anxiety

my life is getting more and more complicated...the worse part...I'm completely ignoring it and pretending like it isn't happening...its kind of helpong until i get confronted by it sooner or later when I'm not expecting it.....

you know what else is funny...I'm sick...and I don't know what I have or what's wrong with me...but I don't have a car...I don't have a doctor...I don't have money...I don't have time...I am a poor, unhappy, sick college student.. It's kind of amusing sometimes...what else could be wrong..

oh wait...I shouldn't say that...that's asking for trouble right...I wish there was a place to escape to...somewhere to go...someone to go to...I feel like I need to disappear....but I can't...I don't mean like shoot myself disappear...I mean like go on a vacation...or go home...or take a break...figure my life out...

I was rushed into college...I felt like I had no other choice...I hated my house..I hated my mom..I hated my life...I thought that maybe getting out and trying to accomplish my goals would be better for me...but I had no car so I couldn't commute...no house so I had to live on campus....and no money so I took out a shit load of loans....

and I've been so unhappy...terribly unhappy here that I've done poorly...and I've failed...I'm a failure...

I just wish I could have had time to have figured it out thouroughly and made sure I'd be happy and that's what I wanted....but I worked the whole summer...lived at work...worked 60 hours a week with only one day off..i left for work the day after my high school graduation...no rest...no thought...no preparing....school...graduate...work...and school again but now im doing school and work....I've already had the back surgery...now what's next? what's my next medical problem...it looks at if history is repeating itself....funny how that works...

I'm guessing no one wants to hide me in their closet or under their bed.....I just need some peace...some space...some time....

I'm so sick of stress...maybe that's making me sick...maybe that's why I can't sleep...maybe that's why I'm fucking crazy..

But I need a god damn break here....just a little one...I've had too much stress...and knowing my luck I'll have a heart attack

I'm tired....

anyways

sleep?