SLEEPY

I have a realization.....I'm in love with Msrio....I mean I have loved him for a very long time...but I have been doubtin our situation for a while now...but I Love him...how could I deny it....it's been the only thin that's kept me here...I love him so much...sure things haven't been great...but who gives a shit...things get hard sometimes....

I love him so much...he means everything to me...

it's just that I don't know whether or not he's telling me the truth about everything. I don't know if I can trust him......sometimes I can picture him doing everything and anything behind my back...like fucking tons of broads and going to the strip club and getting shit faced and having three-somes and going to the bar and all this stuff...but he tells me he doesn't do anything...can I believe that?

I went to Peabodys last night in Cleveland...saw my room mates friends band play their second show...it was awesome...they're so good...

It was fun...I mean my atmoshpere isn't the whole bar/club thing...I'm more of a reserved stay at home person...I do have my moments when I do like to go out...but that's only usually to go out to a nice restaurant or to go to a movie...that's all..


I have a confession...I've been drinking too much lately....every night in fact....every single night....and day...and sometimes morning...but I just don't have one...two....three....four....or five drinks...I have more....and they're not beer...it's usually straight up hard liquor with a 10% mix...so the rest is the liquor....I drink and drink and drink my ass under the floor...I don't know why I keep doing it....It just makes everything go away and it makes me a better person...I tend to become happier and nicer...and more care free...not only that but my body...my back and my neck feels a whole lot better...

like right now...my neck is soooooo fucking swollen and it hurts so bad...so I'm drinking a nice glass of pineapple rum...of course I'm not drinking it right now to get drunk, but I'm still putting alcohol into my body...it's crazy...I'm prob. really sick and I don't even know it..

I know there is something wrong with my stomach...I'm just afraid to go to the doctors just because they're going to tell me what's wrong...I don't want to know..

I know...I know...stupid for pretending that the problem doesn't exist...but it does...I mean...I honestly don't care what's going to happen to me in the long run...I just want to know what I'm in store for...and what's going to tear me apart and fuck me up...for all I know I could have ulcers...or something like that

oh well...what's new...this is coming from the person with every other prolem in the world...

but I must go now...I am so sleepy.

an update on life...

I haven't written in a while...I've been going to school and been living in my apartment with Cory in Akron...nothing is new....just my classes from last semester...a lot of other cray shit is going on as well.....I don't even know how to explain most of it...I'm not exactly sure what my plan in life is at the moment...I know I still need to get a job...I need to go get my shit from my moms house in Orwell, and I need to go get my dog from my moms house. I miss Kobe...he's such a cutie...not only that but I miss a lot of things from Orwell that I'm realizing...I miss some of my family such as my grandma...I miss the atmoshpere....the trees...the nature...the bon fired...my good friend Tim..I don't know...I just miss so much...

Things are so fucking complicated right now...I don't know whether to say I'm enjoying life....or If I'm not that happy...hmmm....which one to choose? I'm not so sure anymore...I'm more happy than I used to be....but yet I feel more alone sometimes.....even though I previously lived in my dorm, and now I'm here...I'm still semi-lonely...I may be surrounded by so many people, but that doesn't mean shit anymore....just because I'm surrounded by people physically doesn't mean anything...you can still be alone and be surrounded by people...

I don't know....

anyways....I'm super shit faced right now...I've been drinkinh Bacardi....and there's a bunch of people in my place...

CIAO

escaping reality

I know I haven't posted for quite a while...but so much has happened...I moved into my aparment in Akron with my friend Cory..

It's so nice to be able to feel at home again and to have a very nice, honest, clean, smart, and respectful room mate. You can't find many of those anymore...I know that...I'm very greatful..

As far as my reltionship goes there has been a lot of fighting and arguing going on...I don't know what's going on at all..

I'm still pretty lost...but I'm starting to feel a little better than how I felt before...I've been going to class....and everything seems to be ok..

I think this time things might work out a little better for me, or so I'm hoping.

I still need to find a job so that I can have money for things I need, and then when I graduate I need to pay off all of my loans...

"such a heart...such a soul...when you find it there you search no more..don't tell me it's not worth trying for you can't tell me its not worth dying for...you know it's true...everything I do...I do it for you."

such a good song...good job Bryan Adams...

Anyways..I don't know what's next for me in life..

I'm kind of scared to know...everything is so stressful anymore...I just need to take a vacation...a break....something...

I need to escape the madness of reality..