Death & Love

I miss being as blonde as I was before...haha I don't know where that came from...I saw one of my pics on here....anyways...

So one of my friends passed away recently. Her name was Amanda. She was a really good girl. She was smart, pretty and had two beautiful children. The cutest fucking kids I've ever seen in my life. Anyways she passed away from cancer. I'm not quite sure what kind yet. It's such a bummer how someone that seemed so fine and whom was so young can just pass away right before all of our eyes, and then we're like "damn." I mean....I don't know what else to say....it's crazy.....

I just lost my great aunt a few weeks ago....she was 95 years old.....she passed away after my grandma (her sister)...you know how she died? She died in a nursing home coughing up blood because she had lung cancer....you know the saddest part? She had Alzheimer's and didn't remember that she had it....so she didn't know what was going on at all..... :(

And my grandma died from some lung problem...I don't remember what exactly. I would do anything to see my grandma just one more time. I miss her so much. She was the best grandma that anyone could have had. Everyone loved her....we'd go to Circle K to get the newspaper and a cup of coffee and that would give her coffee for free because she's so cute! The doctors at the doctors office loved her and would just squeeze her! Everyone at Giant Eagle knew her and loved her so much.

anyways....I've been so busy doing school work and going to work lately.....me and Matt are doing better....I hope it stays that way. I love him so much....I'm going to move in with him. We're doing really good with it now. I bought a bed for us, dishes, a bedspread, we have a dog. We're gonna make it work. He loves me, and I love him.

That's what we all need in this world. We all need just one special person that we love so much, and that loves us just as much. Someone you know you can always come home to. Someone that gets mad at you for doing things, because they care so much. Someone you can be with when you feel sick and uncomfortable. I finally found that person. :)

Wish us luck..

The Question

I talked to him tonight....and I really broke down...I broke down so hard that my head will hurts for weeks...ouch....

he told me he had thought about proposing to me before.....

God those words were horrible to hear. That's what I've wanted so badly..I wanted that! But I wanted him to ask me...and yet he didn't...

what made him not ask? was it because he was already married and he doesn't want to do it again?

You know how it makes me feel? like I'm not good enough. He could ask Nikki no problem and have a child with her....but with all that we've been through he can't even ask me something like that?

:(

I love him....and I wanted that more than anything...now I don't think it'll ever happen...

I lost.

I lost again...to some woman who cheated on him...and left him...and took his kid...I lost to that? How? I just can't seem to understand it...I don't understand people....

They can give up something so good so that they can go back to something so bad that they already had....

Never dated...

I can't wait to get my car....I can go wherever I want....visit whoever I want...and do whatever....it'll make me so much more happier...

I need to reunite with my friends that I've lost touch with anyways...I gave them all up for my ex...and now we're not together...I gave up a lot for him...which is weird...because I've never given up so much for anyone...and I gave them up so easily for him...and not once did I go behind his back and do something I told him I wouldn't...

I did that to Mario though. I did a lot of things behind his back....But he was NEVER there for me...and Matt was...most of the time..

Anyways...I just need people in my life at this point. People that I can hang out with to keep me preoccupied.

And I've never really ever "dated" anyone before. I've gone to the movies, and dinner, and bowling, and stuff with the people that I've been in a relationship with, but I've never just dated people and explored my options.

I think now is time to do that. I need to stop trying to be so serious. It doesn't work out at this age anyways. My ex was MARRIED and had a KID before we got together! That's insane...

Sure I've thought about it a dozen times. But I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I didn't know whether or not my relationship would last that long. I'm not about to MARRY someone and have a KID with someone that might leave me in the near future. I need to KNOW that the person I'm with that I want to marry and have a kid with is right for me. And that they want those things as much as I do, or even more.

But who knows....I need to DATE first....ugghhh

In Memory of Me & Matt...

Haha you know what's crazy? For a while there, I honestly thought I found "the one." But now I see that it was too good to be true. The one does not exist. It's all a part of our imagination. We want to believe that there is actually someone out there that is perfect for us. But the truth is that love doesn't even exist. We weren't built to love. It's something we made up in a moment of weakness. It's something that we want to feel.

I wanted it so bad. After two previous mistakes, I just really wanted it to work this time. He seemed so perfect for me. And it felt like that in the beginning.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't put myself in such a messed up situation. I've been in far too many of those, and I can't do it again. Because I always end up getting fucked over.

God I really wanted it. Just one thing, and that was it. It just wasn't meant to be....I wish it were..