Death

My grandma....I love my grandma....she was and has been such a big part of my life...I'm only 18....I just turned 18 and I've hoped that she would see the day that I would get married and maybe have children...but she seems to be doing worse....everytime I see her she has such high spirits...more than I've had....

sure she has gotten on my nerves....but I Love her...I have a feeling she has gone through a lot more than I know...

I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her...she fell today...and she needs to get surgery...surgery...I went through surgery...and so many people are getting staph infections are they get sick...what if something happens to her...

I'm here at college alone with no car...no money...nothing...

If my grandmother passed away...my mom wouldn't be right..and my brother...my older brother that I care so deeply for wouldn't be okay..

He doesn't know I care so much about him, and that I Love him...but I do..I know what he's feeling...I don't know all that he's going through..but I know how he feels..

he lost his life...he's lost everything...and now he just hides..he feels like he has no one...but I want to tell him he does...I want to tell him that his crazy stupid little sister loves him very much..

why is it that I can't say the things I feel? I can't say anything at all...

I don't know...

I hope she'll be ok..

SEX

Here I am again sitting alone in my dark dorm....sitting at my desk chugging down a glass bottle of starbucks mocha frappucino....you're damn right....starbucks is way over rated..their products aren't that amazing...I've had better...in fact, Borders has better coffee, and frozen beverages...anyways...I'm also eating a kit-kat bar...what's going on with this chocolate fixation I've had lately? It's not like I'm pregnant...maybe it's because it's cold, wet and snowy out....that's right...Northeast Ohio saw its first snow today....not that great..I'm sick of Ohio weather...it's so unpredicatable..one day it's 90 degress and sweltering, and the next day it fucking snows...how ridiculous is that?

My right eye has been twitching for 2 days in a row now...none of my eyes have EVER twitched...ever...it feels like there's a fly in my eye trying to fly out but can't so he's fluttering around...it's driving me crazy! I feel like a mad man!! Isn't that stereotypical? a mad man with a twitchy eye? isn't that usually pretty accurate though lol...just kidding...

I don't know...it just seems like twitchy eyed people are a little more crazy than ummm the less crazy people? although that leads back to the conversation who is crazy and who isn't?

So I came up with the conclusion that a ritual is an unspoken language...symbols are words...and rituals are sentences...symbols make up rituals like words make up sentences...

anyways..my day has completely sucked...first of all it snowed...and then i did shitty on a test...and then I got sick...and it all went down hill from there..AHHHH!!

I don't know what the hell is going on with me but I'm going fucking insane...it's withdrawl from my old ways...which is completely opposite of what I do now...I used to be out everyday with all sorts of people, laugh, play stupid board games, cook, argue about religion lol, attend bonfires..

now...now I'm lifeless...it's ridiculous...I do nothing...talk to no one..see no one...go nowhere ahhh!!

but at least I'm in college right? yeah that's all that matters....NOT

I hate college!!!

It's so much worse than what I thought it would be..it's not challenging enough..it's elementary...it's all common knowledge...all they want you to learn is fancy vocabulary...where the hell is that going to get you??

You need skills...or talent..something..not a book full of useless big words..


anyways...Alura just totally distracted me!! why does my best friend have to live in Kentucky?? we have KFC up here....haha kidding...

no really...why?

It sucks...as if I didn't know long distance relationships don't work...I have to deal with long distance friendships...but honestly it's made our bond even stronger...I wish it would be the same with relationships..but now...there's that whole physical intimacy thing...oh yeah...what is that called? SEX...

god...I'm sorry I have no libido at the moment...but for some foresaken reason..I seem to be the person of interest with medical conditions!! maybe I'm just a big medical experiment...scoliosis...spinal stenosis...herniated discs...hormal inbalances, lightheadedness, arthritis...I just turned 18 for Christs sake! JUST TURNED...I was diagnosed with this shit at 13 years old...what the hell is wrong with me?

I must be old....13 with all this crazy bullshit...ahh my lifespan wont be too long if it keeps going this way...

that's ok..

anyways duty calls....have to finish English paper.

Cold Frigid Day

I find myself scared...scared to hear words that I don't want to hear...I feel as if I'm so broken, that if I hear those words, my world will come crashing down...once again...I never exactly fixed myself after the first crash, but at least I wasn't dead right? I made it all the way here, just to have this thrown at me like the last one...

I look at the sky....it looks so empty...I look at the trees and they seem so dead and bare..I look in the mirror..and I see my youthful look has diminished..I have bags under my eyes, glassy bloodshot eyes, and dry skin....the color of my skin is so much more pale than it has ever been...you can see everything underneath it, the veins, and the blood flowing through.

