light at the end of the tunnel

supposedly...we;re going to work on our relationship...I don't exactly know how...but that's what were going to do...I guess I'm happy that he wants it to work...I'm pretty sure I'm happy about it...a little bit confused as to HOW it's going to work....so I got the loan...I'm going back to college...I'm excited..not only that but I'll have money to spare and I'll finally be able to get a car....things are getting better...my major is now pre-pharmacy...I think I'll enjoy that very much...reminds me of Alchemy in a way...I think I'll be very good at it...I love learning the compounds and chemicals and whatnot of different types of medications and how they break down and extractions and how they react when combinded with other meds..I don't know...believe it or not, it is a very interesting field...not to mention it is in HIGH demand..and they make a great amount of money...I'd be satisfied with a career as a pharmacist...I mean...I can always do other stuff on the side...

I can do whatever I want to do I guess...I hope things don't fall apart again...I mean...I still have problems...but some of them are starting to clear up...I never thought they would...

all I need to do now...is obtain the happiness that I've been looking for for so long...once I achieve that, nothing will be in my way. everything will be good.

I haven't been optimistic for the longest time....I'm glad that I can realize when my life lacks a little optimism...I'm always so pessimistic about things....I've been searching for the light at the end of the tunnel....but sometimes....sometimes you have to make your own light...

this is for you

Love is such a fucking lie...how could I fall for something so fucking stupid and fake...it was NEVER real...no one loved me....LOVE IS A FUCKING LIE.

I put all of my heart and my soul into loving someone...I waste so much of my time trying and trying feeling like a fucking retard begging him to stay and begging him not to leave me...why should I be the one begging? if he wanted to leave in the first place, then he never loved me. you can't love someone and then leave them all alone out of nowhere and not even fucking tell them what's going on because you're an ignorant inconsiderate ASS HOLE!

do you think I was fucking lying when I said I Love You and that I was in love with you and that you meant everything to me and that I wanted to marry you?

HOW CAN SOMEONE LIE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT??

I just wanted this to work....I feel so much more dead inside now...I can't steer clear of wanting to do drugs and getting absolutely shit faced...I just keep trying to do more and more and more all at once so maybe something will happen to me...maybe I'll overdose and degydrate and I'll pass out...maybe something really bad will happen....I don't fucking care anymore...no one else does why should I?

I wasn't put on this fucking planet to be miserable and feel like shit....and I can't fucking handle it anymore..

sometimes I want to kill myself in the bloodiest way so that the people that I have loved that have hurt me see the damage they've caused to me...

I want to kill myself right in front of you Mario!! I want you to see me tear myself apart and bleed..I want you to see me cry while I'm doing it...I want you to hear me tell you that I still love you on the verge of death..

I hate my life..

cheers

his name is Mario..he told me he loved me,and I believed him...but he did not mean it...he couldn't have...he says he did...but the way he treats me...I must be trash...he used to treat me like...well...it was amazing...I was very much so in love..I loved himmore than anything else in the world. I was his completely..he had all of me...every single thing....I was never good enough..he wanted more...

his life is falling apart...so I guess I must be to blame?as ifmyown life hasn't beenfalling to pieces slowly over the years...I must go through even more heartbreak....and this seems to be the worst of it all.

I really love this person...I would do anything for him...but I must not be good enough to get that in return...

I don't know what I feel right now...but I know I'm thinking bad thoughts....I know what I'm thinking about doing...but I don't even care anymore...I've only been putting it off hoping that my life would amount to something more..

I thought that this person that I loved was going to play a great part in my life...and I wanted him to..

but he had other plans..

I told him that I hate him..I'm so angry and hurt that I believe it is true...but I can't stop the tears from coming down my face because I know how much I loved him..

Does love mean nothin anymore? is it something that can be played around with...what do those words mean to people?

I have a bottle of vodka sitting next to me and it's only 8 in the morning...

I lost him...

he left..

and now I hate him..

ANGER

I'm a fucking failure at life. I have no one to fucking blame but myself. Everything I've done is wrong. I wouldn't be having financial problems with college if I would have just gotten good grades....but I couldn't get good grades in High School because I had too many personal problems that I had to deal with all by myself. No one fucking knew about the shit I had to deal with. I kept it a secret so no one else had to deal with what I had to fucking deal with, because it was a pain in my fucking ass.

