Breakeven

The Script-Breakeven

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
_________________________________________________________________________

So....I had a dream about Mario this morning. It really bummed me out. In the dream he came back to me, out of nowhere. Like I should still have been waiting for him after all this time and the things that he did to me. But we were together...in my dream I was living at my moms again and I was dating someone else (not who I'm really dating now at this point in time) but someone else (he looks like a guy I work with) Anyways....Mario came over to my moms and we were in my room together just like old times. We were kissing really passionately. But all I kept feeling was confused as to why he was back, and why I was even kissing him in the first place. All I could feel in my dream was the hurt and pain he made me go through all of those years that we were supposedly together. I loved him with all of my heart, I truly did. He really changed my life and my views of people. He's made me very apathetic, and it's not a good thing. I used to care about everything, and now I don't care about anything really. Mario, you broke my heart. I really wish that my subconscious mind would stop bringing him up, along with other horrible memories I would like to forget. Just go away...please..

On another note, I'm really confused about my life right now. I don't know where I'm going in life, It's like all my plans that I've once had are COMPLETELY shattered in my eyes. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be in a serious relationship, and I don't know if I should be. It's hard because it's already been a whole year and then some with Matt, but things feel weird anymore. In the beginning it was really hard because things had just ended with Mario and I and I felt really scared and overwhelmed with being in a new relationship because quite frankly I was still in love with Mario....but then I fell in Love with Matt.....but I was still scared because it was a completely different situation. I loved Matt a lot more in the beginning because he became someone else throughout our relationship, and now things just aren't the same and aren't as good as they once were. When I was with Mario it felt like those three years were passionate all the way through, but I also didn't live with Mario and only got to see him once or twice a week and sometimes less. So technically I've been with Matt way more than I was with Mario. I feel like this relationship now is holding me back from a lot of things, and I don't want to feel like that because I'm only 19. You're only young once right? So why do I try to make life so serious so fast. I'll get there soon enough....but I'm already there..

I need some help and some guidance....what I really need is some advice. But I'm living a lie to everyone. I'm a liar. My parents think I'm still in school, but I haven't been for months. What do I do? Do I tell them the truth? I can't. They would be so ashamed and disappointed. I can't face that pain. I feel like a failure enough as it is...I still have time right? I'm a year ahead of everyone anyways...

Why do I expect so much out of myself? Probably because I know that I'm capable of achieving all of those things, but why haven't I already then? :(

The Impossible and Possible Dream

So I quit Domino's and got a new job working at BK in another town close by. They hired me in as an Assistant Manager right away without having any previous work experience in a fast food place. Good for me right? Yes. I'm excited about it. I make more money and get more hours, which completely works out for me. The people are ok too....which is always a good thing. What else is new? Hmmmm....nothing really.....it's tornado season....YAYYYYYY I want to see one SO BAD. The sirens went off in Orwell the other night. It was awesome....I was ready....but nothing happened :(

I had a crazy dream about my Grandma last night.....she died in a car accident, I was with her in the car in the passenger seat, the car flipped over and my grandma wasn't moving or breathing....even in my dream I didn't know how to do CPR correctly and I knew that but I tried anyways...I remember watching Baywatch (lol) when I was little and seeing them do it so I tried what I could remember, and it didn't work. I remember I just kept pounding her chest over and over saying grandma wake up, wake up grandma. It was horribly sad..Why do I still have dreams of her dying when she's already dead? It's puts me through the same situation over and over again.

The second dream I had was about my brother(he's my twin.) My brother has always acted younger and more immature than myself. So I know that he's immature and whatnot, but I just didn't expect him to start getting into the partying thing like I did. I thought that he would completely steer clear of it, but obviously that was unavoidable. Anyways, in my dream he looked crazy....he had to have been twenty something in my dream (which is funny because we're both 19 at the moment) anyways his hair was all greasy and messy, and he had tattoos (which he doesn't have now) and he was telling me about the drugs that he was into at the time. All I kept thinking in my dream was "man this is all my fault, if I wouldn't have done all those things when I was younger and acted like it wasn't bad, he wouldn't have been in this situation." He had this black case that he zipped open just to show me a bunch of syringes and this bottle. I asked him what it was and he tells me it's a veterinary drug and then I knew what it was right away...I just didn't want to hear it. He said "it's called Ketamine." I told him yeah I know what Ketamine is and that it's dangerous but he was all about it. Anyways....WHAT THE FUCK....weird ass dreams...hopefully that doesn't happen...well I must hop off of here now...I'm really cold and need to stay warm...they just turned our electric back on today...it's been off for a week now...