I need to do better

I feel like a piece of shit....I left my amazing room mate Cory from Akron so that I could move back to Orwell.....every god damn morning I woke up with horrible panic attacks in Akron....I felt so alone....and scared....I was waiting on a guy that called me his "fiance" he popped the question to me right after he raped me on new years day at 5 in the morning....but my dumb ass was still in love with him....why? I don't know....so I waited every day for him....he had many excuses for not being able to come see me....not only that but made me feel like a piece of shit every day.....told me I wasn't worth it....and I wasn't good enough....he told me he wanted to bring other women into our relationship every day.......

I felt horrible....I felt worthless....useless....and it made me sad....so what did I do? I partied and tried to forget about all of it....I pretended like it wasn't as bad as what it seemed when he raped me.....he tried to convince me that it was owed to him...that there is no such thing as being raped when you're in a relationship...

you know what else I did? I let him borrow $1,200 that I got back from a student loan.....I was going to finally buy a car so I woudln't feel abandoned and stuck...and alone....so that I could see my family....my friends and my grandma who WAS in the hospital until she died...

and he lied to me...he told me he needed it for fines....you know what he did? bought a pound of Marijuana...and never paid me back...

I left Akron and came back to Orwell so I wouldn't have as many panic attacks....so I could at least be around my family.....but it was too late...my grandma died before I got out...I couldn't even see her because I had no way there!....I was so alone...

My dog also died....by baby boy....I loved that fucking dog more than anything! you know why? because he was always there for me....yeah he was a dog....but he was more than that he was the greatest companion....he cared about me....I made him happy and he made me happy.....but he died because he had heart worm.....and I miss him so dearly....


and now.......now I still feel like shit....I feel worthless.....

my ex calls me frequently....still telling me how shitty I am....and how he expects us to still be together....haha......I can't ever do that...I loved him and gave him everything I had....I can't go back.....


I need to get my life in line and fix things for myself....I can't rely on anyone but myself!


I'm going to Kent Trumbull in the fall....I need to do better this semester...I just need to do better with everything...