Stupid

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

[Chorus:]

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

[Chorus]

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

[Chorus]

inability to become apathetic

I move into my dads.....not only to try to restablish a better relationship with him...but to get my life going in a better direction....and what do I get? absolutely nothing...no acknowledgement of my existance at all.....this isn't supposed to bum me out? of course it fucking bums me out....I feel like a piece of shit...like no one wants anything to do with me...

I don't expect anything either and that's what upsets me.....they act like I'm some kind of fucking inconvenience...I don't ask them for one penny....I do their laundry...I do the dishes...I help clean...I do whatever I can..and I still get shit..

I don't even like to eat the food in the fridge because I feel like I'm not entitled to any of it....isn't this house supposed to be a part of my life as well? It is my fathers...and yet I feel so alienated...like a stranger.

I just want to belong to something...anything...feel like I come from somewhere...but everywhere I try to go...no one wants to accept me...or be burdened by me...why is it so fucking hard????? you don't even know I'm here!!! I'm not a problem at all....if anything I'm good to have around...I cook...I clean...


I don't belong anywhere...and that is why I must be alone...maybe my life map has it planned out for me....maybe I'm supposed to be all by myself with no other human interaction...

I'm not like everyone else...I hope people realize that...I'm not like the average joe...I'm not like every other girl.....it seems like because I have a fucking vagina it automatically stamps me with WHORE across my forhead...I'm sorry but that's not true...I am an emotional person...I can't just "fuck" people or "bang" people...I need some kind of attachment...I need to love that person..

You think after being in my last relationship with Mario that I wouldn't even want to date anymore....I did get raped by my boyfriend....do you think I enjoyed sex with anyone after that? Is it really that important to people? It's not to me....I want a fucking relationship with people...I want to be able to talk with someone for hours...enjoy their company...I want them to enjoy my company...to like me as a person...to want to get to know me in and out...to take fucking interest...not just want to fuck...

Am I asking for too much? Do I expect too much of a human being in todays world? Sometimes I think I do...

I want human interaction....with my friends....my family....and from everyone in my life...I don't ask for much...I just want to be cared about....I care about everyone...you may not realize it...I put on a hard front....but I care more about people than they will ever realize...I care about people that may not even know that I exist at all....but I know that they do....I see peoples emotions...they wear them right on their sleeves...and I see it...I understand...and I feel for them...I wish there was something I could do...but there isn't always a way I can help..

you know it ruins my day just to see someone upset? because I know how it feels...

anyways....just had to get shit off my chest..I'm done.

Maybe I should become apathetic like my ex....he doesn't care about one god damn thing in this world...he hates everything and everyone...people he doesn't even know..he lacks any sort of compassion or concern for anything but himself...he doesn't care about anything and that's why it didn't bother him the slightest doing what he did to me...I tried to be everything anyone could want and need....I did things for him I told myself I would never do because those were MY MORALS...but I broke them for him...but being the apathetic ass hole he is...it was nothing to him..

The world doesn't need people like that..

Running Away from Civilization

I remember the days when I wrote a blog every day.....sometimes I would write up to twice or three times a day...I consider this my on-line diary....in fact my only diary that I own....when I was a little girl I watched movies and tv shows of girls of every age writing in a diary....I thought that that was something I should do....I should start a diary and write down my daily thoughts and activities...so I did...but my house wasn't a safe place for anything private....my mom went through everything I owned...in fact at almost 19 years olf she still does....and I don't even live there...I couldn't have a diary...she went through it....read my private poetry....my mail....everything. Of course most of my diary entries were about my mother...it's just a bummmer that I couldn't keep something like that to look back upon....I couldn't keep anything...

I know that most of my blog posts are a bit depressing but I don't have anything else to write about at the moment...the stages I'm going through in life right now are nothing but depressing and hard..

It saddens me...I feel like I'm getting no where.....I mean I was put into school a year early when I was young...so when I started my freshman year of college I was only 17....maybe I expect to much of myself? is that it? am I too harsh on myself? I expect so much right away....at such a young age....but why not? why can't I get these things done now? I am 18.....I know that I'm not going to have my life set right away....but I still need to keep trying....or else then I'll never have it......what if I don't? what if my life never gets in order? what am I supposed to do then?

I have nothing else to hold onto....no special talents....nothing unique.....I'm just like anyone else I suppose....I write poetry....but it's not that great....I like to draw...and paint....but it's not the best...

I don't even know what I want to get into major wise at college...I have so many interests....SO MANY....but none that would do me good in a career...none.....my room mate Cory used to tell me that he didn't care how much money he made in the future...that he just wanted to do something he enjoys.....but how can you do that? how can you not care about the money you'll make? all I've been subjected to my whole life is the downfalls of not having ENOUGH money...and I don't want to have to go through that again...I want to be financially secure..I want to be able to live comfortablly...

I know money isn't everything but it helps get things done....it HELPS...the littles things make me happy...the sky...the moon...the trees....flowers...woods...hiking...music.

but money makes the world go round as they say...sad but true...so sad.

I miss being little.....I miss being able to not worry about things like money and school and a job....and life....I miss worrying about little petty things like what flavor candy I wanted to pick from the dish at the bank...or wanting to stay just one more hour at the park....

I find myself wanting to escape somewhere....I see myself running away from civilization and hiding in the woods...sitting there hour upon hour just staring at nothing...but something that means everything to me....

I've been thinking about Mario a lot lately, and how sad he makes me. He makes me really really sad....why do I think about him if he brings nothing but tears to my eyes? He's a horrible person and I should be very thankful that he's out of my life...but the thing is...he's not out of my life...he's still there....tiny bits and pieces but he's still there...I hate receiving messages from him..e-mails and texts...because it dampens my day..and makes me think of what I wanted from that relationship...I wanted so much..and gave so much but received nothing...absolutely nothing in return..I wasted three years of my life trying to make something impossible work....of course I still think about it...I still loved him...I didn't end the relationship...no one ended it....it was just left....what was I supposed to think? oh well...who knows....I don't want to think about it anymore...

anyways....that's all I have to say now..I'm going to go finish reading my book "We The Living" by Ayn Rand....it's fantastic...

Peace