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Shit.....I'm so home sick today....sometimes it's so overwhelming (one word?) to think about what got me here to Florida.....crazy......I honestly don't really like Florida at all....I hate the weather...I hate the animals...the bugs...the trees the grass the lack of nature due to excessive heat. Whatever...it got me away from the shit that I needed to escape. And to think that the shit I escaped from used to be my escape from every single thing :( I can't say that I don't miss doing H because I do. It freaks me out because it'll probably haunt me for the reat of my life. I was a junkie for about 10 months and I've been clean for 4 months now since I went to rehab. But I still have nightmares every single night about my use.....it scares me because it makes my cravings so much stronger. Most of the time in my dreams I end up scoring dope and then I look at it and I don't want to do it so I stick it in my pocket. Then I usually wake up thinking that it was real and get really excited and go to reach into my pocket and nothing is there :(
Now that I'm in Florida and back on my feet from my ten month binge I got a job and I have money...that scares me as well...I'm afraid that now I have money I'm going to seek it out down here...and I can't say that I haven't thought about it....oh boy have I...
I also want to take a trip back home for a few days and go get my car..I know if I go up there that I'm going to go get dope...it's too accessible up there. It's everywhere.
Man. I just gotta stay strong like I have for all this time and not fuck up...because I've fucked up way too many times before....and I don't think I have any more room in my life for big fuck ups...
Lyrics to Are You On Your Way :
[Zack sings:]
Don't you miss your family and your friends?
Don't it feel like this road never ends?
And don't your freedom make you feel so small?
You knock one down and there's another wall
And so you let it creep back in your memory (in your memory)
And you let it live there in your mind
Because you're too scared to be alone
You're too scared you'll be left behind
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?
And don't you hate living with that emptiness?
You got someone, but you're a lonely mess?
Don't you hate waiting on a better day?
You know that it will leave you as soon as it gets here anyway.
But you can't erase it from your memory (your memory)
So you let it live there in your mind
Because you're too scared to be alone
You're too scared you'll be left behind
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?
When are you coming home?
When are you coming home?
It's kinda like a race in time
You can't see the sign
But you are not alone
So even if you change your mind
You can't turn back time
But you are not alone!!
But you are not alone!!
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
When are you coming home?
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
When are you coming home?
[Zack sings:]
Don't you miss your family and your friends?
Don't it feel like this road never ends?
And don't your freedom make you feel so small?
You knock one down and there's another wall
And so you let it creep back in your memory (in your memory)
And you let it live there in your mind
Because you're too scared to be alone
You're too scared you'll be left behind
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?
And don't you hate living with that emptiness?
You got someone, but you're a lonely mess?
Don't you hate waiting on a better day?
You know that it will leave you as soon as it gets here anyway.
But you can't erase it from your memory (your memory)
So you let it live there in your mind
Because you're too scared to be alone
You're too scared you'll be left behind
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
Are you coming home?
When are you coming home?
When are you coming home?
It's kinda like a race in time
You can't see the sign
But you are not alone
So even if you change your mind
You can't turn back time
But you are not alone!!
But you are not alone!!
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
When are you coming home?
Are you on your way?
Are you on your way? Yea?
Are you on your way?
When are you coming home?
I can't believe my post was so long ago. To think that I used to try and write on this thing everyday. I guess that's what happens when you pawn your laptop to score dope. My life went to an absolutely crazy place. A place I never thought that I'd end up. I went from a somewhat decent person to a hardcore heroin addict. My ex boyfriend ended up in jail with 3 felony charges and put my current best friend and dope partner in the hospital. I od'ed twice and almost died. I ended up in the hospital and my car was missing. I also lost my new job that I had for a year because I got into a car accident and had to have immediate back surgery, that was my second back surgery on Christmas Eve of last year when I was on my way to bail Kyle (my best friend) out of jail. So I was an addict for 10 months.
I have never been through anything as bad as being addicted to opiates/heroin EVER in my life. It was the absolute most worst thing that anyone can go through. My best friend Kyle is 31 years old. I am 20 and he has been a heroin addict for over 10 years and has od'ed multiple times and died time and time again. Not only that but he has yet to ever have a job and robs and steals and scraps and pawns for his daily fix. He introduced me to my first taste of dope and then to my first shot. I fell in love at first injection. Well I ended up being grimy as hell along with him to score money and ended up being a hardcore fiend who got dopesick if I didn't have a fix every few hours. My whole town got hooked on dope at the same time because of the recent change in the makeup of oxycontin and the anti-abuse potential it now has. We had a big dealer who sold amazing quality right in our tiny little town in Ohio. I ended up putting myself in rehab this year a couple of months ago for 6 weeks and got clean. I felt so crazy but I did it. Now I'm in Florida because I had to move away in order to get away from the drugs. I'm starting my life over.....I have so much more to talk about....but this is a start....I need some therapy and this used to help....
