misery of routine

i look so lifeless

I seem to have lost track of time....I don't know where it went. nor do I fucking care..my father was supposed to come to Alron today to come see me....I was really excited...and I don't even know why.....but go figure...he didn't come or even call to cancel...I'm really disappointed actually...I thought that I could show him my dorm...show him where I work.....talk about school, how I'm doing...why I don't want to attend this school next year....why I feel like I'm dying everyday...

I feel so smothered....I feel like I'm suffocating...it's not the kind of suffocating from too much attention and whatnot...but it's suffocation from not wanting to be where I'm at...I'm just starting out life...well...I'm supposed to be just starting out anyways...I mean I've always done what I've needed to do with no ones help anyways..

I hate my life and where it's at right now....I'm a full time student with a full time job supporting myself...but I hate living in a tiny dorm...I hate this city...the smell...the look...the people..

I hate all of the concrete....the architecture of the buildings..

I look around...I observe people...and they're so fucking stupid....it's embarrassing..

I....I'm all alone...It's not that I don't want to be alone...it's just that I guess it's hard to live without communication....in fact...it's impossible...look at cast away....that guy had to survive by talking to a volley ball that he "ironically" named Wilson....everyone needs communication..

I don't fucking care how tough you are....you need some sort of communication with something or someone...

I want conversation....I want to speak with intelligent people...I want to be missed...to be enjoyed...I don't know...call me human..

I've been told I'm crazy...actually every single person I meet ends up at some point in time calling me crazy...I like a certain craziness I posess...but the other part...the thoughts I have...I hate it..

It's not like I hear voices and shit...none of that nonsense....but I want to constantly learn...to talk...to converse...to share..to educate..always listen to music...to feel certain things...

sometimes I think that I feel and think differently than others...I take a whiff of the air around me and sometimes it's very intoxicating...sometimes in a good way...sometimes in a bad way...but sometimes that's all I need to make my day..the smell of the autumn air...the fresh crisp leaves....the moistness...I don't know...it makes me happy?

It's hard to say that I'm happy...I don't feel happy...I feel miserable...discontent...and heavy...

I've also been told that I can bring smiles...and make people laugh...that I bring them pleasure...of course I want to do that....why should anyone else feel misery? I'm sure they don't think and feel the way that I do...once again...call me crazy


I'm so sick of routine...waking up at 6 am...going to classes...eating lunch...work out...take shower...go to work get home at 1 am sometimes 2...TRY to fall asleep and wake up at 6 am again...

I'm not satisfied with any of it...and I feel horrible because I'll regret it forever with the loans I've taken out, not to mention the disappointment I feel towards myself..this has always been my dream...my "Escape" but it's not that at all..

anyways...I'm routinely following my schedule today like I always do....I can't just live for the moment...where would that get me? the streets? I have a place to live because I stay at a dorm that I pay a ridiculous price for because it's mandatory for firt year students...

time to shower.....get dressed..and off to work I go.

(I still miss my dog...I'm sure he misses me...I hope he doesn't think I've abandoned him)