Realization that I'm a dumb ass

I'm a failure....a miserable failure...I've done it all myself...it's all my fault...there are stronger people out there who can rise up against all of their problems and shit, but not me...apparently I'm the weaker one..I'm weak..

I can't rise up against anything...

so instead of trying to make my life better I make it even more miserable...how the hell does that make sense? and when my life gets more miserable I fall deeper and deeper into this bottomless pit...it consumes me in this vicious circle...because I feel miserable I do things that are bad that in the long run make my life more miserable...and then because I become more miserable from doing whatever I did...I do something else that makes me miserable..

I should be trying to turn things around...

why can't I just do something right and fix everything?

I don't know how...or where to start...or what to do...I feel like I have this heavy weight that I'm always carrying...this heavy weight that has fucked up my back...my mind...everything...and it's all self inflicted pain....self induced....MY FAULT

what a dumb ass I am...

I don't know what to do from here...I've already fucked it all up....

It really is the truth when they say you only have one chance..believe it

this very day 4 years ago

four years ago this very day (April 23rd) I remember it perfectly....it was a cold rainy day in Orwell...the sky was dark from morning till night and it was the cold stabbing type rain that when it hit you it send chills down your body and you shook...I wasn't wearing a jacket...just a black zip up hoody and a pair of jeans...I had just polished my nails this beautiful ruby red color...I was wearing antonio bendaras perfume and at the time had my very first cell phone which was from t-mobile...I had a mission that day....and it was to meet someone that I had been talking to on the internet for quite some time..I was to meet him "up town" in the parking lot of A&W...he called me and told me he had a dark green mini van with tinted windows....as I approached the parking lot I saw his car parked over to the left....approached it and opened the passenger door....I didn't even take a look at the person in the drivers seat until I was already sitting in the passenger seat...I was surprised to learn of his appearance being the way it was...

we took a drive around the town trying to figure out where to go....but couldn't think of anywhere...so finally we exited Orwell and went to a nearby town that goes by the name of Hartsgrove.....we found an old dirt road that was dark, heavily wooded, and abandoned...so we parked on the side....I was shy and nervous as fuck..I was 14 years old...what was I doing meeting some guy I didn't know off the internet? he seemed very interesting to me...we had so much in common...and I wanted to converse...that's all I wanted...I was so sick of being subjected by stupid people my age...I was different than most my age...I was interested in different things...religious studies....philosohy...mysticism....astrology...occult and cultic studies...esoteric studies...it fascinated me...and he knew quite a bit...I was impressed...that's why we had met...

sitting in the car on that side street is one of the biggest regrets I have...that was the day I lost my innocence...not my virginity...but I tried my first drug for the first time ever...and you know what it was? no it wasn't pot...but it was crystal meth...that was the first drug I have ever done...with a stranger on a dark back road..

as I lit the pipe from the bottom and took my first puff I was amazed...I was hit with this instant high...and it was amazing...at first I thought it was all of the butterflies in my stomach...but it wasn't just that...it was the rush of euphoria I felt from this drug...we smoked for a while and layed in the back of the van on a blanket...(this should have been obvious to me that this wasn't a good idea) but I was a dumb ass and it never struck me what a bad idea this was...anyways...we ended up kissing all night....for 8 hours exactly...it was great...the euphoria of the drugs and the passion of the kissing mixed was the most pleasurable thing I've ever felt...after those 8 hours passed...he dropped me off down the road from my house at 11 p.m. so that my mom wouldn't see him drop me off...I had told her way earlier in the day that I was walking to my friends house and that I would be back soon....she was pissed...the cops were at my house waiting for me...I guess she had called them....I had to make up a lie and tell her that I ended up running into another friend and that I lost track of time...I got away with it..

and then I met him later again that week...at my house when my mom was away at work...he brought over alcohol this time...I remember exactly what it was...it was a zema xxx hard green apple 6 pack and a fifth of Kamchatka vodka...he mixed it together in a cup with ice and told me to try it....it was great....I had never really drank before this moment as well...it was my introduction to alcohol...and I could barely taste it! the green apple alcoholic drink seemed to cover up the taste of the vodka...and so I drank...and drank....and drank...and drank....

we met continuously....about 2 or 3 times a week....I only knew his name and that he lived in Cleveland...he told me he was 26...and of course I had believed everything he told me....

I ended up losing my virginity to this man...and being fed alcohol and drugs...we would talk on the phone day after day night after night..we would go to the drive-in....or wherever..we decided to be in a relationship....and 2 years pass by of all of this...and then my family starts to find out something is going on with me...and bit by bit piece by piece they find out about me meeting a guy off the internet...they did some snooping and tried to find out who it was....I don't remember how many different times I had the cops called on me by my mom because I didn't come home and would be missing for hours with no explanation...finally my mom told the cops I met someone from the internet...the cops would try to hassle me over and over trying to figure out who it was...but I wouldn't tell them shit...also my first encounter with the cops because of this man that was suddenly a part of my life...I put all of my trust in him...and after 2 years and losing my virginity I thought that I loved him...and he told me he loved me....I believed it....

