fascinatin with Alchemy...or why I want to learn about the ancient Mayans, and Sumerians....or why I Love Astrology....folk lore...science...history...
I'm so unhappy....I'm all alone...I hate college....I want a home...I don't have a place to go back to...no home...haven't had one for a long fucking time. I'm homeless...I live in a dorm in an unknown land not knowing a single soul....
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