IS THIS NATURAL?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!! SUICIDAL THOUGHTS LIKE CRAZY.....ALWAYS...IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY...I'VE ALWAYS HAD THESE THOUGHTS...BUT NOW..NOW IT'S ALL SO DIFFERENT...IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S SOMETHING I SHOULD JUST "NATURALLY" DO.....LIKE MY MIND IS TELLING MY BODY THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO...IT'S PAINFUL TO NOT LISTEN TO THESE THOUGHTS...

I'M SO SICK OF EVERYTHING....I'VE COME TO THE POINT A LONG TIME AGO THAT I'M SO SICK THAT I'M SICK OF LIFE AND LIVING...I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS...I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!! I'M NOT CHRISTIAN...I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL....I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE...WHY IS THIS SUCH A PROBLEM TO PEOPLE? LET ME GO..HELP ME...IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP THEN HELP ME FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY.

Piss on me!

I miss him so much but yet at the same time I want to kill him...does this make any kind of sense? no not really...my mind is kind of fucked up though...so it's ok...well not really ok since my mind is fucked up....I had an interesting night last night...hung out with my roomies friend Ashley...she's fucking sweet! we had a lot of fun! we also hung out with Cory and his friends...which was a pretty eventful night since one of Corys friends pissed on his girlfriend...it was quite amusing to me...only because...well...never mind I don't need to justify myself lol...it was just amusing..

anyways...I'm so hungry right now...starving...so is my dog.....hmmm prob because I'm running low on money since someone seems to think that he shouldn't pay me back....whatever...

I have no clue what I'm doing tonight...one of Corys friend has a show tonight at some bar. they are pretty good this will be their third show that they've ever played...and I've been to both of the other ones so why not keep a streak going? knowing me I'll ruin it :(

I'm so lonely right now...I just wanna sleep everything away.

everything you touch.

Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may desert you
So it cannot hurt you

You only have to look behind you
At who's underlined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way


Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand, takes your gun
Wants you out of the sun


What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way


Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may delay you
Might just save you


You only have to look behind you
At who's underlined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way


Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand, takes your gun
Wants you out of the sun


What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way


Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand, takes your gun
Wants you out of the sun


What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way


Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand, takes your gun
Wants you out of the sun


What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way

goodbye....

hmmm

The Beast is Released.

What should I update? well SOMEONE is a piece of shit and an ass hole that is a god damn fucking lying bastard and I HOPE something tragic happens to him. he doesn't deserve to live...

PIECE OF SHIT

anyways....I'm a PSO- Phone Sex Operator...yeah I know...kind of lame...and trashy...and horrible...but what the fuck ever...everyone else in this world seems to be degrading themselves...why not me? I mean I'm making money over people weaknesses...their weakness to believe that there are other things in life besides getting off...

that's what I just absolutely fucking LOVE about men...they just want to get off...they don't give a fuck who they're fucking...or who's fucking them...they just want to get off...they don't care if they please you in return...you're not important, only they are...I would love to shove their god damn ego-tistical penis down their fucking shit talking throats!!!!

RARRRRRRRR!!!!!

Don't cross this beast.

HATE

fuck you

we can never reach it...it's unreachable.

AHHHH did you ever notice that once things become something common, seen regularly, and repetitive, they lose their special-ness.....they become less special because they become more common and average to you...you get used to it...so it becomes less and less special to you than when you first got it or owned it or whatever it is that became common...and it becomes less special until it becomes nothing to you anymore....it loses it's value...and you move on to something new.

Isn't that the truth...it's so true...even about people in our lives that at one time were special to us...it's sad but true...it really saddens me that common things can't keep people continously happy...so why do we as people claim monogomy? we go on to something else...we don't want one thing...we want it all..and we wont be satisfied until we've had it all and there's nothing left to have...but it wont work like that...because you could live your whole life until you die trying to have everything, and you still wont reach it....you can never have everything...it will never happen..you will die trying...is that really what you want? to die trying to reach the unreachable to make you satisfied?

why can't you just always have the things that initially satisfied you? people always have to look for bigger, better things...it's human nature. why would you settle for less?

AHHH


I hate reality...

the sad part for me is...that when I'm high...or I try to create my imaginary world....all that comes to mind is reality because I KNOW it's there...and it wont go anywhere in my mind...because what's real is real...I can't make it not real...and it sucks....everything is all just too real sometimes, and that's what make people go CRAZY

like me...

but that's all I have to say now..



reality is such a bummer sometimes, and that's what brings people down...they need to create their own world, turn to drugs, turn to religion, turn to something that makes things better....makes the real reality just imaginitive and their imaginary world becomes their reality....

