Love isn't necessary

so what's so great about a threesome again? I mean I understand why guys want a threesome...because that means that they get to bang two chicks...but for the girls in the situation...they only get one guy...what kind of shit is that?

that's not fair...why not make it a fucking orgy and invite everyone...then it'll be a lot better....a few bottles and a whole lot of sex...see...thing is I've never done that...never wanted to do that...never seemed too amusing to me..

but boy have I had the offers..but seriously come on...there's a lot of nasty ass people in this world....nasty disgusting disease infested skanks and ass holes..

why would I want to get an std? just because most can be cured with a shot of some sort? fuck that shit...I rather cut my head off than be a nasty disease infested fruit loop....ewww....I have pride saying that I don't do shit like that...you know why? because I'm one of the few...I'm rare...not many people have morals or commonsense these days....

COMMONSENSE is a necessity to live well and to be smart....it's fucking ridiculous how many people don't acquire commonsense

maybe I'm wrong...maybe it's just part of our "primal" instincts or something....sex? primal? I thought reproduction was primal? which one is it?

Love isn't necessary...so why do I even bother trying to acquire that...I should be out finding a cure to cancer...or stupidity for that matter...stupidity is what causes cancer..

I don't need Love...I don't need to love or to be loved...

sure I WANTED it...but I don't anymore...I don't want any of it...it leads to dispair and heartache..

I know for a damn fact that everyone is a liar...a hypocrite...and a fake in some sort of way....if you say you're not then you're already one of those things...a LIAR..

everyone looks for something else...no one is ever satisfied...there's always something bigger and better to people...

I'm not the greatest thing in this world....I don't have everything to offer...there's better than me...so why would someone want to settle for less? they don't....they go out and find what's better...they look for it even if they don't know that they're looking for it...there's no way that someone can be satisfied with something that isn't the best.

someone may say that they love me and that they want to be with me...but it wont always be that way...they will grow old or tired of the same old thing...they'll want something else...maybe a brunette...maybe someone with bigger tits...maybe a blue eyed girl...there's so many different options..

somewhere down the road you have to stop and take a serious look at everything...is it worth it to put so much heart and effort into something that's just going to fall apart?

I need to stop being so serious...I need to stop trying to make things last forever and I need to let shit happen...I can't prevent everything..

College isn't worth it

you notice how some songs by Incubus absolutely rock and then the rest absolutely suck? well one song will be amazing like wish you were here, anna molly, drive...but then they have their shitty ass songs like dig and earth to bella..

I didn't come on here to rat on Incubus...they have more talent than most I presume..maybe not..maybe it's all a show..I guess anyone could sing with a shit load of money...I mean Paris Hilton did come out with an album right? there's no way that broad can sing...

so my life is absolutely BORING right now...I was going to say uneventful...but that's a lie it is very eventful...just not in a good way...

you know who always rocks? the foo fighters...that's right...they rock..I'm digging their newer song Let it Die...I don't know I just like their melody and the tone of their voices...not too mention the lyrics are usually pretty sweet in most of their songs.

im just sitting here listening to music....and I'm starting to rot in this fucking room...I HATE it...sometimes I wish I could just go for a walk and get mugged or something...then maybe my family would realize this isn't a good place and I'd go back home...

people think that they have shitty lives, well imagine being stuck in a tiny ass room living with a person you don't know that's complete opposite of you, and you don't have a car, no money, and no one to talk to....that's shitty...I rather be somewhere else struggling to pay bills and just barely making it...because I know as soon as I get the fuck out of here my god damn education isn't going to be worth the fucking ridiculous loans that I've taken out, and the interest rate that those ignorant bastards put on it....WHAT THE FUCK....it's not worth it...

they say oh it's so worth it....but no it's not!! don't listen to anyone!! they're a bunch of liars!! it's not worth it!! my high school english teacher that's past middle 50's says he's still paying off his loans!!! I don't want to be like that...but from not even a whole year of college I've already fucked myself over...thanks mom and dad!

I'm about ready to sell my plasma....my blood...my eggs...my ovaries...my fucking whatever...