I didn't have anyone that gave a shit about me...they acted like they fucking cared...but in the long run they would throw me in the fucking river if they needed to. I never meant anything to anyone.

Not only did I have personal problems that steered me away from my work, but I had excruciating back pain that wasn't helped with narcotics...I went through that pain for four fucking years until I finally had surgery after years of bitching during my senior year which was a very important year for me. I didn't go to prom....homecoming...nothing...I couldn't even understand math later that year because I missed so much while I was out recooperating from my surgery.

all of that pain both physical and emotional made it really fucking hard to concentrate on something as stupid as the school work that was given to us.

I just fucking turned 18 in September...I graduated High School alive surprisingly let alone graduating period.....I graduated when I was 17 and then went away to work all summer 3 hours away from where I lived because It was residential and I don't have a car to get a closer job to home and I can't get a job in our town and walk because our town has no jobs it's a tiny villiage with about 1,000 people. so my only option I had was to go 3 hours away and live there after graduation...I was going to save that money for a car for college in the fall but I had to buy things such as food, and rent at the place I worked...and they only paid minimum wage. So it was a little fucking hard saving.

right after I left work in summer I was enrolled to go to college an hour and a half away with no fucking car or money all by myself. That's right I took out thousands of dollars in loans to live at college because I don't have a car to commute....not only did I go to college and take out all those loans but I got a job there that I had to walk to in downtown Akron which isn't the greatest of all places. So I've walked through rain storms and snow storms just fora shitty minimum wage 10 hour a week job.

And now....I can't get any more loans to go back to college next semester and I still owe fees from last. So I have a hold on my enrollment which prevents me from enrolling there or anywhere for that matter because they hold your transcripts.

So I have no job anymore....I'm living at my dads...I can't go back to college....I have no money...I'm in future debt, and I fucking hate my life.

Not only that but my boyfriend of three years that I Loved very much and I broke up...

ummm.....my dog at my mothers house...which is my dog is currently living outside in the freezing northeast ohio ashtabula countys cold frigid winter conditions because she is a lazy bitch and can't take care of him from the inside. My dog that I love so much is going to die because he's going to freeze to death because he is an american bulldog purebreed.

He is not made for the fucking snow....but I can't take him because I have no place. I live at my dads now and they have two dogs and my mom isn't living at home shes living at my grandmas house because our house is a mess and my grandma is recovering from a bad fall at a resdiential rehabilitaional center....so our house is empty and getting broken into because no one is staying there, and my dog is there alone. I can't get rid of him because I want him so bad when and if I ever do get a place.

Go ahead and ask what else is wrong? I have a gastro-intestinal infection that makes me sick to my stomach everyday that I haven't gotten checked out because I've had no time, money or a way to get to the fucking doctors...

oh theres much much more but why keep bitching..not like I'm a drug addict or an alcoholic...

why would I do any of those fucking things..

going down

I honestly wish I were a drug fiend or a criminal or something. If I were than I would have a legitimate excuse to hate life....according to society that is...but even then it's still that persons problem. in certain aspects sure. but sometimes it's other people that make people go crazy...you fuckers are intimidating..pardon my language..

so I'm not going to college next semester because I owe fees...I have no money and I can't take out loans because I keep getting denied...oh...also my job gives me five fucking hours a week...I have no car...I'm fucking cursed!

shit just seems to get worse and worse...as soon as I think it can't get worse it fucking does, and it pops out of fucking no where...next I'm going to find out my dog died..oh man if that happened some fucked would die...

I could not bare the loss of my dog...he's my baby

so what are my options now that everything is fucking me over? any one have any ideas? should I rob a bank? JOKING that would be fucking stupid...need to go somewhere like a boutique or something...a private ownership...much less conspicuous

no...seriously...I'mjust kidding..I'm not doing that..I just think it's funny how people in shitty situations participate in more crime....it's Sociology...that was my major...I was pre-law...but can I go on with that anymore? nope...of course I can't.

my dreams and goals are fucking ruined...

anyways I should be falling asleep I need to wake up too early to move out of my dorm and move back home with my dad....

don't even get me started on out relationship....this is so awkward living there now..ughhh

right or left?