FUCKED UP..

I'm high right now.

high on life.

starting over

That's ok....maybe there's hope out there for me....maybe someone will come along and sweep mee off of my feet. Maybe I've been looking in all of the wrong places....maybe I'm just so stuck on being with something/someone that I know and I'm afraid to try something new....it's true...I'm afraid to throw away something I've had for so long for something new...only because I've spent so much time and energy on those things....and it seems like it would be such a waste to give up now...but I must...I mustgive it all up....it's time to start over new...

start over...

I like the sounds of that...

The Contradiction.

:(

Times Like These

do you call my name? do you stain my brain? my eyes are blurry and i cant see you anymore...so you just sit here stuck afraid to risk reality..

you might be dead and cold..you might be full of doubt...don't try to escape cuz you don't have no where to go...if nothing is your fate there's no scenario....!

haha!! I'm sooooo out of it right now...ughh

HE RAN AWAY

I feel very lonely right now...it really sucks...now my room mate is trying to date this one girl...I'm very happy for him, but he's forgetting about his room mate... it kind of saddens me a bit..I don't want to tell him because I don't want to be selfish...I feel that he has spent a sufficient amount of time on me, and I don't want to take anymore of his time that he could spend on other things..

my room mate is great. he is an amazing room mate....my best friend...a great friend...everything...I am very glad I decided to do this..

as for my relationship with Mario....I don't know how things are working out anymore....he never sees me...never calls me...and when he does call...it's awkward...I still love him very much...even though he hurt me a lot.. I want to give him another chance to see if it's worth it.


I haven't exactly been doing much lately except for spending money that I don't need to spend...I really need to get a job right now, but no one is hiring and it driving me crazy....I NEED a job so bad.

my dog ran away this morning....I woke up to Cory bursting in my room *Brittany are you in here?* as I pop my head out from underneath my covers trying to awake from a deep deep sleep. *yes I'm here*.... *Kobe is gone, I woke up this morning and the door was wide open and now he is gone!*....*NOOO*.......

and then Cory searches for him in his car as I stay at home in case he would miraculously appear back at our front door...

realize that Kobe has not gotten used to staying at my apartment yet...we got him 2 weekends or so ago...and he does not know Akron at all...I don't even know Akron at all.....I STILL GET LOST...I kept thinking the worst this morning but Cory found him and brought him back...I was happy..

now he is sleeping soundly and content on the couch in the living room...I Love my puppy..

anyways.....college is ok I guess.....nothing really much to it...

that's all I have for now...I must return to whatever it was I was doing...ciao

In the Shadow of the Valley of Death-MM

I miss him.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY everyone!

even though it's an over-rated Hallmark Holiday.....

who is to blame?

ME

I ruin EVERYTHING...everything bad that has happened to me...no one elses fault but mine...I've been selfish the whole time believing that I was not to blame...I am...I am the one to blame for fucking everything up..

I was told by someone today that I love to be miserable..that I don't want to be happy...that I don't even want to smile..

is this true? do I love misery? am I capable of being happy?

I'm just a fuck up....

It's my turn

I give up...I must let him go...I knew it couldn't work anyways....I just need to let everything go...I hold all of these things in my mind, and I'm so sick of putting my self through so much pain....all because of what? because people are ass holes? no....I will not feel like shit because someone else treats me like shit....if someone feels the need to treat me in that kind of a way, then you're not worth my fucking time...

I have never done anything bad to ANYONE but MYSELF...I will never have enough ignorance to hurt someone let alone in the way that I have been hurt..

Mario says he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but yet he has done all of these horrible things to me...and says all these horrible things...If I meant anything...ANYTHING to him he wouldn't say any of that...or do what he has done!

I gacve him everything I had...my trust..my love..my heart...everything...I gave you $1200 so you could pay fees....when I needed that money...I took that money out with a loan...and now you threaten me and tell me you wont pay me back? FUCK YOU..

Look at how ignorant people are anymore...they do everything for themselves and NOTHING for everyone else...

I have nothing to say to people like that..I'm not wasting my breath on them...not anymore...

I'm DONE....I'm done wasting my time...my life...my energy...everything on people like that..

I need to concentrate on school...on enjoying life...on doing good....on being happy...

It's my turn to do something for myself....I'm always worried about other people and helping them...not once have I helped myself!