I'm just going to become a god damn nomad...how about that? or a hippy....a hobo...

I wish I were an animal...

make a wish

9 o'clock on a Saturday night....what am I doing? sitting in my dorm room....alone.

funny how the old Brittany would never have just sat around by herself and did absolutely nothing..

but a lot has changed...now I have no where to go...no one to spend time with...nothing to do..

I can't go for walks to the park to sit on the pic nic tables and relax...or go jogging on the trails in the woods...I'm in Akron now...and there's nowhere to go...no park..no woods...no safety if there were those things..

why did I come here? oh yeah...I didn't think anything through..

ughhh...I want to play scrabble...but what's the use when I will just play alone? I want to converse but I have no one to talk to so I sit here and write these useless blogs...I still don't get the same satisfaction as I do when I talk to a person that is actually here..but I don't have that so I have to compromise...

I don't even want to eat anymore...

it's so weird...I remember when I lived at home I would cook all the time when people came over....muffins...cookies..cakes...stir frys...dinners...breakfast...anything...but I would never cook if I were alone..I only wanted to eat if I had company..

it's not that I can't be alone...I don't want to be..I hate it...everything I do alone feels meaningless..b/c why am I doing it? for myself? that isn't good enough...

so weird that I take care of others better than myself.

soon I will be gone from Akron forever..

and I will start my journey all over again...hopefully it's right this time...I can't keep starting over..

You only get so many chances..you only have so much money..

anxiety

my life is getting more and more complicated...the worse part...I'm completely ignoring it and pretending like it isn't happening...its kind of helpong until i get confronted by it sooner or later when I'm not expecting it.....

you know what else is funny...I'm sick...and I don't know what I have or what's wrong with me...but I don't have a car...I don't have a doctor...I don't have money...I don't have time...I am a poor, unhappy, sick college student.. It's kind of amusing sometimes...what else could be wrong..

oh wait...I shouldn't say that...that's asking for trouble right...I wish there was a place to escape to...somewhere to go...someone to go to...I feel like I need to disappear....but I can't...I don't mean like shoot myself disappear...I mean like go on a vacation...or go home...or take a break...figure my life out...

I was rushed into college...I felt like I had no other choice...I hated my house..I hated my mom..I hated my life...I thought that maybe getting out and trying to accomplish my goals would be better for me...but I had no car so I couldn't commute...no house so I had to live on campus....and no money so I took out a shit load of loans....

and I've been so unhappy...terribly unhappy here that I've done poorly...and I've failed...I'm a failure...

I just wish I could have had time to have figured it out thouroughly and made sure I'd be happy and that's what I wanted....but I worked the whole summer...lived at work...worked 60 hours a week with only one day off..i left for work the day after my high school graduation...no rest...no thought...no preparing....school...graduate...work...and school again but now im doing school and work....I've already had the back surgery...now what's next? what's my next medical problem...it looks at if history is repeating itself....funny how that works...

I'm guessing no one wants to hide me in their closet or under their bed.....I just need some peace...some space...some time....

I'm so sick of stress...maybe that's making me sick...maybe that's why I can't sleep...maybe that's why I'm fucking crazy..

But I need a god damn break here....just a little one...I've had too much stress...and knowing my luck I'll have a heart attack

I'm tired....

anyways

sleep?

CRAZY (we've established this)

ok good news is....we already know that I'm crazy....now the thing is....bad crazy? good crazy? crazy crazy? clinically insane crazy? hmmm....the world will never know...good thing I don't see a shrink...that would be great...although they couldn't diagnose me with anything...I am perfectly sane...I just have strange points of views...nothing wrong with that...

haha...I am perfectly normal.

what is normal again?

anyways...had the whole weekend off from work...went home to the middle of nowhere to relax from this shitty city and all of this stress....did it work? did I relax? hmmm yes...but when it was time to eventually come back it was sad...I didn't want to...who knew Brittany could be home sick? I honestly didn't think it was possible...

well actually not home sick...I don't have a "home" I just have places to stay at I guess....

