No more room...

Shit.....I'm so home sick today....sometimes it's so overwhelming (one word?) to think about what got me here to Florida.....crazy......I honestly don't really like Florida at all....I hate the weather...I hate the animals...the bugs...the trees the grass the lack of nature due to excessive heat. Whatever...it got me away from the shit that I needed to escape. And to think that the shit I escaped from used to be my escape from every single thing :( I can't say that I don't miss doing H because I do. It freaks me out because it'll probably haunt me for the reat of my life. I was a junkie for about 10 months and I've been clean for 4 months now since I went to rehab. But I still have nightmares every single night about my use.....it scares me because it makes my cravings so much stronger. Most of the time in my dreams I end up scoring dope and then I look at it and I don't want to do it so I stick it in my pocket. Then I usually wake up thinking that it was real and get really excited and go to reach into my pocket and nothing is there :(

Now that I'm in Florida and back on my feet from my ten month binge I got a job and I have money...that scares me as well...I'm afraid that now I have money I'm going to seek it out down here...and I can't say that I haven't thought about it....oh boy have I...

I also want to take a trip back home for a few days and go get my car..I know if I go up there that I'm going to go get dope...it's too accessible up there. It's everywhere.

Man. I just gotta stay strong like I have for all this time and not fuck up...because I've fucked up way too many times before....and I don't think I have any more room in my life for big fuck ups...