I'm beginning to feel cold...very cold...my warmness has iced over..

maybe I don't have a heart...maybe that's the sudden feeling of coldness...if I don't have a heart, then how do I feel the way that I do? I don't understand..

Loves Divine

You think I'd be in a mental hospital by now..but no one knows... I'm fine right? I've went through worse...but the hard part about it is that I finally trusted people again..finally...and it wasn't worth it...trusting someone else wasn't worth this torture..you can't just be with someone for years and love that person and have everything based around them, and just have that all disappear...how can people do shit like that..how can you tell someone you love them so much for years and that you want to have a family with that person and then just out of the blue end it all...how?

I want a god damn bottle of something...how pathetic coming from the preacher...here I am good Brittany who preaches about having a life, going to college, doing "good" things...and yet I'm the most messed up one out of them all..I'm a lying hypocrite...but I always wished the best for everyone...I always have...I've tried to help people out...why can't someone help me??

people always tell me things will be fine, but they wont...they wont be fine...people keep stomping me down..

what did I ever do? what what did I do to anyone? I was good once...and now...now I just want to die...my heart hurts so bad...

I'm not meant to be

I don't know why I thought things would be better..I don't know why I thought someone could really truly Love me..I don't know why I expect certain things from people...why do I expect a fantasy related relationship...

why do I expect at all?

Every day of my life...I look at what I have...I look at what's all around me...is it worth it? Is any of this worth the suffering..

My life isn't worth anything...nothing...Ive made no god damn impact on this world...ive made no difference...ive touched no one...i mean nothing to no one..Im a horrible person...

I don't want to keep playing these fucking games...I'm so sick of it...Life is just one big fucking game.

I'm here all alone in Akron, more alone than I was in Orwell..what happens when I'm in trouble? who do I call? who CAN I call? I was so scared last weekend..I thought I was going to die...which is weird...why would I be scared to die...because I don't want to die without saying goodbye to the people I CARE about...I don't know if they care about me...but I care about them..I was all alone...my brain was frying I had a temp of almost 105...two more degress and I would have died...but no one was there for me..

Why should I put my all into everything...and give people all of the love and generosity I have with absolutely nothing in return?

I'm sorry..

This is not my lifetime...I am not meant to be here...I know it...I can feel it..

Life is a Ritual

I don't know why people feel that they have to leave their criticism when it isn't necessary or even wanted. It's really annoying in fact.

So I work tonight...from 5pm to 10pm...not that bad I guess...I hope I don't work Saturday or Sunday...that would really suck, I already know Im working on Halloween...not like Halloween is that big of a deal...at least not to religious people, and if it is they're hypocrites..

I have to write a paper for my English class...its on Language through Ritual...haha what a great topic to give Brittany....anything that could somehow be morphed into talking about Religion is perfect for me...my teacher has no clue how opinionated I can get, but she soon will if she keeps throwing topics like this out to me..

I think I'm going to write about how so many religions are ritualistic...just like the Catholics...is not everything they do ritualistic? It's repeated over and over...what about Christmas tradition? we repeat the same thing year after year. We go to sleep early at night so Santa can come and we wake up super early in the morning wake up mommy and daddy and run to the tree to see how many presents are under it, and then rampage through the packages and open them crazy. After that is when you play with all the new things you got, and then it's time to put them away and clean up so you can have a nice family Christmas dinner....Before Christmas you purchase a tree....ritual....you decorate it....ritual.

Weddings.....ritual...propose....ring.....plan wedding...cake...flowers, white dress, bridesmaids, best man, tux...

what's wrong with a red dress? what? it doesn't represent purity? mostly everyone wearing that white dress is impure...they want to feel special, but in fact they're just like everyone else...

why do people even get married? people didn't marry each other back in the tribal/primal days......they did what they needed to do, and reproduced so they could create a population of people....there was no getting married...no unity...no vows...it's all what we made it....we created something that's special that shouldn't be that great..

how many people get divorced? how many people have been with that one single person that they married? how many people are faithful?

I would LOVE it if people were faithful...but I know...that they aren't...it's a life...I know..you can't be....people are always looking for bigger and better things, theyre always looking to upgrade...not too mention they find comfort in being with other people because of their emotional or mental instability....

I've always believed in being faithful to who you're with...I had this crazy idea in my head that told me everything would be amazing...I'd only have sex with one person, and that person would be the one, and I would marry that person....nothing bad would happen...I wouldn't get deceived or hurt..

what a BIG CROCK OF BULL SHIT!

now...I don't know what to think, of course I still want a person to be faithful to me....but I don't expect much anymore...the more I expect, the more I'm let down...and If I expect nothing, then I can't exactly be too disappointed now can I?

