need some meds.

I can't even fucking socialize anymore!! I actually want to and now I can't!! ANXIETY..apparently anxiety is a reaction from some kind of fear...or threatening situation..hmmmmm how am I always anxious? I can't even talk to someone because my heart is pounding sorapidly and jumping up and down and im getting light headed and dizzy and my eyes start to twitch and I can't breathe...does this sounds right to you? or am I just crazy? is this normal? because if it is I will never try to talk to anyone else ever again..

ughhhI freeze and feel like a dumb ass...or I laugh at something that isn't funny...I make myself come off as a completely incapable fucking retard...

damn it...

i need so many different prescriptions..

Not again.

my grandma is in the hopsital again....I don't know if she'll make it :( my life just keeps spinning around all of thes unfortunate events...and I can't even be there...I have to be stuck in Akron going to college...I don't even want to be here anymore...I just want to go far away...

If my grandma dies...so does my mom...and the rest of our family will fall apart...what am I supposed to do????

I already have enough shit on my plate!!

:(

cervical radiculopathy

things in life are crazy...I'm thinking about moving out of state after my lease is up on my apart....I mean...things have changed....my room mate has a girlfriend and I supposedly have a bf....and I don't know...I'm just not happy anymore....

I need to rethink everything I do....I can't just sit around and wait for everything...I'm so sick of sitting and waiting...I need to take action and initiative...no more proccrastinating..

ikk..I have this horrible pinched nerve in my neck...it's driving me crazy and it's getting harder to breathe because of it...I'm so sick of Orwell already...I've been here for the duration of my "spring break" not so much of a break as it was intended for.

I need a real break...and a job...I need a job so desperately...and yet no one is hiring...I've applied to over 50 places...this is getting to be too much to handle...I can't take it anymore...

AHHH

serenity where are you?

JOKER

haha my life is a joke...I'm a horrible person..that's all there is to say..

I'm sorry

soon.

my time to leave this piece of shit world is so soon...but who will know when it will be? haha maybe tonight! who knows! I don't have ONE damn reason to fucking stay..not one...I wouldn't stay here for a million fucking dollars...no way.........

FUCKED UP

500 x 5 = 2500....hmmm....

I am ready to give up...he can play these games all he wants...he's already lost me...I'm not here anymore...no longer existant....you gave me this ring...I wear it on my hand, but what does it mean? It doesn't mean anything...not to you at least...but this ring meant so much to me...you just took all of that meaning away...I can't think of things in the same way anymore...you've destroyed who I was...I don't even know who I am anymore...always down...always depressed....I don't want to be here and everyone knows this...it's just that I have so many obligations to fulfill...and hope...hope is all I can have that things will get better so maybe, just maybe I will change my mindand my outlook on life....but I don't know if that'll happen...sure it's not healthy to have this so called "negative" outlook, but is it really negative, or is it the truth? it's truthful negativity.

I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE.

I HATE LIFE IN GENERAL.

but....there are some people I have to outlive...like my grandma...I can't disappear while she is still in my life..she means too much to me...the rest...it doesn't even matter..

DXM.

dextromethorphan- it's a fucked up drug....it's legal...that's even more fucked up...I should never take it again...but I can't ignore the dxm that's just casually sitting in my room...it sure is enough to fuck me up beyond repair...but aren't I already there? I was hoping that when I took it Saturday that something tragic would happen...but it didn't...go figure...nothing bad ever happens...I was convinced for about 5 minutes though that I was actually going to die...I was puking up a bunch of black stuff and was so out of my mind that I had to have people come look in the toliet to tell me what it was...all I could think was "I'm puking out my organs...I'm bleeding inside....it's black...black means you're suffering from internal bleeding.." In a way I was hoping to see the world disappear right before my eyes...I thought my eyes would automatically shut and that it would just end like that...too bad I had forgotten that I drank grape kool-aid earlier in the day that would appear to come out as black.... I was bummed... "Dam it...I'm not going to die." Oh well...one my experiences has to accomplish something along the lines of death...

would that be considered suicide or over dose? hmmm....because who would know what my intentions of taking it were? was it to enjoy a trip or to die? if it were to enjoy a trip it would be considered overdose- an accidental death....but if I took it to die then that would be suicide...hmmm...oh well...even if I did die accidentally I'm sure everyone would turn it into a suicide...no problem with me...I don't want my name cleared when I die....I don't need to be portrayed as some kind of saint..because we all know I'm not...I'm the opposite of a saint. I'm a horrible person who does very bad things....

haha it amuses me that no one I know even knows that I have a blog on-line...or that I'm even this fucked up...NO ONE knows...and this is one of the several reasons I have this blog...I'll live it in my will or something...or in some letter everyone can read when I'm dead....and then they will understand...well, prob. not...they will never understand how I feel inside..

even when I'm "high" It's not like other peoples high...it's different and more fucked up...everything I do and feel is always more fucked up than other people...whatever..I'm not worried about it..

this blog is more like my personal reference...I can't keep a diary like a written hard copy...it's too much and too easy to obtain.....other people could end up with it and read it...I wouldn't want certain people to know I think like this...they would try to put me in a bubble....take away sharp objects...drugs...alcohol...everything...that would be bad...for me and everyone else in this world...as long as I'm living here I need to be out of it as much as possible... I will prob. become an alcoholic...but how can I when I don't believe in addiction? I believe it's all psychological..fucking dumb asses think you need it...you don't!! you're just a fucking junkie...

anyways...my life is a piece of shit...there's nothing else to write here.