RELEASE

Here I am...in my apartment listening to the foo fighters very loudly....trying to file my taxes.....what a pain in the ass...at 4 o'clock I have a test that is scheduled at the Computer based testing center....is it really coming to the point where it's too hard to use a pencil and write on paper? I mean if there were doing the CBT thing for economic reasons such as using less paper and not killing so many trees....but that's not their intentions...I honestly don't know what their intentions are...

anyways...my plan for today is to take my dog and introduce him to a bunch of other dogs around here....it sounds really lame I know...but I met these awesome pit bulls through my friend...and I think my dog could use a little interaction with other dogs...it's nice to be around your own species every now and then lol..

so life is still pretty stressful for me...it's not only college, but it's everything...it's living in this apartment with Cory...and trying to figure out my relationship with everyone....Cory is just a good friend and that's why I moved in with him...but he tells me these little things that make it sound like he likes me...I don't want that to happen...and now one of his friends just told me the other day that he likes me...

I can't take it anymore...I'm so sick of things getting crazy...I'm technically in a relationship that I've been in for three years...well I'm supposed to be....I don't know what's going to happen with it....I don't feel the same about things anymore..

He acts like the male is meant to be dominant...sure whatever...maybe the male is SOMETIMES more dominant just because of their physical strength...but fuck you....if we're in a "Relationship" and you tell me that you're dominant and I should be submissive and that I don't have the right to do whatever...then all I can say is FUCK YOU....

I WILL NOT be in a relationship where the other person doesn't see us as equal......I AM NOT submissive...and never will be.

You shouldn't have to try to dominate me...I should WANT to do things for you....just because I want to do things for you does not make me submissive...I'm doing it of my own free will because I want to.

Maybe I just shouldn't be in a relationship....


But I do know that I need something more out of life that I don't have right now...I'm not exactly sure what that is...maybe someone I can talk to...someone who will be here for me...something..

I always feel so alone...and I don't tell anyone anything...I hide it all...keep it a secret...

I don't want to keep everything inside...it has to be released

TAKE ME AWAY

RAEL-

I fucking hate you....you made my life a living hell...you broke me...you're the reason I am who I am today...you made me hate people...you made me hate myself....you made me question everything and everyone...you took away the good part of me...you made me give up so much...I gave you so much...

and what did I get in return?

abuse...heartbreak..

I HATE YOU..

I've never hated anyone as much as I hate you...never in my life will I remember something as much as I remember our time spent together..


I used to believe in so much...I used to be a nice person...I used to enjoy life...I used to be happy...I used to appreciate things....but now...now I'll never be the same...never again will I be the real me..

I can't be the same anymore...and it sucks because so many people are missing out on who I used to be..

I try to be that person I once was, but then I remember all of the things he did and I realize that I can't trust people...I can't believe anything...

:(

I wish I could forget all of it...it's been about 6 years now...and I can't forget it...

ANYWAYS....ughh

I went to the clinic at the University yesterday...got me some Flexeril (Cyclobenzaprine)

doesn't work worth shit...in fact it just makes me pass out...that's all...whoever came up with the idea that this relaxes your muscles is full of shit...in fact it's a tricyclic and was used for depression and whatnot...so why is it prescribed for muscle spasms?

God I HATE college life...I look out my window and watch all these kids partying...I don't want to be in that position..I don't want to go to random parties...play beer pong or do stupid shit....I like to drink nice mixed drinks and drink socially at gatherings or bon fires or whatever...I find most college students are really annoying and obnoxious and not too mention slutty...ewww

how can you even be like that? why?

I've never understood any of this..

anyways...not much else going on in life right now...I just want to disappear...

STILL...

ughhh...permanent vacation please?

take me away

2 bottles of liquor on the wall.

I'm sitting in my own living room right now and I don't seem to know anyone that is sitting in my living room...it's not like 15 random people in my living room is unusual....because not having random unknown people in my living room is unusual...Mario and I had a really big fight. I really miss him...and I love him so much...I don't know why I've been so crazy...but all of these feelings and emotions are built up inside of me and I guess it's time to just explode them out of me. I LOVE Mario with all of my fucking heart...I love him soooooooooooooooooo fucking much. why do we have to fight....why????? why the fuck do we have to fight? I Love you mario.....you don't even read these blogs and I Love You...I just want to let you know if by chance you ever come across these...

I have always love you...I will always love you...you are the one for me and you mean everything to me in the whole world....

I want to be with you...I want everything from you, and I want to be able to give you everything as well....

What am I doing with my life right now? I really don't know what life has in store for me.....I have no clue what's going to happen after right now...what should I do? I'm trying to get a job but this fucking piece of shit economy is not working out in my favor......

my life fucking sucks soooooooo fucking bad....I need some fucking liquor right now....some liquor in my system...actually not some...more like a whole bottle...hell lets go overboard....2 bottles....