This world is ridiculous...this world IS ritual...everything is repeated...maybe in a different way because we're supposedly constantly upgrading...when all I see is the opposite...

Anyways....think about what rituals you have in your life right now...do you really want to do that everyday for the rest of your life?

Patch Adams

why the fuck does every god damn thing have to be sad to be good? seriously....I'm such an emotional wreck...I cry all the fucking time...I can blame this on hormones...it has to be that...everything in my body is so messed up right now...and the majority of the symptoms relates to hormonal imbalances...

I just got done watching Patch Adams for the first time...that was unbelievably sad...and I watched The Fountain for the first time over the weekend..that was really sad....it's always sad....

Anyways...so I haven't really told many people...but I changed my major to business....It was Sociology so that I could go to Law School.....but I have always been good at business related things...so I decided business...but I don't know if I'll be passionate about business...and since my career will rule the rest of my life, I dont know what the hell to do. what kind of field can I make my major with the weird interests that I have? that will make money of course...I mean sure I could go into philosophy or religious studies but what career could I get from that that is an adequate source of income?

ughhhh tv is addicting...anyways....got stuff to do...I'll catch up soon.

Pink Lemonade

I love it how beverages are called fruit juices, and then you look at the back and states thtat the one you are currently drinking is made with little or no fruit. How the hell is the product supposed to be a fruit juice if it's not made from fruit. Are we really at that point in the world where we have to use fake versions of the real thing? Why do we made different versions...is it cheaper? yes..if Im buying a product such as Lemonade, I expect my drink to made of actual lemons. Isn't that considered false advertising? They're trying to deceive us, and we're buying it. Who cares if it tastes the same, it isn't real...we don't know what we're putting into our bodies, they could be putting chemicals into our bodies that are ruining our health so we end up going to the doctor, maybe they have a bond with the healthcare companies, where if they put things into our drinks that harms our health so we go to the healthcare providers, that the drink company gets a certain amount of money that we spend going to the companies. It's all bull shit. It's ridiculous, and people make fun of the organic eaters, not that we're 100% sure the products are even organic.

anyways I didn't come here to ramble about my pink lemonade haha...

I went to work yesterday...Was supposed to work from 5pm until 1am but i ended up getting out of work early because everyone in this world at this moment are a bunch of cheap bastards....

How am I supposed to live if our world is falling apart? Doesn't this seem like just the start...first our economy fails, and then a war breaks...first among ourselves, then amongst others...and then crime goes up such as theft, and death...so that the poor people that survived the war can steal what they need such as food or clothing, and then it's all over from there.

Who's to say that's not where we're going? I know for damn sure that crime is rising as I speak. The more the economy fails, the more that crime goes up...It's the cycle of life. We're all greedy bastards.

Anyways...I have to finish my speech I have to give tomorrow in my "Effective Oral Communications" class....lets just say it's not very effective at all..

It's on SEXUAL EDUCATION....everyone needs to learn more than what they know...if they did...our damn poulation wouldn't be increasing now would it!


I MISS MY PUPPY!! I Love You Kobe!

Evolution

I love the song Evolution by Korn, and of course love the video...only because this is what I've been telling people FOREVER....and I love Charles Darwin...I'm reading the Origin of Species currently...it's a good book...watch the video it explains how the IQ of the human is decreasing as population increases...it's ridiculous but so true...

at the end of the video....they tempt the monkey....right hand cash....left hand money....generally people would choose the money....and of course the monkey chooses the banana....but which choice was wiser? I think choosing the banana was wiser...what good is cash when food is a necessity to live? money is nothing unless it's backed up with something...even then...it's nothing

I believe that the first civilizations were the smartest people of all...they had to come up with the base of everything we have today. They came up with math, astrology...it's amazing. They were the first to establish communities, and governments, and law. They knew that there would be chaos if there wasn't someone to take charge

I believe in survival of the fittest though....if you aren't strong enough, then you shouldn't be here...I believe that we should get rid of the majority of the population by filtering the weak and dumping them

anyways that's all i have to say.

Beautiful

I look so nice today with nowhere to go.....I don't know what I'm supposed to do...I hate just sitting here in my dorm...this is why I started to work..I love to work...it gives me a feeling of fulfillment....like I'm actually doing something productive...I got invited to go out with an old friend and her boyfriend tonight...I'm not sure what I want to do yet....I guess it would be fun...