Does anyone want an american bulldog? yes...my cute adorable puppy that I LOVE so much...he needs a home...my mother is incapable of taking care of another living being...and even though I want that dog so bad...I live in a fucking dorm...yes that's right....a BOX.

so even though I don't want to let him go...it's better than letting him suffer...believe it or not...I have a heart...unfortunately.

actually when I do come home for the little time I can (once a month it seems)...everytime I see him I cry...because I feel like I've abandoned him...he's a dog...I know...but he wasn't even mine but he became mine over time...and he would follow me everywhere...I've had a rought past 5 years or so....and everytime I would cry or I'd be sick...or whatever he would know...I would cry and cry and he would come up to me and put his nose up to my face and under my arms...or I'd be on the floor so upset and he's just try to lick my face....when I burnt myself on the oven baking cookies for a bunch of stoners (I am a virgo I'm a nurturing crazy gentle hearted fruit loop) anyways...I burnt my arm so bad...and it scarred up....well a week or two after that when the scar was a long 6 inch scab...my dog came up to me...put his face to my arm and used his teeth to peel off the scab...and then licked my wound.. it was so weird....and it healed perfect...no scar..how did he know? why did he do that? it amazed me..

I actually LOVE that dog...things like this that saddens me...I Love a dog...so much..is that weird? I couldn't take him to college with me...I live in a dorm...and now he has no one..why am I getting so upset about a dog? I don't know...maybe because he truly cared...sure he couldn't talk back to me and shit...but he knew..

amazing...

I'm honestly just a sad sad person...I try not to dampen peoples days...I just act "normal"...try..

I feel like I have no one...my family doesn't know me at all...they don't know what I've gone through...and I wish they did..I wish I could tell them how bad their daughter, their grand daughter, their sister really is..

Is feeling so down all the time an illness? is it...because I've never believe in that...I've never believed in being diagnosed with depression or any of that shit..they told me I was depressed when I was 13...but how did they know?

they gave me pills....a fucking pill...was that going to change anything? at 13 I sat and thought a pill can't change anything I am what I am...it will be there whether or not I take the pill..honestly what kind of 13 yr old just thinks weird shit like that...I thought that people thought they felt better after they took the pills because they were told that they would feel better...I've always believed it was psychological...all in your mind..

anyways...I'm rambling...there's a reason for that..but I wont discuss that.

If I....

if I had a fucking gun right now I would honestly shoot myself in the fucking head...why? because I fucking want to...not because I'm psycho or depressed or whatever the fuck other peoples excuses are...I just don't want to fucking live...why is it that no one believes that that is the real reason...they're always like I'm sorry what happened? did you fail a test? did your boyfriend break up with you? did your dog die? NO BITCH I JUST HATE THIS FUCKING PLANET...

seriously there is no other fucking excuse...I fucking hate people...I hate them all...I really do...I give up and I'm not even trying to find the good ones anymore..I just fucking hate them all...

there are no good people...none!!

we all fuck each other, we all hope to see someone else hurt, or to hurt someone else...we all have hatred towards someone or something, we're all hypocritical...we're all liars.....we are all what we say we're not!

at least I can fucking see the truth..

*in a sky full of people only some want to fly...isn't that crazy?*

it is crazy!! what the fuck is wrong with you people!!

SCRABBLE

so today is Tuesday...I have no classes...thank god....I'm starting to lose interest in going to classes..only because they're not challenging enough...don't you see that the only way I'm going to be interested is if it's challenging me? it has to be something that sparks my interest...something I don't know...I already know that men out power women...I already know where commas and apostrophes go...I know the basics of being a good public speaker...I mean...seriously...I learned more in 8th grade..maybe even 6th grade...isn't that bad? Come on...challenge me..

anyways it's so cold outside...I didn't know today was Veterans day....I was going to the bank...and guess what? it was CLOSED

oh well....it's okay...I'll get it tomorrow...

anyways...I bought myself some Scrabble!! I'm sooooo excited....except I don't have anyone to play with yet...

yet

scrabble is the greatest game ever invented..

A Pill..

those are all pictures of my eyes...crazy isn't it?