I'm a horrible person....I really really am...that's all there is to say about me...I'm horrible..

I really hate all of the options in this fucking world...it's not that fact that it's because I can't make a decision...it's because I don't know how to get to the point to where I need to make the decision...There's so many things I want in life, and I don't know how to get them. It's really depressing..I don't know what to do.

I just want things to work, I don't want to have to always be worrying about everything. I've always had to worry about something...I hate it..

I don't know where to go....do I choose the right or the left path? do I create my own? what do I do? where do I go? how do I do all of this? what's my motivation? what's my reward? what's the punishment? what? what? what?

It's so hard to be starting my life out on my own with no help, no guidance, no opinions...no support..

I just wish I had some support..I wish I had someone that understood me at all..

Maybe I will soon..
I don't know..

these three words

I hate everyone! I hate every piece of shit on this planet. fuck everyone...pieces of fucking scum that's what they are....how can someone tell someone else that they love them and then turn around and hurt them? how does someone do that? why?

first of all I don't tell anyone I Love them unless I absolutely mean it...and notonly that but love is special and sacred to me...no one gets my love unless you're really special.

when I tell someone I love them and that I'm in love with them (speaking in an intimate relationship sense) I mean it, it is no lie. I am willing to do anything for that person...my goal is to make them happy...to love them..

but what do I get in return? an I love you? those words don't even seem important anymore..

I wrote this several years ago..

These three words I want to say,
but I can't stand another day.
You're too close it's killing me
when once you said that you loved me.
Now nothing but a memory
I will clearly start to see
that maybe we weren't meant to be
and that you weren't the right one for me.
"I Love You" was not a phrase
it was said in a special way,
that was only meant for you to hear
throughout my most remembered year.
My three words I said to you,
was not a phrase, but it was true.
"I Love You" what once was said..
is now a phrase, the love is dead.

I believe I wrote that the very first time my heart was broke by someone who lied to me. He told me he loved me for years, and it was a lie.

I have never written anything after that which was quite a few years ago. I feel like I've lost any and all ability to write anything at all. It really sucks because I have so many things I've written, but they were all from then. I can't even draw anymore.

I've lost every ability I've ever had. No wonder no one would want to stay with me. They leave when they're bored.

I try and I try but I can't make anyone happy...I can make people smile and laugh, but only for a moment...why can't they stay happy? I don't care so much about my happiness when I'm in a relationship...I'm not greedy, I want the other person to be happy. I want to make them happy.

But I haven't accomplished that.

I've given up, and now I'm ready to destroy myself.

Is this how it's supposed to be?

one of these days I promise I wont be here any longer..you can go ahead and criticize me all you want....but I don't fucking belong here...I want to kill everyone...I want to just kill people...I'm fucking miserable...I don't think I'm capable of ever being happy...

what am I waiting for? I keep waiting and waiting...I keep thinking to myself...this isn't normal to feel this way...it's not right...am I crazy? am I insane? why do I feel this way?

was my life that bad? was symbolizing I'm lifeless now..it doesn't even matter what happens to me...

I don't care..

I feel absolutely horrible for feeling this way because no one knows..I honestly wish that someone did know...that way maybe there would be some kind of help...but I don't think there ever can be help for the way I feel.

honestly...I have this dying feeling inside...my stomach it's always uneasy...always unsettled..it rumbles...it shakes...it jitters..it growls...I feel like it's always empty...so I think I'm hungry...but the "hunger" is never fulfilled...it's not hunger for food...it's something else...and I don't know how to fulfill it..I've been trying to figure it out for the longest time.

I don't look like a wreck...I don't look like I feel the way I do.....but I am a wreck and I do feel the way that I do.

I could be walking through the busiest place in the world...and I could still feel alone...I could be surrounded with many people I know...all of them talking to me...and I still feel alone, empty and meaningless?

I don't know how life is supposed to be...because apparently I have a different life than most, but is it supposed to be like this? are you supposed to be so lost and confused? are you supposedto be consumed by a scary feeling?

I'm fucking scared...I'll admit it...because I'm in a scary place all alone...my mind is in a scary fucking place, and it wont leave..

I need a LONG vacation