I'm transferring to a different college next year. I think I'm going to go to Bethany College in West Virginia..it sounds like an amazing college with amazing programs. Akron isn't cutting it for me...I thought it would be fun to live in the city...it's not fun....I guess I didn't realize that what I had was better than what I wanted...the country is so warm and welcoming...filled with aesthetic beauty....the trees...the leaves the horses the birds...the stars at night....here you get bad city water....nasty sewer smells....hobos....and a sky lit up from lights and pollution....

There's no place of solidarity...no peace....no haven...nothing....at least there were places I could go to in Orwell that were peaceful and beautiful..nothing but stone and concrete here.

I'm disappointed in my decisions..

The Start

Here I sit alone on this shitty and uncomfortable futon that sits amongst this cold and disgusting brick wall that traps me into this tight oxygen deprived room. It's a sunny but cold Thursday afternoon. I start this blog so that my story gets told some how. I can't just not say anything every single day of my life. I feel like as I progress in age that the life gets sucked out of me. It's really ironic that while I'm supposed to be gaining life, I am losing it in a sense. I am old in many ways, and I don't understand it. My medical conditions confuse me....they tell me I have the spine of an 80 year old at the age of 13. I was never 13. I was never 11-18. I just turned 18, and I was never 18. I will never be 19 either. As I remember my youth it makes me so sad. I remember the last happiness I have ever had. It wasn't the material things. Not at all. It was the happiness, love, and comfort that surrounded me. I miss all of it. I only had it for such a short time, and then it was time for me to grow up at the age of nine because everything had fallen apart. No more fun and games, no more family vacations, no more family get togethers...no more family. I thought I had the greatest life in the world. I honestly did. I didn't believe in "God" when I was little. I didn't have to. I didn't need a haven, I had one. My family was my safe place. They protected me. I was important to them, they were important to me.

Sure my dad was cranky when we woke him up. He worked hard for what we had. My dad was the only morning person in our family. He would be up so early, that's when we would go to the mall, or get our hair cut. My brother and I would sit in he back seat as I used to get carsick when I was little. My dad would play his 70's music that my mom despised, but I loved. To this day I remember every song he used to play, and to this day still listen to them.

Even though I still have both of my parents alive, it's not the same. It's as if they're not alive. Neither one is who they once were, and neither am I. We didn't have to change. Of course we could have grown, but we didn't have to change the whole person that we once were.

I feel like my parents are strangers to me. They're adults that I must respect. They don't seem as if they're my parents anymore.

It's not fair. I'm just now legally considered an adult, and I've been a fucking adult for such a long time. I missed out on a lot. I missed out on family, happy times, and memories. The only difference between now and years ago is that I am "legal" I've still been an adult for a long time. I've had to do everything myself. Sure I may have needed help financially..but everything else...the pain, the hurt, the rough times...I went through all by my self. with help from no one. I went through a lot of fucking shit for me to deal all by myself. No one knows what I've gone through in the past few years. The emotional shit, it sucks. I wish my family would have been there for me. I wish I would have felt comfortable going to my family. I remember a few times where I scared myself so bad...I didn't know what to do...that I forced myself to TRY to talk to my mom....it didn't work...she wouldn't listen...

Now that I graduated High School...all by myself...and made it to college...all by myself...it seems better in the fact that I don't do the things I did before when I was able to, but I'm all alone here. I feel so out of place, and I hate it. I hate college, and I never thought that I would hear those words coming from my mouth. ever. Not Brittany Burnett...no way would she ever say that. She has always wanted to go to college...she couldn't wait to get out of her house, leave Orwell...leave all the shit behind and become her own person. It was her dream...even when she was little and when life was great. She knew she would become someone amazing.

I thought I was so fucking smart when I was younger....I used to get straight A's...get awards...I would be the teachers favorite. I was in the advances classes....I would talk to the smart people...I had so many friends...they were all good people. I was in sports...of course I'm talking about Elementary school.

I still know that I'm smart....it's the way that you think, when you know....it's when you want to know everything...you have this undying need to learn, to find out everything. I hate this need. I want to know everything, I know that I don't, but I try....I just keep teaching myself so many things...there's so may amazing things out there I want to learn about...but finding the people that know about those things is the hard part...I don't know why I'm interested in "weird" stuff...I don't know why I have this fascinatin with Alchemy...or why I want to learn about the ancient Mayans, and Sumerians....or why I Love Astrology....folk lore...science...history...

I'm so unhappy....I'm all alone...I hate college....I want a home...I don't have a place to go back to...no home...haven't had one for a long fucking time. I'm homeless...I live in a dorm in an unknown land not knowing a single soul....