I'm a fucking failure at life. I have no one to fucking blame but myself. Everything I've done is wrong. I wouldn't be having financial problems with college if I would have just gotten good grades....but I couldn't get good grades in High School because I had too many personal problems that I had to deal with all by myself. No one fucking knew about the shit I had to deal with. I kept it a secret so no one else had to deal with what I had to fucking deal with, because it was a pain in my fucking ass.
I didn't have anyone that gave a shit about me...they acted like they fucking cared...but in the long run they would throw me in the fucking river if they needed to. I never meant anything to anyone.
Not only did I have personal problems that steered me away from my work, but I had excruciating back pain that wasn't helped with narcotics...I went through that pain for four fucking years until I finally had surgery after years of bitching during my senior year which was a very important year for me. I didn't go to prom....homecoming...nothing...I couldn't even understand math later that year because I missed so much while I was out recooperating from my surgery.
all of that pain both physical and emotional made it really fucking hard to concentrate on something as stupid as the school work that was given to us.
I just fucking turned 18 in September...I graduated High School alive surprisingly let alone graduating period.....I graduated when I was 17 and then went away to work all summer 3 hours away from where I lived because It was residential and I don't have a car to get a closer job to home and I can't get a job in our town and walk because our town has no jobs it's a tiny villiage with about 1,000 people. so my only option I had was to go 3 hours away and live there after graduation...I was going to save that money for a car for college in the fall but I had to buy things such as food, and rent at the place I worked...and they only paid minimum wage. So it was a little fucking hard saving.
right after I left work in summer I was enrolled to go to college an hour and a half away with no fucking car or money all by myself. That's right I took out thousands of dollars in loans to live at college because I don't have a car to commute....not only did I go to college and take out all those loans but I got a job there that I had to walk to in downtown Akron which isn't the greatest of all places. So I've walked through rain storms and snow storms just fora shitty minimum wage 10 hour a week job.
And now....I can't get any more loans to go back to college next semester and I still owe fees from last. So I have a hold on my enrollment which prevents me from enrolling there or anywhere for that matter because they hold your transcripts.
So I have no job anymore....I'm living at my dads...I can't go back to college....I have no money...I'm in future debt, and I fucking hate my life.
Not only that but my boyfriend of three years that I Loved very much and I broke up...
ummm.....my dog at my mothers house...which is my dog is currently living outside in the freezing northeast ohio ashtabula countys cold frigid winter conditions because she is a lazy bitch and can't take care of him from the inside. My dog that I love so much is going to die because he's going to freeze to death because he is an american bulldog purebreed.
He is not made for the fucking snow....but I can't take him because I have no place. I live at my dads now and they have two dogs and my mom isn't living at home shes living at my grandmas house because our house is a mess and my grandma is recovering from a bad fall at a resdiential rehabilitaional center....so our house is empty and getting broken into because no one is staying there, and my dog is there alone. I can't get rid of him because I want him so bad when and if I ever do get a place.
Go ahead and ask what else is wrong? I have a gastro-intestinal infection that makes me sick to my stomach everyday that I haven't gotten checked out because I've had no time, money or a way to get to the fucking doctors...
oh theres much much more but why keep bitching..not like I'm a drug addict or an alcoholic...
why would I do any of those fucking things..
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Brittany,
ReplyDeleteThe books that I recommended are not "feel good" positive affirmation type books, but rather, they offer instruction (actually exercises) on how to delve into your past and find what is causing these painful feelings and beliefs.
As I mentioned, I have read probably hundreds of these self help books. The few I mentioned are not like any others. They will guide you through the process, just like a therapist.
Knowledge is power and it is amazing how much insight into the self can be gained through reading the experiences of others who have been there and have found resolutions.
The first book I mentioned is an exemplary self help book (soul without shame). The reason I recommend it is that it can help you to first understand what is happening in your head. No meaningful change can take place until you have this self knowledge... You will learn what in your environment and in your head is creating this painful dis-ease with life.
Then, you can learn new skills to comfort yourself and not feel so overwhelmed with all of these negative issues and situations in your life. Another excellent books is, "Honoring your Anger" by Beverly Engel.
This lady had been there and back and understands exactly what you are going through. The book provides actual methods to help yourself... even though it seems like your life is crashing down upon you and it's overwhelming... you can come out of this alive and whole.
I understand that you feel like what is happening to you is beyond your control and that you would be fine if someone only helped you (with financial assistance, caring, time), but the answer lies within you.
Just as your favorite movie revealed, It was Dorothy who held her own fate. Not the wizard, not her traveling companions. She alone was the one person who was able to take herself back home. It's a wonderful metaphor for how life can work, and how we can indeed take the reins on our life.
Other people, family, friends, etc., can be wonderful and comforting, but in the end, we live our life to the fullest when we can comfort ourselves. The rest is icing on the cake.
You obviously did not receive adequate care and comfort from your parents, and you are now feeling as a lost child and wondering why everyone has abandoned you. The most important person in your life is actually you. Don't abandon yourself. You are such a bright and energetic person... and you can learn ways to take each of these problems/ issues in your life and calmly address each one.
The only way to begin is to let go of expectations and concentrate on what you can do to find resolutions within and things you can do to address your current life situation.
It's interesting that we grow up with messages (from parents, sibs, teachers, society, etc) thinking there is some ideal. We are often made to feel less than when we feel we don't measure up.
If you can suspend these unrealistic expectations and come to realize that you have tremendous power and the ability to move your own life forward, then you can begin the process of facing your sadness, anger, resentments.
This does not mean lashing out at people. It is more of a quite, introspective process. You find your own strength, just as Dorothy did. In the end, she discovered that she had everything she needed within herself.