I don't know what's wrong with me....why are people constantly compelled to break my heart.. is it fun? I wouldn't know...I've never done that to someone..

I'm here...crying alone in my fucking dorm room...I hate this place...but the weekends are the only time I can cry in peace....I hold all of the tears from throughout the week and shed them when my room mate goes home..

I feel crazy....because I had a bad experience with the first person I was ever with...he lied to me for 2 years about who he was...everything about him was not real..he would look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me...but then he abandoned me out of the blue and was never to be found again...it hurt a lot...I didn't think I could trust again...who could...I lost a lot for him..

Now...a person that's supposed to love me as well tells me I'm not the one for him anymore....he can ignore me for days....and not want a thing to do with me....

is that normal? is that normal to not WANT to talk or be with the one you love? to have absolutely no need or desire? maybe he didn't love me from the start after all..


This may sound crazy....but if you knew my situation, and you were in it...it wouldn't be..

sometimes...I just want to sleep everything away, if I can't sleep...I want to get fucked up....from anything possible...even if it means taking a bottle or two of something that needs that much potency to knock you out for a few hours...I look around me...and I have nothing that would alter reality for a little bit...not one god damn thing...because I've used it all up...

what I'm talking about is pain pills...I've been on those and muscle relaxers and anti inflamatorys since I was 13...

why not take advantage of them...it's not like they work for my real pain...they can't...pain pills TRY to send a signal to your brain that you're not in pain anymore...my problem is that my brain knows...and can't be fooled...

I'm not a "druggie" or whatever you would call a person of that nature...

I can just see how certain things CAN be good for you.....I've done plenty of things...and some experienced were bad...some were good..it's all what you make up...now if you go around shooting up heroin...then you're a fucking retard...well...shooting up anything...it's stupid...I will NEVER do that. unless it's the lethal injection..

*sings*
a pill to make you numb...a pill to make you dumb...a pill to make you anybody else....all the drugs in this world...wont save her from herself....

it's true...they wont...I've tried..


my life is fucking miserable because people go out of their fucking way to hurt me...what the fuck have I ever done? what what did I fucking do? I don't know what it is...and what I do...it'll never ever be good enough....I go to fucking college all by my fucking self in an unknown fucking place with no help from anyone...no fucking money but millions of fucking loans...no car...nothing..I walk to work every fucking day...I walk to classes...if I need to go somewhere....I fucking walk...

I hope something tragic happens to me today..is that bad? no...because I have nothing to show for everything I've done and everything I've gone through....I have nothing to look forward to...to what? a fucking good paying job IF that would be the case? oooohh...work....just what I want to do for the rest of my life...I can never be in another relationship...I can't...

fuck...what's left?

Favorite Fruit

This was my walk to work today....in the cold rain...wasn't that bad...I'm crazy...I Love the rain...I Love storms more...the thunder and lightning...mmm...amazing..

did I ever mention I hate kid rock? well....I do..

so today was ok...work was so long...and I have to go back tomorrow...it really sucks the life out of me...I wish there was something that made me want to actually STAY at work...but nope...don't have one yet...

the people I work with are all very very nice people...courteous...polite..and generous....I found out peoples favorite fruit...I know I'm weird...but I Love fruit so I ask everyone what their favorite is...mine is Pineapple...then strawberries...then mango...then peaches..then plums...then blueberries...then grapefruit...then oranges then lemons then kiwi...and well...every fruit lol..

I have pineapple lotion....orange mandarin body mist...pomegranate fig body wash... berry blossom deodorant..lol...can't help it..

anyways its two in morning...and ummmm im tired as fuck......whats your favorite fruit? let me know..

misery of routine

i look so lifeless

I seem to have lost track of time....I don't know where it went. nor do I fucking care..my father was supposed to come to Alron today to come see me....I was really excited...and I don't even know why.....but go figure...he didn't come or even call to cancel...I'm really disappointed actually...I thought that I could show him my dorm...show him where I work.....talk about school, how I'm doing...why I don't want to attend this school next year....why I feel like I'm dying everyday...

