I'm not meant to be

I don't know why I thought things would be better..I don't know why I thought someone could really truly Love me..I don't know why I expect certain things from people...why do I expect a fantasy related relationship...

why do I expect at all?

Every day of my life...I look at what I have...I look at what's all around me...is it worth it? Is any of this worth the suffering..

My life isn't worth anything...nothing...Ive made no god damn impact on this world...ive made no difference...ive touched no one...i mean nothing to no one..Im a horrible person...

I don't want to keep playing these fucking games...I'm so sick of it...Life is just one big fucking game.

I'm here all alone in Akron, more alone than I was in Orwell..what happens when I'm in trouble? who do I call? who CAN I call? I was so scared last weekend..I thought I was going to die...which is weird...why would I be scared to die...because I don't want to die without saying goodbye to the people I CARE about...I don't know if they care about me...but I care about them..I was all alone...my brain was frying I had a temp of almost 105...two more degress and I would have died...but no one was there for me..

Why should I put my all into everything...and give people all of the love and generosity I have with absolutely nothing in return?

I'm sorry..

This is not my lifetime...I am not meant to be here...I know it...I can feel it..