I started to do some snooping myself for some reason and googled his e-mail addresses and found out he had been sending e-cards to other women telling them that he loved them...and that was the first time my heart was broken...completely shattered...and that was the first time I tried to kill myself...I took around 50 pills of whatever was laying in my house...some prescription...I took them around midnight on a Sunday...fell asleep and woke up the next day to go to school...although when I woke up...my world was spinning...it was spinning so fucking bad....I could barely see and things were dizzy...I was pale as fuck...but I decided to go to school...how I made it in the shower and onto the school bus is beyond me...I had to have two friends carry me off the bus when it arrived to the school...I was in EIGTH GRADE! and when I walked into class.....I tried to make my way to my seat until I felt nausous and ran immediately to the bathroom to vomit...nothing came up except yellow foam..my best friend and my teacher ran after me and asked me what was wrong...I said I didn't know...then my mom was called and I went to the doctor...the doc. asked me what I had eaten that day...I said an apple...he asked me if I had washed it and I said no...so he told me it was prob. food poisoning....I didn't dare tell anyone I had taken 50 pills of something...and so he prescribed me even more pills...I couldn 't bear to take them...so when I got home I threw them away...I was sick for 7 whole days....constant spinning...and puking...all because I was heartbroken...after that my parents found out his cell phone number from my phone bill and hired a private investigator...my dad told me his name wasn't what I thought it was...and he wasn't 26....and that he was married and had kids...

I FREAKED the FUCK OUT!! but I didn't believe it...I thought he was just lying to me so I would stop sneaking out....

but it was true....it was all true....he lied to me about everything...stole everything from me...introduced me to drugs...alcohol...and the cops...and took my virginity...

I was ready to run away...I couldn't take this shit.

but I was held back by a dear friend of mine...she grabbed me and wouldn't let me go...I hit her and screamed at her and called her profane names...but she was still there for me..

anyways....that ruined my life for a while...and then I got over it..kind of....he disappeared from face of planet...changed phone number and e-mail addresses and everything...I had no way to find him..

years later...around the time I turned 18...guess who entered my life again? yes...that's right...it was him...and he acted as if he was so sorry for everything and that he really did love me...but this time I didn't believe him...I hated him...

and now...now he's gone from my life...but there's not one day I don't think about all the shit that happened...I tried to take my own life because someone tried to ruin mine...

April 23rd is a bad memory..

Tainted Blood

I'm fucking everything up....every single thing in my life I have fucked up, and now I don't know what to do....how do I explain myself? how do I explain the reason for all of my fuck ups? what is my reason? is it even a reason? the past few nights have made me realize that I need to get fucked up in order to make it through my day...I need to not be sober...I have another docs appointment on the 23rd....I was supposed to have blood taken and an x-ray done but I haven't gone to get those yet, and I should have....but I can't get my blood taken when there are all these things things in my blood that shouldn't be there...and if they were to know then everything would be revealed..no one knows anything...and I've kept it like this for years....and now I don't know how long I can keep it anymore....I guess until I kill myself..

I keep doing things I shouldn't be doing...but yet I know exactly what I'm doing when I'm doing those things....

I don't know what to do..

My puppy is gone..

I never thought that I could miss someone as much as I miss Mario...I really miss him a lot...

I gave my dog away yesterday to my englih teacher...she is the most kind hearted person that I've ever met in my life...she opened her heart and home to my roommate and I and our dog Kobe....she barely knows us....it's good to know that there are still decent people left in this world..I'm glad my dog has a new home until we can find a place that allows dogs....I miss him so much though..I love him.

I'm having withdraw from my dog....no wonder I need to be medicated..I can't stand being alone...but yet I am....I'm alone...I hate it..but I'm still here...

I don't even know what I have planned after this semester ends...I might as well just drop out now..I give up....I can't do it...I just can't....for my age I'm technically supposed to be a senior in High School but here I am my second semester in college...I'm not ready for all of this...I have no help..and no one in my life..I have no one in my life..and it gets to me so much sometimes...I should at least have family in my life right? but I don't...they're blinded...they don't see that there is something so seriously wrong with me...I've even told them in a desperate cry for help...but I didn't get any help..

so I'm stil left to fend for myself.... whatever....

Thank You Mario

well I finally got those meds.....got some Cymbalta for depression...Lorazepam for anxiety and Skelaxin for muscle tension.....hmmmmmmmm.....now the question is will they work? honestly...and surprisingly I have noticed a little bit of improvement...but only a little...not enough to keep me sane for long though..

I still haven't talked to my fiance...where is he? who knows...he just left my life...I have a feeling he doesn't plan on coming back...all he wanted from me was money..

whatever...I'm over it...I can't keep sitting here waiting...wishing..hoping...

I can't..

I do love you Mario...wherever you are..and I'm sorry we couldn't work things out..but you abandoned me..

He

ughhhh....where are you? anyone? I need something..I need it...

what is it? what do I need?

help?