I feel so smothered....I feel like I'm suffocating...it's not the kind of suffocating from too much attention and whatnot...but it's suffocation from not wanting to be where I'm at...I'm just starting out life...well...I'm supposed to be just starting out anyways...I mean I've always done what I've needed to do with no ones help anyways..

I hate my life and where it's at right now....I'm a full time student with a full time job supporting myself...but I hate living in a tiny dorm...I hate this city...the smell...the look...the people..

I hate all of the concrete....the architecture of the buildings..

I look around...I observe people...and they're so fucking stupid....it's embarrassing..

I....I'm all alone...It's not that I don't want to be alone...it's just that I guess it's hard to live without communication....in fact...it's impossible...look at cast away....that guy had to survive by talking to a volley ball that he "ironically" named Wilson....everyone needs communication..

I don't fucking care how tough you are....you need some sort of communication with something or someone...

I want conversation....I want to speak with intelligent people...I want to be missed...to be enjoyed...I don't know...call me human..

I've been told I'm crazy...actually every single person I meet ends up at some point in time calling me crazy...I like a certain craziness I posess...but the other part...the thoughts I have...I hate it..

It's not like I hear voices and shit...none of that nonsense....but I want to constantly learn...to talk...to converse...to share..to educate..always listen to music...to feel certain things...

sometimes I think that I feel and think differently than others...I take a whiff of the air around me and sometimes it's very intoxicating...sometimes in a good way...sometimes in a bad way...but sometimes that's all I need to make my day..the smell of the autumn air...the fresh crisp leaves....the moistness...I don't know...it makes me happy?

It's hard to say that I'm happy...I don't feel happy...I feel miserable...discontent...and heavy...

I've also been told that I can bring smiles...and make people laugh...that I bring them pleasure...of course I want to do that....why should anyone else feel misery? I'm sure they don't think and feel the way that I do...once again...call me crazy


I'm so sick of routine...waking up at 6 am...going to classes...eating lunch...work out...take shower...go to work get home at 1 am sometimes 2...TRY to fall asleep and wake up at 6 am again...

I'm not satisfied with any of it...and I feel horrible because I'll regret it forever with the loans I've taken out, not to mention the disappointment I feel towards myself..this has always been my dream...my "Escape" but it's not that at all..

anyways...I'm routinely following my schedule today like I always do....I can't just live for the moment...where would that get me? the streets? I have a place to live because I stay at a dorm that I pay a ridiculous price for because it's mandatory for firt year students...

time to shower.....get dressed..and off to work I go.

(I still miss my dog...I'm sure he misses me...I hope he doesn't think I've abandoned him)

Weird

maybe everything will be ok....I can be positive right? it's time for a little optimism anyways...it's time for a change..

it's beautiful outside today...the sun is shining...the trees and the leaves look amazing...the reds...yellows...browns...oranges...greens....

I can't wait to leave Akron forever...I don't like it here...it's not alive...

I once thought that I would like the crazy life....bars....clubs...but I don't...I don't like the sluts...the whores...the players....the dirty filthy disgusting people....

I Love music...I love rock..I love metal...I love techno, trance, industrial and some occasional rap...I Love the 70's...the 90's...love songs...

I love loud music...I love tattoos and piercings and colored hair...my favoriate color is black...

the average person would look at me and automatically judge me...she's a goody goody...she's a prep....she only knows what she's taught...she likes pink and listens to pop...she drinks starbucks and loves to go shopping..

I do know what I'm taught...but I teach myself so much more, and know more than what the majority of people know...I love the moon...the stars...the zodiac...astrology...I love to learn about cults and occults....the rosicrucians...the knights temoplar...my favorite thing is Alchemy it's amazing...I love to read about religion.....and mythology...greek...egyptian, norse, sumerian, indian..I study the babylonians, the olmec....

I do drink starbucks...you do get what you pay for...I take good quality any day...

so you may look and judge...but you're not always right...do I look like your typical weirdo? no...but I am...hehe..

I can say I'm weird with pride...only because weird is good to me...unique...